I messed up. Karma is real. Please don’t judge me.

I have been married to my husband for a year and a few months now. We had been together for 7 years prior to that. He’s an amazing person that constantly shows his love for me. But for a while I wasn’t working and he was working ALL the time. I felt like I never saw him and I started feeling alone. We live in a space above my in laws. And during that time, I felt trapped. I had no job, no car, no freedom, and I didn’t even feel comfortable in my own home (I hated being there with my in-laws). Fast forward a couple months and I finally get a *** car. I was at least able to leave my house at this point and you better believe I was constantly trying to find ANYTHING to do just get out of that environment that I knew wasn’t good for my mental health.

I ended up hanging out with my friends all the time or just going for random drives just to get away. This is when I met Brandon. He was the cousin to one of my friends and I enjoyed spending time with him. I could see him whenever I wanted, we shared a lot of the same interests, and being around him just genuinely made me happy. But then I started falling for him. And I fell hard and fast for him. And he showed a lot of interest in me as well. So I would go out every day to see this new guy… having an affair with him behind my husbands back. The feelings of guilt ate away at me so I tried to stop seeing him for a while but the feelings of missing that happiness when I was with him were even worse. I became extremely depressed and irritable all of the time. So a few months after trying to break it off, I was back with Brandon.

My husband ended up finding out on his own. And it destroyed him. I hated seeing him like that so I tried to make it work with him. But I couldn’t seem to be happy. I was just always upset and frustrated and felt like I was in a place I didn’t want to be in. So I asked him if he could give me a week to see if this is what I really wanted. Well during that time, I ended up getting pregnant with Brandon’s child. I took the plan B after having sex but it did not work. I had to tell my husband and it destroyed him even more. But he still stayed by my side, took me to the hospital when I was extremely sick from the pregnancy, made sure I was comfortable and safe and well. He then told me that if I was willing to get rid of the pregnancy that he would stay with me and we can try to fix our marriage. He also told me that it might not work and after everything I did to him, he might not be able to fully forgive me in the long run but that he’s willing to do what it takes to try.

I believe that everyone has a right to their body and what they want to do with it but I always told myself that if I was to ever get pregnant, even under difficult circumstances, that I would not be able to get rid of the pregnancy. Now I am in this situation. I feel like I’m being forced to get rid of it if I want to stay with my husband. And on the other hand if I decide to keep it, I will have to try to make things work with Brandon. I would have to tell my friends and family everything which is really hard because they all LOVE my husband and tell me that he’s a really great guy all the time. I’m just stuck in a rut right now and I feel VERY alone and unsure of anything. I genuinely don’t want to be alive 99% of the days but I still get up every morning, put a fake face on, and drag myself to work. If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar please share.