Long but I needHELP
Hi. I’m new here. I didn’t know where else to go probably like many of you. But I need some help or advice or whatever. Me and this man have been together for almost 4 years now . We have an apartment together 2 cars a cat. We both work at the same place. We make decent money and have pretty good benefits .. okay… so let me tell you about him. He is the most wonderful guy. When he wants to be . Other times he’s a giant ass. But I love this man with everything in my heart and soul. Here’s the problems (S)
- I have anger management issues and trust issues
- I have money saving problems( I have a bad habit of buying anything I see I want or like or he likes) I cannot save money. (It’s like I have a .. oh I’ll get more money next week when I get paid .. it’s okay! Mentality) and I NEED to get rid of that..
- he treats me like garbage 60% of the time (he says it’s because he’s trying to get me to grow up and be more responsible) (he said he’s ready to settle down and get married but doesn’t want to right now because I’m finically insecure and I don’t make him feel safe.)
- we’ve been together for almost 4 years and in the past month in all the arguments we’ve gotten into he has told me he doesn’t want a relationship with me. (Sometimes he doesn’t come home after work. ( for 4 days last week he didn’t come home I didn’t see him at all. When he finally came home he said he hasn’t been coming because I was there) (that same night he was in the shower, playing music . All of a sudden it got quiet so I went in to see what he was doing and he had porn in a little screen on his phone and his text messages up… at first wouldn’t let me see what he was doing on phone then he did and that’s how I discovered porn I was so mad I didn’t even think to look at texts … i of course got very mad and my anger management SUCKS so I flipped and asked him why he would do that with me in the next room and he said “ did you ever think I just don’t want to fuck you” 😔 ..
that was about a week ago. I told him I was done with it all 3 days ago. And that we weren’t together anymore. He came home 2 days in a row but I slept on the couch . NOW yesterday is when he wants to text me asking to have sex.like that was going to make this all better . So I blocked him because sex isn’t going to heal you telling me for a week straight you don’t want to be with me anymore and you don’t want to have sex with me calling me all sorts of names .. I’m sorry I guess bottom line is
1.he says he will marry me and treat me so much better if I would “grow up” and be more financially stable and secure for me but also for “us”
2.I would probably be more financially responsible and secure if I was getting treated nicely. It would make me feel like I’m not here just to help you pay half. But here because you actually love me and want me to be here with you and want to start a life with me.
WHO IS WRONG HERE? If anyone. Or are we both just too stubborn mules who are going to butt heads no matter what?!? HELP ME MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.!
@Ashleebaer
Hi, welcome to 7 Cups! 💜
That sounds like a thorny situation. You have some issues with managing anger and being responsible with saving money (i.e. impulsively buying things), which contributes to him not feeling like he trusts/respects you. On the other hand though, he treats you like garbage in response, which doesn't really make you feel encouraged to work on some of those things. Also recently you caught him looking at porn which made you really angry.
You recently got fed up and said things were over, and his way of trying to reconcile was to offer sex. Which as you've said, that's barely making any dent in resolving everything that feels like it's going wrong with the relationship--or healing the effects of all of his past behaviors that you're unhappy about.
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My impression based on what you've shared (and I feel like you'd probably agree with this) is that you both have some things to work on that are contributing to the conflict. It's not a situation where one person is completely wrong and the other person is perfect. 😊 You both have things that you're upset about where the other person is doing something that's not ideal and causing some unhappiness.
You both have some pains that you want to be seen, understood, validated, and remedied through some kind of behavior change. Both of your needs/grievances are legitimate. There are probably certain specific/concrete things that you could each change about
your behaviors that would help a lot in smoothing things over and
allowing you to both feel respected and cared for. For example:
- I'm guessing he'd be really happy if you were able to work on your communication (i.e. managing anger) and make some concrete changes that would help with the financial instability. And he'd feel loved/supported to see you working on those things.
- Likewise, you'd probably feel really happy if he were to be encouraging, respectful, and treat you like an adult/co-equal in the relationship. It sounds like he possibly has some communication things he could work on also.
Possibly couples counseling might be helpful if you're both willing to try it? Here are a few general links I that might be helpful that have some tips on communication and conflict resolution:
https://www.psychalive.org/communication-between-couples/
https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm
