Kinda Wierd issues in marriage
I've talk to some listeners on her about this but I thought I'd post this here and get some more feedback and see if anyone has experience with a similar situation.
For a little background, I'm from the U.S. but moved to Austria in August of 2022 for a mix of love and work reasons. The reason I need to talk is currently due to relationship issues.
I met my current wife (I'll call her Y from now on) while still living in the U.S. and considering finding work overseas, as I couldn't find anything in the U.S. that would pay enough so I didn't have to work multiple jobs to survive, and was networking to see if it would even be worth my time and effort to look for overseas work.
Y is German and lives and works in Austria. We ended up falling in love and I began looking for work in Austria after my first trip to meet Y in person and we felt things would last long term. We ended up getting married to streamline the immigration process but we truly felt we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I moved here August 1st, 2022 and things have been amazing until the beginning of February.
Y and I have both felt that we were as close to perfect for each other as we've ever found and our relationship has been very healthy - no toxicity and the few disagreements we've had have been amicably worked out. Our intimacy has been great as well, etc. Both of us have had fairly toxic and abusive relationships in our past that have caused trauma. Y's apparently more so than mine. Friday Y told me that the ability for her to be herself around me and not pretend to be someone else has caused her some emotional walls she didn't realize she had to start breaking down which caused her to realize she has more trauma than she thought and it has been affecting her ability to be in a relationship with me (basically PTSD like triggers over things she consciously knows are insignificant so shouldn't be and issue) so she can no longer be in a relationship with me until she deals with this. She doesn't know how long that will take or if she'll ever be able to deal with it enough to be in a romantic relationship with me, or anyone else, again. However, she also doesn't want to get a divorce because she still does love/is in love with me and wants to still be with me but just can't commit romantically right now.
I love her more than anyone I've ever loved and she says she still feels the same about me. Unconditional love basically is the definition of how we feel about each other. However, I don't know how to be or act with this new dynamic or if I can stay as things are indefinitely. I've told her I might be able to stay for 6 months to a year at most before I will need to move on in some way, but it rips my heart out even thinking of moving on.
I understand trauma, and don't begrudge how she feels. I know that it will take as much times as it takes for her to deal with her trauma, and I would never rush her or give her any ultimatums regarding that. I've tried coming up with ideas about long term goals she'd be comfortable with to try to slowly bring us back to at least some place that's close to how things were before, but I know I can't expect her to be willing to try it if she isn't ready.
To clarify how things currently are, we still share the same bed and she even wants to cuddle on the couch when watching TV and cuddle in bed, as we've always done, before going to sleep. We just don't hold hands, kiss, have physical intimacy, etc. Basically, all the things that typically define romance in a relationship. That's the dynamic Y is currently comfortable with for the foreseeable future. I also trust and have had no reason to suspect that there is anyone else she's involved with as , if I wanted to, I have complete access to her accounts and devices (as she does mine) and could find that out easily. She's also asked me to work on her computer and phone when she wasn't home because they were acting up as I work in IT so fixing that stuff is my thing. We have mutual trust and respect for each until given concrete evidence proving otherwise.
Any advice on this dynamic? Anyone had similar experience?
@surgemanblue
She has mentioned that she is unable to continue the relationship as she feels triggered over stuff that should have been insignificant, and doesn't know when or if she might be able to heal from that trauma. From everything you've shared, you both share a deep connection and trust, love and care for each other.
What if the triggers were something she felt safe to share with you? Even if she believes they ought to have been insignificant, in her current "normal", they matter, they trigger her. If we are aware of the triggers, we can make a better job of avoiding or minimizing or at least understanding them. Is this possibly something you both might feel comfortable with? You're quite right, it is not possible to rush her or give ultimatums, but can it be possible to walk the path with her as she finds her way back to healing?
I've asked her about sharing her triggers with me. She hadn't shared them with me until she told me they were happening because she felt foolish for them even being triggers. I told her that traumatic stress isn't going to be rational, but that doesn't make those triggers foolish. I told her that her trauma is valid and she is worthy of live and healing. I've told her that she can tell me anything and I would not judge her. Even as she told me she couldn't commit to our relationship, I was hurt that she felt the way she did but I did not judge her and was there for her. I told her I would always be there for her. We were best friends before we fell in love and staying best friends, regardless of what happens with our relationship, is non-negotiable for both of us.
The long term plans I talked about where primarily in an attempt to walk the path of healing with her. She's dealing with some temporary stress, from finishing up going back to school to get a higher level degree for the recent promotion at her job, which will resolve itself in a few weeks. We're waiting until then to really talk about everything and make a plan so she can solely focus on how she feels about me and our relationship going forward.
