Lost in silence (bullet points)
My long message doesn't want to post so here is the short version:
- dating a guy for about a month and a half
- already fell for him (that isn't me)
- he is going through a lot of things lately
- last 2 weeks he has canceled 3 times
- last I heard from him was Thursday
- Friday I told him I'd give him some space and would text him next time he text me
- I feel sick I haven't heard from him
- when if at all do I give in and message him?
Details available - app isn't allowing my long message
@diligentSky6532 What is meant to happen will happen. If you don't feel comfortable enough to be yourself and talk to this guy whenever you feel like it and be able to say what is on your mind, then in the long run this might cause you a great deal of unhappiness. Just do whatever makes you happy and comfortable, because that is all that matters :) I hope this helps.
@diligentSky6532 True love builds over a long period of time, usually anything prior is infatuation which can easily be confused because the emotions and feelings are so closely resembled. It doesn't make it hurt less when the other person doesn't reciprocate. If you give in and text him, you'll be going back on your word of giving him the space and time that he needs. Did you ever consider that perhaps what he has going on in his life is actually interfering with his ability to maintain a healthy relationship? Love isn't fair when it comes to relationships, connections people share, and especially timing. It's clear you both connected, felt something that you both would like to explore, but it seems that timing is off. The realization of that is key, understanding that it's actually ok. He has canceled on you three times. That is a sign that he has other things that are preventing him from spending time with you OR that he's not that interested regardless of what he SAYS. I think actions in a lot of cases speak louder. I'm sure that you both had a conversation about those other things that are in his way... did he elaborate?
@Sventek he did elaborate and indeed those things would make it difficult to have a healthy relationship right now 1) recovering addict and 2) newly divorced. Timing is indeed off. It's funny that you mention "actions speak louder than words" because he has said that a few times now. My questions become 1) what is lack of action telling me and 2) would my reciprocated lack of action in keeping my word speak more than going back on it
@diligentSky6532
Well, take a step back (as much as possible) and look at the bigger picture.
He clearly has issues that he needs to deal with that were really on him. Based on what you've described, they are not things that you are likely going to help him resolve. I know that in an ideal world, the thought might be ... "Well, with me... I could make him stronger and we'd fight together," but that is actually only in movies. In real life, the reality is that those are demons he must master - his divorce being final, the underlying reasons WHY they divorced (which you cannot simply discount or only understand his side of it), and of course his addictive personality and struggle.
His lack of action is very telling, it's clear that he is working through things. Those things are so time consuming, it's taking away time that would likely be given to a new relationship. My thought is that this was over before it even started. I'm sure that isn't what you wanted to hear. However, this might have been a blessing in disguise.
Your word is all you have. It's pretty clear that a majority (if not all) the hurdles of starting something fantastic with the both of you are left on hold with all of the drama that is on his side. A relationship of any type is 50/50 - he's not able to give 50, clearly. It needs a full amount of effort to get off the ground... which he cannot provide.
Keep your word. If you pressure him, it could be triggering, not to mention stressful, and then perhaps push him further away from you. Allow him to make contact with you and make the effort. However, DO NOT get strung along. Establish boundaries early in your new relationship with him. You both should. If there isn't an equal partnership... there likely will never be.
You can try to make this work - but, maybe just stay in touch for when things are potentially better for the both of you. If you decide to opt for that - do not wait around for him. Move on and just keep in touch, if at all possible.
One way or another, this situation will resolve either with your effort or without it. The question comes down to this... what are you willing to sacrifice in order to try to make this relationship work in a stellar and healthy manner? The choice is yours.
@Sventek Thank you
You have put each piece what I have been thinking the last couple of days and strung them all together very eloquently. I also have a past of taking care of the "wounded puppies", in many ways that is my own codependency issue that I have been working with. You are right, if I go back on my word I take away the only thing I have that is of value and undo the progress I've made myself.
@Sventek Finally heard from him today. It took some texts but he is dealing with a lot and he told me he is not ready to start a new relationship , he said (as you mentioned) he is dealing with many realizations. He said he doesn't want to lose me.
We are supposed to see each other tomorrow and talk about redefining what this will be- somewhere between friends and gf/bf relationship. We will be defining some boundaries. Other than no sex do you (anyone) have any advice for these boundaries?
when it comes down to it, I am in no rush to go find somebody new. But I am also not going to say that I am willing to wait as long as it takes for him to be "ready".
@diligentSky6532
Maybe there isn't a real need to put a label on things just yet, so put away the label maker. The foundation of this situation is beyond unstable, but clearly you both are at the least interested in one another. The "don't want to lose you" is actually just a placation, with very little substance. People say that when they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings or because they want to soften bad news.
Boundaries - well, sex would certainly complicate things and what you both need right now is certainly not more complications, where sex can be an unlimited amount of stress and confusion added into the mix. I think that is an easy one, but perhaps requires self control on both of your parts. It's easy to write into a text box, not so easy to practice.
Perhaps an agreement on what things are and especially what they are not - without any sense of promises or empty words that mean little.
Perhaps an agreement that this situation is not binding to either of you, either of you could walk away at any time for any reason and it should be done without guilt trips, explanations, or a requirement for a sense of closure.
Perhaps to always keep texting to grocery lists and arrival times - NEVER intimate or close conversation and NEVER anything personal.
Perhaps the fact that you both are still open to date other people, IF it should arise, without guilt. It's unacceptable for either of you to just accept some sense of devotion to one another while systematically closing off other opportunities.
Perhaps having an agreement with one another that honesty trumps drama and placating conversations - to build anything you both must trust one another. If it's broken, walking is not optional.
Agreement to have at least ONE date night every two weeks or at an interval that works for the both of you. It doesn't even have to be called date and doesn't need to be one - perhaps just calling it hanging out is more appropriate here.
Time limits shouldn't be discussed. You can create one confidentially, but keep that to yourself and stick to what you promise yourself. While I've said that your word is your bond, it is also to yourself.
You deserve to be kept far away from his drama, at all costs. His problems do not become yours and certainly not yours to help him solve or even for you to solve for him.
He would need to demonstrate that he is serious about remaining clean, perhaps group, AA, NarcAnon, or a treatment plan. You cannot force him to go, this is something he must do on his own - but it would be something down the road that would be necessary before you even started talking about forming a serious relationship.
This is a time when you both are learning about one another. This means creating opportunities to do so with one another.
And finally, be on the look out for how he treats others around him. Look at his actions, not just his words. Look at how he talks about others, including those close to him. Look for relationship clues on how he would be in a relationship, what he values. The things he values are key to a successful anything between you - because believe it or not - shared values is an important part of any relationship.
Touchpoint intervals - forgot to mention this, ... it's dates that you keep on your mental calendar to see how things are cooking between you and to make a decision on if you wish to continue to persue it, what you're actually getting out of it, and what is potentially possible if you both work together. After all, you don't want to end up "waiting" around for him to make up his mind or get his life together.
I think things will answer themselves in this situation more than you digging for the answers on your own. Sometimes, life just hands you things. It's up to you on what you choose to do about it. There is that word again, action.
So, take action.