I don't know anymore
Hi all...
I feel a little silly doing this but I don't know where to turn to. It's a bit of a rant, sorry about that.
I don't have good ties with my family. A lot of abuse, physically and mentally. Years of depression that took a lot of work and still going.
Then I got married to a man that hid his anxiety disorder. He gets upset, takes it out on my verbally (he has never hit me), cries, and apologizes over and over. He cheated, once as far as I know, and bringing it up is a big fight coming.
I want to talk it out. Want to work on communication. Saying what upsets us, what we need, what we want, etc. But he gets angry every time. Angry yelling that doesn't make sense almost all the time. Then he apologizes. Cries. Saying he didn't mean any of it.
If I don't accept the apology, the fight starts over. It turns into hours, literally. Or days if I don't forgive him. He keeps going til I say it.
Now I tell him "I won't accept an apology. Show me. Show me that you mean it with actions."
He says okay and then goes back to the cycle.
A never ending cycle and I just don't know anymore.
I love him but I'm tired.
Tired of fighting and crying. Tired of being so sad but having to smile and pretend I'm ok.
I don't know what to do anymore.
@Merlin87tx Hey, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know being yelled at isn't fun. What do you think you would do, if you didn't have to worry about how he would react? If there were no consequences? Verbal abuse is still abuse, and it's disheartening when someone offers an apology with no intent behind it. I would be tired too. And it isn't silly to share if it helps you, which I hope it is. <3
@CompassionateGirl90
Thank you for the reply
If I didn't have to worry about the consequences? Tell him how hurt I am. That I find it hard to trust, always found it hard before him and now it's triple. That little things remind me. When he's on his phone. Chatting. When he's surfing the internet. When he goes off somewhere and I'm at work, I question if he's going where he says. It drives me crazy.
@Merlin87tx Maybe think of talking to a councillor and see what they have to say. Marriage can be a tough one as you never have the space for your self, but maybe space is something you might need. Maybe think of visiting a friend abroad for a week or something, give him some time to see how it feels like if you were gone for a few days and he has to deal with himself by himself :)