@surgemanblue
She is already judging herself for feeling the way she does. She is also aware of the hurt she is causing you even if you haven't explicitly expressed it. So even though you're telling her all the supportive things, she still struggles.
Unconditional love, non negotiable friendship, long term plan. These are big and scary words for someone in an emotional fog, where they aren't yet able to say what they want or why.
It's great that you're going to have a discussion to see how things can be made better for both of you. It is difficult for me to exactly articulate the thoughts on this one because there are many mixed ones. It's as if even the commitment or agreement to certain behaviours or efforts can be scary for her. "Having a talk" automatically implies she's expected to be present and rational and try to communicate and be focused on making things better.
Walking her path may need patience to walk at her pace. Even if she needs to rest at the same spot for a while until she finds energy for the next step. Gaining that energy in that moment can be greatly helped by positives - like sharing a smile with a loved one, sharing a laugh, doing something she loves, knowing you're there to catch her if she needs it. Just being there in that moment with her is a gift to strengthen her energy.
I understand your worry about the future of this marriage and your genuine concern for her wellbeing. We can only help to the extent we are allowed by the person themselves. Beyond that, it isn't helpful.
I hope she is able to accept the love and support you're offering and you can both walk together to a better day.
Thank you for your advice. 💜
I've told her that things can go at her place when she's ready to. If she needs to slow down or even stop for a bit then it's fine. That's also why we are waiting to talk until she feels that she is ready to. We've set down boundaries and ground rules for things until she is ready to discuss things any further and that's been all so far.
She is her own worst critic and has major self-esteem issues from her previous toxic/abusive relationships which I knew and was sensitive to when we first started dating. I told her then that I would just love her unconditionally, as she deserves, and maybe one day she would feel deserving of that love. I've also made sure we took things at her pace, when it came to intimacy etc., because of that past trauma.
I've told her that I'll be there for her in whatever way she needs me to be.
She has asked for temporary space before, because she was overwhelmed by a bunch of stuff, and I gave her as much as she needed so I can only hope that I've proven to her that she can trust that I am willing to give it to her this time for as long as possible.
@surgemanblue,
you are doing all you can do right now and you seem to do all the right things.
Just be there for her. Let her go at her own pace.
What the future holds, nobody knows. Don't forget to take care of you and to lead your own life.
Consistent behavior, patience, being kind and gentle definitely helps her.
She needs a safe harbor. Again, nobody knows what the future holds.
She seems to trust you otherwise she would not have told you all this.
It's a tough situation and all you can do is give her space and go with the flow.
Thanks for sharing. Reading your story helps me. I've been in a similar situation, only my wife didn't feel safe with me and things got bad. Reading your story made me understand where she was coming from.
Thank you.
Take care.
Thank you for your advice. 🙂
I can only hope that I'm doing what is best.
I do what I can to let her know that she can tell me everything without trying to push her to tell me anything. I've also done my best to be accepting and understanding if she tells me she's uncomfortable with something.
I'm sorry to hear that the situation you went through did not turn out well. I've had the benefit of hindsight from previous relationships to help me try to figure things out in this one even though I still feel like I'm just stumbling through everything.
@surgemanblue
Her self criticism and self-esteem issues are additional battles she fights every moment. The trauma triggers and crumbling emotional walls are another front she's having to deal with. With that state of her emotions, it is easy to understand why you're wanting solutions and some hope to hold on to.
Fact is, in a marriage you have the opportunity to explore each other and partner on mind, body, heart and soul. From what you've shared, she has only restricted part of the body aspect (sharing the same home and being able to cuddle are a powerful part of the physical aspect too). The rest is fair game to still share and enjoy if you're able to look past what you don't have at the moment, and build upon what you do.
As the wise duke has mentioned, it is not possible to know what the future holds. All you can control is your present time, which you can choose to use this time to build beautiful, kind, happy memories of good times together. These moments will still be yours to cherish, rather than suffer through memories of endless anxiety, worries and confusions.
When she feels she has defeated her demons enough to be able to make a choice about her romantic connection or physical intimacy, I hope the foundation steadily built over this time with powerful positive energy stands firmly on your side.
Much strength and peace to you!
I knew that she had issues with physical intimacy when we first decided on becoming romantic partners, she was upfront about that, and I told her that for me that was just a perk of the relationship not the purpose of one. Even if our relationship had no sex involved, I would have been with her regardless as long as that was what she wanted.
I will focus on what she and I have now, and try to build upon that as she's ready to.
Thank you for again for your advice. 😊