Is role reversal a problem or not?
I'm going to break this down very quickly and simply:
My husband is romantic. I (the wife) am not. I don't like snuggling and holding hands, but I don't want to seem uncaring towards him. He knows of my discomfort, but not neccesarily to the level I feel inside. He's the sensitive one, I'm the ice-cube with shell layers built around my heart. Often (I know not always) this is the other way around, women desiring romance and men trying to figure it out, which is why I called it "role reversal".
Anyhow, suggestions on how I can make things easier on both of us? Compromises, discussions, etc? What's your point of view?
A question for clarification: You don't like things like cuddling? Or you just don't get anything out of it?
I'm not a Luvy Dovy gushy person either. But if my GF wants to snuggle... I don't mind
@ChromeLotus I used to be what I considered haptephobic. I didn't even want to hug anyone, not even my family, and handshakes were repulsive. I'm much better now, and I can't define it as a phobia since it is not truly fear, but touching people is still not my favorite thing in the world. So when we walk and he wants to hold hands, I do it for a while until becomes unbearable, and find a random excuse to need my hand for something. When he wants to snuggle while watching TV, same thing. So that's the touch part of it. The other side is showing attraction verbally or with small gestures. For the first year of our marriage I found it difficult to say "I love you" and we shared an inside joke about "I like you, a lot" often. That part is easy now, to express love rather than like, but it's still a conscious effort on my part, realizing that I need to let him know often enough so he will feel loved and I won't feel like a soulless robot. I leave love notes in his lunchbox when I pack it sometimes. I am doing "better" but I still wonder if this will ever come automatically, from my heart, and not from my head reminding me that it's something I ought to do.
@babird1
Woman, you better stop what you're doing to your husband!! Trust me I am saying this out of love and care because I know what it can do to a marriage. Don't walk down that road, the road most woman choose driving their men out of the marriage. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is affectionate, please give it to him. You might trust him that he won't go outside but what do you think it's doing to him you refusing to be affectionate with him and he is SEEKING IT. Mostly it is us women long for affection and wish for affectionate partners, when it's a man longing for affection it is not good when they do not get it. Please wake up now before it damages your marriage beyond. I understand that you've always had the problem and you're doing better now, but I would encourage you to do your best, practice until it comes from your heart, it should come from the heart because it is part of love. It is what people who are in love do. Do it for him because you love him, that's why you married him right? Because you love him? Truly, you're just being selfish with this issue. My advice? Please be as cold and distant as you are with all the other people but not your husband, and not your kids. Also, please seek professional help with this problem because it goes deeper than I know, it can be bcz of your past or how you were raised, I don't know. In the meantime, I will say it again, please TRY YOUR OUTMOST and be affectionate with your husband and kids (if you have them, it will damage them if you don't) they are the most important people in your life and affection is very important to them. We as people long for love, to love and be loved, affection (and other little things) is what we need to see, feel and be assured of that love. Obviously his way is affection. You can also teach him your way, how you see love and show your love, so he does it for you too and it goes both ways.
@babird1
I think that the only way around this, for any sides (even if it's the traditional roles of women being romantic), discussing the matter would be the best thing to do. This way, a compromise can occur, and both parties will understand each others' points of view. For example: why does cuddling, or holding hands, make you so uncomfortable? What is important is to let your husband know that just because you express love differently does not mean that you love him any less. But also try to see it from his point of view too; after all, it gets hard when you feel like you're the only one displaying or wanting physical intimacy.
So yes, talking and compromising is the best step to go from here :) Constant communication is always the best way to combat issues like this in relationships! Good luck!
@babird1
My husband is romantic. I (the wife) am not. I don't like snuggling and holding hands, but I don't want to seem uncaring towards him. ( This part tells me that the roles are reversed here, he is more into his feminine energy while you are into your masculine energy) He knows of my discomfort, but not neccesarily to the level I feel inside (This part right says that you have not open up to him about how you truly feel from deep within, he may have an idea, but he doesn't comprehend how you are feeling, im guessing you have given him subtle signs). He's the sensitive one, I'm the ice-cube with shell layers built around my heart. Often (I know not always) this is the other way around, women desiring romance and men trying to figure it out, which is why I called it "role reversal". (It's like i mentioned later, you are into your masculine energy while he is into his feminine energy so this causes problems, because a women doesn't like being into the masculine, she resent it and act cold, distant, not into things like she used to because she is perceiving weakness from the men, the shell layers has to do with being structured and being shut down emotionall)
I do it for a while until becomes unbearable, and find a random excuse to need my hand for something. (This is something he shouldn't do often, he should first read your body language such as; being too close to him, bumping into him, being too close these are a sign of a woman that is okay for the man to hold her hand and touch her, but if it's not like this then she will get turn off and make excuses because in a way is trying to force things. He should wait for you to reach this emotional level first.) When he wants to snuggle while watching TV, same thing (Again he is not reading your body language to see if its okay for him to snuggle with you, trying to project his high level of attraction).. So that's the touch part of it. The other side is showing attraction verbally or with small gestures. For the first year of our marriage I found it difficult to say "I love you" and we shared an inside joke about "I like you, a lot" often (This part tells me that at that point you didn't reach a certain emotional level where you could say "I love you" openly, he must had been doing and saying things that didn't communicate confidence and strength. A woman fall in love slowly over time). That part is easy now, to express love rather than like, but it's still a conscious effort on my part (You are saying this because you want to please him, not because you reach an emotional level where it comes natural from you), realizing that I need to let him know often enough so he will feel loved and I won't feel like a soulless robot. I leave love notes in his lunchbox when I pack it sometimes. I am doing "better" but I still wonder if this will ever come automatically, from my heart, and not from my head reminding me that it's something I ought to do. (You are forcing yourself to feel this way, its one of the reason that is not coming natural to you, you can't force yourself to feel something it'll backfire)
@freshLight64 @babird1
If this is the advice, then she don't deserve him and he don't deserve her either. Your husband doesn't deserve to live like a prisoner! Nobody does. I believe that your husband loves you the way you are and has put up with you and patient enough with you, but please cut him some slack. The man is longing for affection, little things, sweet words that he should be getting from no one else but his wife. That's why people get married to share those special things with the one special person they love. You are blessed your husband is still with you and you need to love and appreciate him. You never said anything bad about him, so I consider him a very good man that you don't want to lose. You need to open up the doors you never opened to anyone, he's going to be with you for the rest of your lives. You must be willing to do anything to save your marriage. It must hurt him. He might not tell you but it's eating him up. Like I suggested, you must go for counseling and he must be there with you to support you (if you're comfortable with it). Your husband got you like that but he deserves your love assurance, and so do your kids deserve a loving affectionate mother, it will effect on them badly. Ofc it will take a while and a lot of effort, but as long as you try you will make it. If it makes things better, your husband needs to learn how you love because we are different people and show our love differently.
