I'm unhappy
I've been with my SO for 2.5 years - we met just before lockdown and decided to lockdown together. It was difficult as we were pretty much strangers, living through one of thr most stressful and anxiety producing situations ever. It was hardwork but I'm not sure either of us would have survived lockdown otherwise.
We bought a house together in July, and sometimes think we made the wrong choice.
He loves me so much and sees me as his soul mate - he's desperate to get married. I love him but I don't believe in soul mates and I'm no longer sure I want to get married.
You see, I had ovarian cancer 4.5 years ago and had to have a total hysterectomy. Menopause changes who you are at a fundamental level; especially when its born from trauma in your early 30s - i have lost all self confidence, developed servere anxiety, struggle to concentrate/process, and can't enjoy anything. It has also removed my sex drive completely - I'm not interested in sex AT ALL, to the point that it kind of disgusts me. I'm in the process of trying to get my oestrogen and testosterone levels correct but there's no guarantee that it'll come back.
People don't realise how much your sex drive fuels - kissing gets boring fast without that need/want behind it, and falling in love seems impossible. Couple it with the interpersonal relationship issues of BPD, and you've got a recipe for constantly questioning how you feel and what you want.
My partner is very supportive of me but if I talk to him about things he does that are an issue for me, he immediately gets defensive and says forget it or whatever. I've tried to get him to go to couples counselling to help us communicate better but he refuses as he think we're fine.
So with all this crap going round my head, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Do I want to be in this relationship or am I forcing it for practical purposes?
I honestly don't know. I just needed to get it out of my head.
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. This is just my opinion. Things will not change when you get married. Yes you made a mistake by buying a house together but do not let that hold you captive. Get a lawyer and split ownership of the house and sell it and move onto another place or you could buy his portion out or he buy your portion out. The body does affect our minds especially the hormone levels Once you get all the house situation resolved my advice is to find a Church family. Keep going to your Dr. as well. Hang in there. You will need to go to your lawyer first and get his or her advice and then talk to your SO about what you have worked out.
God bless you.
@QuetiapineQueen
It is a difficult situation your in and frankly the house purchase might have been premature if you were not settled on the path forward.
as for your other issues if you can medically even out your hormone levels etc you might feel differently and if you end it he may be gone when your discover how you feel later .......life changes and so do peoples frame of mind and i believe their attitudes on love / sex etc......