In need of help.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months. It started out really good but these past couple months have been horrible. We are constantly fighting over stupid things. All the stupid things tend to have a deeper meaning but I feel that we struggle with understanding each other and each others needs. I feel that he disregards my feelings and doesn’t care about me or our relationship anymore. We have both agreed to trying to communicate but he still doesn’t understand me or disregards my feelings. Last night we got into a huge fight. Our relationship has turned toxic and I always threaten to break up with him when we fight. I just want a reaction and I want him to show that he cares by trying to save the relationship. Last night he said “it was bound to happen” and was pretty much giving up. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much and I want to fix us. I’ve considered couples therapy but we cannot afford it right now. I want to fix us but I feel that I am the only one trying. I feel that I am the only one that cares. Please give me some suggestions. I want us to have a healthy relationship. I want us to stop hurting each other.
@tdawg2022
Hi friend 💜 Thanks for reaching out and sharing about this. I know this is a late response so some things have likely changed, so please feel free to update us.
It seems like you really care about your relationship and you both separately as individuals. That's really important, and shows your respect towards you both.
I don't have an answer for you unfortuantely. But I see your struggle and pain, and I want to validate how hard this is for you. I truly hope your discomfort eases soon. Sending warmth 💜🌿
@tdawg2022
I can see why you'd want to save your relationship considering how it started out well and then over time, conflict increased. Your observation that small fights seem to add up to have a deeper meaning is very profound albeit painful to accept. It shows a lot of awareness that you can point to some of the bigger issues, you feeling like he doesn't value your emotions and the struggle with understanding each other. It makes sense that you'd act out, threaten breakup, with the desire to get proof he cares.
That's saddening that he feels so hopeless, especially because of how much love you have for him. It's alright to take your time to decide what to do, couples therapy is one option but there are other, free ones as well. That said, I agree it's tough to fix a situation when the other person doesn't seem like they're trying as much as you.
Although I can't give advice, I can share a bit about my experience with similarly tumultuous relationships. I have acted out with the desire to get attention before as well because, during times of peace, I felt totally unheard. I didn't understand why I faced the same push-pull dynamic over and over until I discovered attachment theory. After realizing how I have the tendencies of a fearful-avoidant and can attract dismissive types, it's become easier to work on being emotionally secure.
I hope things get easier soon and you can heal.