I don't know what to do

@olivePenny6604

It sounds like he is afraid of being found in the wrong by you. Most human beings have flaws and weaknesses. Perhaps he has a few more than you do? The attitude you mentioned can come from extreme defensiveness whereby he is anticipating being found at fault, and reacting proactively to that.

Saying sorry doesn't necessarily need to mean you are at fault or done something wrong. It can also be an acknowledgement of having inadvertently caused hurt feelings. "(It doesn't matter who is at fault) I can see you are hurt and I am very sorry about that. It was never my intention to hurt you. Can we please talk about this?"

Respectful communication is key to being able to express disagreement, disappointment, and differences of opinion. His reference to "explode" indicates that communication isn't always respectful or calm. No matter what the issue, you're a team. It's you (both) against the issue, not you against him.

I would consider what he is saying. Be mindful of why he might be acting this way. Express that you care about his feelings, and that you would like to understand him better, so ask him to clarify previous issues or ask him to tell you if it happens again in that moment so you can better understand where he is coming from.

we are human, and our first instinct is to protect ourselves. Think about it, even though you’ve personally made some mistakes, you were doing the best you could right? So when people act, they are doing the best they can at that moment based on in numerous factors.

personally in my own relationship, the way I get past this defensiveness blocks when dealing with a problem is to implement an “us vs the problem, not me vs you” mentality. I reassure him first by telling him I love him, and all that I want is for us to make it past this together. I tell him that we are a team, and I want us to understand each other. We take turns speaking, but while listening each person has to do their best to be compassionate with their partner’s stance. Then if appropriate, I apologize for my action. I do however, always apologize for making him feel a certain way, because his feelings are valid, I explain what I meant by those words/actions instead and explain how my intent was not to upset him with how I acted.

there was this amazing Jay Shetty podcast on relationships where the guest speaker stated (and I’m paraphrasing) “relationships are a dance on a fine line. It’s how I can hold on to you without losing myself, and how you can hold onto me without losing you”. It is a dance, and things aren’t always perfectly balanced, which is why comprehension is so important between partners. We must not compromise ourselves to the point where we are no longer ourselves, but we do have to make healthy concessions and be considerate of our partners.

I am not saying that you are the problem, in fact I’ve been in your shoes before. I wanted more affection, but my partner was not able to at the time. He expressed his stance to me, and I listened with compassion. I then told him what I said above, that I want to work with him. I reassured him that I love him and that all I want is for our relationship to be better. Try focusing on the positive things instead of the negative when discussing your partners behavior. Don’t focus on the negative things he does/ does not do, because he will get defensive. Rephrasing the question really helped me in these times, for example: “ I just would feel really great when you would complement me, give me kisses, and tell me how special I am to you. That made me feel important, and safe. I just enjoy those moments so much that I’d like more moments like that with you”. That way you are giving him a clear example so that what you want is not arbitrary, you are showing him he is capable because he has done it before, and you are making him feel special by telling him how he can positively affect you.

hope this helps! Lots of love