I hope everything goes well.
@HopeFaithPain
Thanks for the reply, however I just pointed out what I observed based on what she told me. You got to look at everything as a whole to truly understand the situation, things go deeper than that, and look at actions without calling people selfish ;). It's better to understand what she is saying and what's making her feel that way :). I hope you have a good day, it's such a wonderful and beautiful today!
@freshLight64
Yeah, that's why I also mentioned "Also, please seek professional help with this problem because it goes deeper than I know, it can be bcz of your past or how you were raised, I don't know." If you read my replies. Who said I didn't look at it both ways and get the main picture. The main topic was on her affection and the related that's affecting their MARRIAGE. Not like I'm not feeling anything for her hence I recommend professional help. Honey, this is not about you and me, no need to be defensive and personal here. I am sorry you don't like being opposed. No need to take one word to trash my advice. Yes I used the word selfish because marriage is about two people, it actually becomes about the other person than yourself. But she's the one to decide. I still said it again, she needs to get professional help, where they can go deeper into her problem layer by layer, looking at all the aspects of her life, because none of us here's a professional. But in the meantime, and for the sake of her marriage, she needs to try. I'm saying this out of love and care, and out of my observations of what this kind of behavior has done to marriages. C'on now! Let's advise each other and not fight or be in competition.
It is a beautiful day, do enjoy your day too.
Yes, please be kind to one another. I am listening to everyone's words, both discouragement and encouragement. The best way to seek advice and understanding is to glean it from many points of view.
My husband knew when he married me that I have emotional issues due to a traumatic childhood. The other day I said to him "You're just determined, even if it takes your whole life, to teach me what love is." - he then smiled and hugged me. Our marriage is not in danger. We are devoted to spending the rest of our lives making sacrifices and supporting our other half as best we can.
My main concern at the moment is how I am struggling, internally, to adapt to a loving environment. I had hoped I would have made more progress than I have- we are coming up on our third anniversary soon. It terrifies me to think about having children for exactly this issue. What if I can't show them enough physical affection? I know children are adaptable and some live with parent(s) that don't show them enough affection and appreciation, but this is obviously far from ideal.
I am wondering right now how I can "work on me" for the benefit of others around me.
@babird1
Hey girly! Have you ever taken a test that tells you what your love language is?
@Maddz4Christ Because you mentioned that, I searched and found a test to take on a website about the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
My results:
A-6: Words
B-9: Time
C-7: Gifts
D-5: Service
E-3: Touch
So I value time spent together the most, especially without outside distractions. Gifts come in second, but in contemplating these answers I realized it came down to a representation of how much thought he puts into me- I would be just as happy if he gave me a paper snowflake he had cut out for me as I would with a mug with my name on it. Words come in third, and I know that's because I crave the praise I never got during childhood. Service comes in fourth, as I recognise that sacrifice on his part is a choice and deserves to be appreciated because I know what it feels like to do and not be appreciated. Touch is dead last and the only reason it got 3 votes is because I do absolutely love his touch but in small doses.
@babird1
I am glad you enjoyed that test! I love it and tend to take it every 3 months or so to see how my needs have changed so that I can better communicate with my man on how I recieve love. I also encourage him to take it when I feel like I am not serving him in the way that best speaks to him. That way I know what he needs. It has helped our relationship beyond belief! I am the kind of person that values touch and time but I am very good at giving the others out. I most often find that the love I understand falls in reverse order to the love I best give out. I would love to hear how it works for you as well!
@babird1
I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't use the wrong tone to read my reaponses and seem to come across harsh. But I am glad to hear you and your husband are doing good. I still say your husband is a blessing to accept you and support you and be patient with you. I agree that you need to work on you, and with your husband support you will be fine. I can see he is determined however long it takes. Congratulations on your 3rd anniversary, just try on your anniversary day, he will know you tried and appreciate it (knowing his love languages will help you know how to please him and make him happy). I am very sorry for what you went through in your childhood, therapy should help you, it really needs to be dealt with. You're on the right path bcz you have acknowledged your problem and you're seeking help. I believe you will get most of the answers and guidance on how to work on you and warm up onto others in an on-going therapy. One step at a time. I think it will be best with your husband present, and start with him, practice on him.
I agree with @Maddz4Christ, one of the Listeners has suggested the book to me as well. I never managed to get hold of the book, but I have looked into the webside myself and even subscribed and downloaded the material. Maybe you @babird1 and your husband can get the book or you can still download the material and go through it together. It's very nice and interesting, with honesty and openness you get to learn a lot about each other. All the best
