I know I’m in a problematic relationship

Hello everyone. I want to share my relationship story and what‘s been going on lately. I really don’t have anyone I can turn to right now.

My wife and I just had our 12th dating anniversary, and we’ve been married for 2 years this October. We started dating during our freshman year of high school. This is our first relationship for both of us.

When we started dating, I had incredibly low self-esteem, so I never thought I’d get a girlfriend. I’m from a very small town and had known most of the girls around me as long as I could remember, so I thought of them as strong friends and not potential mates. Thinking back, I think a few showed interest in me but I was too negative about myself to even notice. But my wife was from a different school, so I think that distance allowed me to see that she was actually interested in me.

It took me six years after we started dating that I was in a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. It started with her texting me all the time, pressuring me to post sweet things on all my socials about her every week, and guilting me into doing sweet gestures for her all the time, like hand-written letters. Some of this is perfectly harmless, but it got to a point where I think I was writing a letter once a week because she’d make me feel bad if I didn’t. And if I forgot #WCW, forget it.

The worst of it was when I would be hanging out with friends or family. She’d be texting/calling me all the time while I was with them, and would give me a really hard time about not spending enough time with her. We lived 30 minutes apart so we couldn’t see each other all the time, but I tried my best because, hey, a girl actually liked me. She also would show jealousy towards my friends that were girls and give me a hard time about being around them, talking about them, or even talking to them. This led me to even end a few friendships over the years just to stop the fighting.

After high school, she kind of pressured me into attending the same college as her, which I ended up doing because it provided the best financial aid. But I’d be lying if she wasn’t also a factor. Legitimately though, I loved being at college with her and I loved spending time with her. At least until the breaks, when we returned home and returned to being 30 minutes apart. Then, old habits would ensue, and they intensified. We would fight literally every day, mostly because I wouldn’t be responding to her texts fast enough or would be hanging out with friends.

Being with her was truly exhausting, but I never even considered that I should leave her because I didn’t have the self-esteem to think that was even an option. My parents were very hands off with me; and because I grew up in such a secluded area, I didn’t have any idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like.

During the summer between my junior and senior year, I almost broke up with her when I realized that her behavior was very insane and uncool. But she vowed to do better and said she would change and work on what she needed to. Because we’d been together so long, I felt like I owed it to her to let her try. And honestly, I did see improvement for a while. So much so that, after we graduated, I proposed to her.

Since we graduated and moved in together and started our adult lives, things have been pretty good. I think we are a really good team, we are very alike in a lot of ways, and some days I feel like we share a brain.

But then I think about some of the things she used to do to manipulate me. We live together and all my friends live far away, so that issue isn’t there for her anymore. But when I do visit my friends, or they visit me, she is always involved and invites herself, and refers to them as “our” friends. I feel like I don’t have any friends that are truly “mine,” which is why I’m on here talking about my issues because I’m worried I might cause a rift in some upcoming summer gatherings if I say something to them. Meanwhile, she has a couple girl friends that I definitely would consider “hers.”

She doesn’t pressure me to post things about her anymore (I barely post anything anymore). But I think she wanted me to do that back in high school to reassure her that I was loyal and not going to cheat on her. I don’t think that is a worry she has at all anymore. Now, I feel like my job is to support her anxiety about other things going on in her life. She has bad enough anxiety where she should probably see a therapist, but I feel like she relies entirely on me for her emotional support. When I’m not present (because I’m distracted by something bothering me), or if I don’t offer enough emotional support, she makes me feel bad about it, like I’m not trying hard enough to listen to her.

And lately, I’ve been really trying everything I can to make her life easier. She’s currently studying for an important test to get a certification, and she’s been very stressed about it. So I’ve been cooking most of the meals, doing most of the cleaning, and doing sweet gestures for her. I also manage all of our finances and take care of both our vehicles. This is all while I’m working 48-60 hours a week night shifts. I’ve also been working in a field I dont enjoy so she can work on her professional development. My ideal field doesn’t have many job opportunities where we live. She tells me she appreciates all that I do, but she doesn’t really do much to reciprocate. When I ask her for a favor, she sometimes gives me attitude and tells me how tired or stressed she is.

I don’t want to get too into the intimate details, but sex-life wise, we rarely ever make time for it. When we do, I feel like I always have to initiate, and she’s only half-interested. Lately I’ve stopped trying to initiate sex, and because she rarely shows interest, we barely do anything anymore.

So all in all, I’m wondering if she ever changed, or if she simply evolved, and nothing ever changed.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I don’t exactly want to just leave her. I meant when I said we are a really good team and I enjoy spending time with her. But I’m worried that this is my life now, and I’m just not happy. We’re also talking about moving within the next few years, mostly to get out of the snowy weather, but also so I can live in a city where I can work on my career interests. I’d love to move to Los Angeles, but she has said multiple times thst she doesn’t have an interest in moving there, and I’m worried that she will find a way to convince me to compromise yet again.

It’s just a really unique feeling to know you’re in a problematic relationship and want to willingly stay to try and fix things. But can they be fixed?

If you actually read this whole thing, thank you. :)