Is it really cheating? It wasn't physical it was only on social media
I get a message from a mutual friend of mine and my husband of 19 years. She says what's going on with you and your hubby why does he have so many single women all over his Facebook page? I don't follow my husband so I really wasn't paying attention. But now I'm curious so I look at his page. And sure enough there are a lot of single women in our area with absolutely no mutual friends. And I'm not exaggerating 150 to 200 women. I asked my husband and he says oh it's just innocent I should friend them myself. I shouldn't have listened to him. I friended about 20 of them half of that accepted and half of that leaving 5 women sent me the messages that they shared with my husband. You know I've been cheated on before and I always was so curious what was said. I wish I did not know. They weren't just flirting they we're very sexual messages with pics & videos. I was even part of their chats described as the disabled roommate. My husband sees absolutely nothing wrong with this. I've never been the jealous type I have always been open to having friends of the opposite sex. But I feel this was not a friendship. He said he sought those women out because he was attracted to them. I am so hurt humiliated and mortified. My heart feels broken I feel like less of a woman. I want to be sexy I want to be desired. It does make me feel jealous that he can talk to other women like that but not me. Is it over or worth fighting for. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of issue? Please if you have you haven't even advice for me?
I’m so so sorry you’re dealing with that. I’ve gone through the exact same thing with my husband of 4 years. However, his was with women he knew from his past. He was sexting them on social media platforms and texts. I didn’t learn about it until 8-9 months after it started. When I would see messages he said the same thing. “oh it’s innocent. You’re being paranoid and jealous.” But when I finally saw the conversations the messages were insanely vulgar. One girl he expressed that he wanted her to call him “daddy” and all of the pictures were naked pictures of him and all these girls. He was so intimate with them that one or two of them he shared we moved to a house sent them videos of the inside of our home and expressed he wanted them to come visit. On top of all of that, this was happening when I found out I was pregnant and when I lost my baby from health issues. I don’t care what anyone says, talking vulgar/sexually/flirtatious to another woman while you’re married or in an relationship is not okay and that’s a form of cheating. My husband and I split until he agreed to change and take whatever steps necessary to save our union. After speaking to a therapist, we laid out a lot of hard ground rules. A lot of them caused and still causes fights now. But I remind him that the door is always open to walk out of. No spouse should have to feel the way you’re feeling and it’s not right. It’s very selfish of a partner to not be truly committed to your relationship and expect you to be 100% committed. If he’s sexually unsatisfied, you guys have to talk about it. If he’s attracted to other women, he’s wrong to string you along and force you to “deal with it” and “not think anything of it”. I hate to say it, but if this was reverse, I don’t believe you would get the same kind of treatment. No man will sit and feel the way you’re feeling. He would get up and do something about it and you should too. If he’s unwilling to listen to you, bring in a third party. If he’s unwilling to do that, then he needs to choose. His dozens and dozens of women on social media or you. This may seem extreme, but things like this don’t get better in their own. And he’s not going to change unless someone shows him this isn’t okay. If you sit and tolerate it, he will think you think this is ok. Sorry this is so long, but reading your post pushed me back to over a year ago when this happened to me and I want to share my story and actions with you in hopes it helps.
It absolutely is cheating. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Whether or not it's over is of course up to you. Both of you. I think there are very few relationships that are beyond salvage if both parties want to salvage them and are willing to put in the work. :)
At least it is emotional cheating. And that might drive the both of you further away. No good. Someone should have a serious talk with him.
@dukeofdearham
I mean, it's not only emotional cheating. He's having explicit sexual conversations with these women. It's sexual and emotional. Though personally I don't know why people consider emotional cheating as "less" cheating than having sex with someone. There's a much larger emotional component to a relationship than there is a sexual one. 🤷🏼♀️ But I digress
@confusedRaven6140,
sexual for me is when there's actually physical contact. But after reading you reply, I have to agree with you.
As for an emotional relationship, unfortunately by experience I can tell it's not less but much more damaging and hurtful.
@dukeofdearham
I always thought of sexting as a sexual relationship because if you are sending vids/pics thats pretty explicit and bold yk??
@dukeofdearham
Yeah that was my point. People seem to think that emotional cheating is somehow "less" cheating than sexual cheating. When in reality, it's the emotional bond that's the backbone of any relationship. So emotional cheating is a bigger betrayal. Though the lines are less fuzzy with sexual cheating because you can have emotional bonds with friends without it being cheating, but not sexual ones. So there's a hard line for sexual cheating and a finer one for emotional cheating. 🤷🏼♀️
@confusedRaven6140,
I know. It did cost me a marriage, and I was not the cheater. And my wife could not admit, due to trauma on her side. It is her not able to be open and honest about it and me accusing of making up a story that killed it.
I honestly have been trying to figure out a cituation similiar. My bf of 4 years has had women labeled in his cell phone in a sexual manner. And ive discovered when he was arrested waiting trial soon, he was texting in a very sexual inappropriate talking about when i was sleeping with emojis. Them thinga can be sooo very much up for a secret meaning. I feel that someone being freinds with the opposite sex but there conversation should be including the partner on some way. Example how are they is anything new in there life. But my bf i should not have the right to check is phone or just be able to check that passwords and codes activialy work and of they do then nothing nweds to be even read. But if the partner is not willing to work with a change so the actions will not continue, it will continue. But finally i think a open discussion of me played a part in the seeking or insued hurtful actions. Maby lack of communications? Acknowledging something of my partner for something bigg to them. But thats what ive been trying to understand for myself and my relationship. Hopefully this helps.