I need help, I don't know if I am wrong or right?
(Sorry in advance this could be a long one, but I really need to talk to anyone)
I am a woman and my partner and I have known each other since we were 5 years old. We are now both 21 and have been together for nearly 7 months. I moved into with my partner and his parents as soon as we got together. My partner struggles with Autism and ADHD and I struggle with Depression, Anxiety, OCD and I think some undiagnosed issues. My mum has Schizophrenia, so there is a possibility I have it too.
When my partner and I are together we are happy but I am nearly every single day angry with him. I go up and down every day. The slightest thing could make me angry and once I am angry I find it extremely hard not to be even if I am wrong. When I am angry I can usually ignore him, I don't want to talk at all but when I do I talk with a very venomous tone as if I hate everyone and everything. Sometimes I say horrible things too. I often find I am the one that apologizes and will usually end up with me crying and feeling seriously guilty for what I have been behaving like. Even though sometimes I really believe its him in the wrong and not me. I know he has Autism and I think part of me also doesn't understand it a lot yet. I don't want to feel like I am wrong or even possibly being abusive by the way I act and it is starting to seriously affect my depression. I wanted to say all this so it would help the people reading understand a bit more.
So my partner started helping a family friend at his garage so he can get experience and is not getting paid to do so as he refused. He started working there yesterday at 9am and didn't come home until 11pm. He has left today at 11.30am and won't be coming home until tomorrow until at least 7am as they messed a job up. He said he has to stay as they will probably be finished at 3am but need to deliver something for 7am so there is no point in coming home. I am extremely angry about this and I haven't even replied to his message yet because I don't want to start going crazy at him and also I just feel so angry I can't talk to him.
I feel annoyed because it feels like he is putting that before me. I feel like he thinks its pointless to come home even though I am there waiting for him, so I am essentially pointless. I feel angry because he says he has to, but he doesnt as he chose too. (He previously told me when I brought this up yesterday that he can take a day off when he wants and can come home whenever and also that he doesn't think he can sleep without me, but now this?) I feel lonely as I moved over 100 miles away from all of my family and don't really have anyone to talk to apart from his family. I help his family a lot and will be doing so tomorrow but I still feel lonely. I am unemployed because of mental illness, so if he is going to be doing this regularly, I will be doing nothing most days.
I want help as I don't know right from wrong, I don't know if I have a right to feel like this? Please someone help. Thank you for reading if you stuck through it.
@PseudonymUnknown It's about how much you are able to tolerate mentally before it becomes a big problem for you. Have you reached your limit? What do you want for yourself personally regardless of your partner? Do you want to achieve a certain dream?
@SandyM
I am unsure, maybe I have. That is a big issue with me too. I personally have struggled with depression for years. I have never known what I wanted to do and feel like I have never had any passion for anything. I suppose I really have always wanted to travel but I have no money for that. I am thinking about going back to college. My partner has also really upset me as whenever we have an argument or disagreement he always tells his parents about how I have been feeling or acting. I feel like this is very unfair as I don't do this to him. It is going to end up with my partners parents hating me. I feel very uncomfortable with this as I have to live with them. I don't want this to happen as I love my partner to bits but this has got to stop. He has already told them about how I have been feeling and acting about when he left for the garage yesterday.
@PseudonymUnknown I think you done the right thing expressing how you have been feeling to him. Did you mention the talking to his parents? KIf you haven't I would sugguest starting the conversation full of "I feel" statemnents as it is less threatening than "you this" and "you that". Given that you don't know what you want to do, I would suggest trying anything that comes your way that you can afford and have time to do, that way you can know for sure whether something is right for you when it comes to future goals
@SandyM
Thank you, I just really needed the help. I needed to know if I was right or wrong as I am having trouble deciphering that like I have most of my life. I needed someone to tell me what I was doing. I have a lot of issues and I can't wait to speak to a Psychiatrist. I will do this with my partner and see how it goes. That is a lot of my problem when I get angry its just full blown anger straight away. Thank you for your response and hopefully my issues get resolved. The advice you have given me is much appreciated. Hope you are having a good day :).
