It’s getting insane TW
It all started 3 years ago when I was 13. I met a guy older than me and instantly caught feelings for him. He was 16. Soon enough he started to take advantage of me which resulted in me getting heavily emotionally abused by him. He used to get angry drunk and take it out on me, insult me, control me and share inappropriate details about himself. He gaslighted me to death and his manipulation never stopped. I left him after a few months and that’s when my great friend PTSD came along. i self harmed nearly everyday, had panic attacks and constant nightmares *** I could barley maintain any friendships and I collapsed everyday in school. I got flashbacks every time and woke up with a heavy pit in my chest. Life was a *** nightmare.
so I did anything a victim in my situation would’ve desperately done. I went back to him. I went back to him i was 14 by then. I told him everything he made me feel and well. Obviously he didn’t take it well he insulted me over and over insulted some of my friends who tried to help me out, got drunk yet again and angry texted me. Gaslit me and caused me to relapse and also got his new girlfriend in to insult me as well.
he apologized about a month later about everything. I forgave him. My 14 year old innocent self forgave him. I don’t take it back. He again *** up a day after the apology when I actually wanted to have a proper conversation about everything that went on. He said some other hurtful things caused me to relapse again and yeah.
i left him again. That was in august of last year. Two months later it’s September and guess what happens. One of my friends texted him as a “joke” in spite of me knowing everything he’s done. So again I had to go back and I had to apologize for actions that weren’t caused by me. We finally said our goodbyes and left.
until November began. It was my anniversary with my new boyfriend a 6 month anniversary WASNT too much of a big deal. He crashed it :) yup you heard me he came crashing it like it was nothing. He was 17 by then. That was the final time I saw him for an entire year after we agreed to shut each other out.
but of course when I turned 15 I started drowning in my own feelings for him. It was March and I had broken up with my boyfriend by then. What I failed to mention before was that my abuser was actually my first love. Yeah crazy right? He was and still is the only boy I truly loved. I won’t go into detail about my feelings but I swear to you. I love him with every ounce of my body even after all that ***. I wrote him letters for 2 years and kept them stored in a box. I told him everything I wanted to in real life that I couldn’t. I survived the heaviest of my depressions from my SA experience done by a family member. I told him all the happy and good times. Even if he wasn’t even there in my life anymore I still feel like he was and his name was the thing that kept me waking up everyday.
so by September of 2022 he’s still 17 so I send him a letter. An I love you letter, anonymously. That’s *** *** up right? Yeah it is but I was sleep deprived for weeks and impulsive I had no choice I was basically drugged when I sent that letter. How fun.
he miss called me 11 times without me picking up and blocking his number, I guess he must’ve figured out it was me.
that was the last time we had contact.
the story DOESNT end there. I recently figured out by a third party member that he’s actually transgender. I’m not mad about that obviously I support him unconditionally and I myself identify as queer. He has transitioned already so it really doesn’t matter. That’s all good right? Wrong. Not many people talk about how hard it is finding out someone’s transgender especially when they haven’t told you. It is a shock to me, I’m not angry nor upset *** I could care less if he was biologically born a girl. I still love him and respect him for the way he is. The problem is it’s been 3 full years of basically being lied to or more specifically kept secrets from me that I think I was entitled to know at one point right? I mean these information are needed when you’re in a relationship I felt in shock not hurt just in really bad shock that I never expected this. I love him still but I know this is going to be another forbidden love trope because my parents have no idea that I’m queer and my mom did know briefly I was seeing guys. Not knowing one was trans. They’re religious so you could see that I couldn’t be with him ever as a friend nor as a lover. It hurts more than anything and I cry everyday knowing this information. I’m grieving at the lose of him, I’m definitely mourning a lot due to the fact that he hid a lot from me and I never really saw the full person he really was and never knew he wasn’t a cis man. Again that’s not a problem it’s just that I should’ve been able to get a glimpse of some sort of information earlier and I shouldn’t have found out due to a third party’s interruption.
the story again doesn’t end here. The third party did not have consent from him to tell me therefor I know pieces of information I’m not supposed to know. I know this is technically not my fault since I didnt ask for that information but the guilt is drowning me.
my friend who knows him also found out. She agreed not to tell anyone since we are determined to keep his privacy secure but I could see she was judging the whole situation inside. Again I live in a religious community so things like that aren’t common and don’t slide I’m one of the many few who’s open to change and Acceptance of everyone.
Now the last part is probably the most *** up and I won’t bother explaining it but it was a survival mechanism I didn’t choose to do this on my own. I had to tell my mom he was dead, yeah you read that right. Now before you judge me or send hate replies which I’m expecting. I am 15. My mother and brother almost found out themselves that he was trans due to some other stuff that I won’t mention. This was the only way I could cover it up. He doesn’t live in our town anymore so it was an easy lie he lives in a whole other country now since he’s out living with his girlfriend. Do I feel guilty? Yeah do I regret it? No because I don’t wanna risk me getting outed to my parents who wouldn’t hesitate to use physical violence to punish me. Although I chose to do this because I am still feeling Greif for the person I thought I knew but never existed. Believing for three years that he existed and that he was real. He is a real man but I did not know he was transgender again I don’t mind I support him fully but I’ve never found myself in this situation before and I think I’m too young to understand how gender identity works but I know well being trans and cis are completely different experiences thought the gender doesn’t change a trans man is much of a man as a cis man.
im ready to face any sort of criticism In the replies it’s just this situation has been so overwhelming and I needed to get it off my chest somewhere. One last thing is that im visiting the city he lives in now in December. I highly doubt I’ll run into him coincidentally but I’m gonna need an excuse if i do. Help. Yes I’m aware of how insane I sound but I’m trying my best to make a normal sense out of the entire abuse situation all the way to me finding out his secret.
