I don't know what to do with my relationship
I don't know where to start. I have a boyfriend. We've been together for more than 5 years now. We've had small and big problems throughout the relationship no matter what topic is, in the end, we are facing the same fundamental problem: trust and effortless to solve a problem
In the past, he cheated on me with his long term friend, he looked for friends with benefits. I found out it because he showed me suspicious behaviours and extra sensitive about his privacy, so I checked his phone once a year. Every time though he said he would behave but there was something new, either cheated on me or hid something about how much dept he has etc. He addicted to pot. I am not against marijuana, and I don't care if he smokes it responsibly but I genetically have a weak respiratory system so whenever he smokes in the balcony and came into the room, I started to cough. The smell of it is a cute part. I mentioned this issue nicely throughout the years. He didn't take it seriously. Every time tho he said he won't do it again. He says 'I won't do it again' most of the times but he does anyway. No matter what topic we are dealing with, he just says 'sorry I won't do it again'. but I know he would do it again, sadly, it's 100% happens eventually in my experience with him. Also, when we argue, he put the blame on me and keeps changing the subject. The typical excuse is I am too scary and crazy so he can't listen. or if I have a bit of 'mad' tone of voice, then he wouldn't listen. I think I could talk better with 5 years old child than with my boyfriend. I don't know what to do. it's just like talking to wall. oh he also lies most of the times and he is so frustrated with me why I can't trust him. Sorry, I am a bit emotional right now and don't know what to do with this guy. I would appreciate any advice.
@ranmanuetI
I can empathize with your situation and do understand it's not easy if you are with someone and that someone turns to do things you didn't ever want in that relationship. And it's a helpless situation as well.
I have a very simple Outlook on relationships and how to deal with them if they don't work. It's simple but also drastic or radical.
I see only limited options. If the relationship works, its perfect, fine, no problem.
When it doesn't, when it doesn't, then, either you change. You change and you accept how they are and try to empathize with it and also cope with it, either by pretending they didn't do what they do or ignoring it even happened. Basically you have to do anything you can to live with them but by changing yourself because you can't change him or anyone.
The other option is that they change. They have to have that need for change and you can't bring it for them. It has to be natural so that it sustains itself, otherwise you can push them to change themselves but it won't stick if they don't have it present within themselves, that same need and desire and empathy. They will need to change one way or another into someone that makes life and this relationship not only bearable but happy.
Third option is to leave. If neither can change and can't keep living the way things are, only thing that can be done is to leave.
Only you know which of those options can work if you also see that they are the options that you have. When a relationship doesn't work for me, this is what I do or would say to my partner
"I have been unable to cope with certain behaviour and actions in particular and it's frustrating that even after bringing it to your notice, you haven't been able to change them, because they affect me a lot and it hurts me when they haven't been worked on, even though I can understand it's difficult to make changes. But it's too difficult for me to have it keep going for a longer time so I would like to see how we can work on these things and if they can be worked on and if you want to work on them as much as I do. If not, and if we fail to change, for the better of each other, I will see no option but to leave."
