Lost the sense of belongingness
I'm afraid. I feel that I'm losing the ability to communicate with anyone. I've been alone and unemployed for a long time now; I think I've lost the grasp of connection somewhere along the way. Today my high school best friend and one of my colleagues from previous work sent me a birthday message, and I could not get past the pleasantries. We hadn't kept in touch in years, but until now — I still don't know how to answer every time they ask about work without having a sudden feeling of shame and sadness and insecurity. That sudden flight-freeze feeling — wanting to get away from the conversation as far as possible.
And I feel a pang of massive guilt about that. I feel so guilty for dodging someone's direct question without giving any explanation. But, I don't know; when I was going through my resignation from my second job after only working for six months, the first one for only a month — the same work colleague told me how he too was struggling to adjust to his job at first, and now he'd been working for two years. It ended up with him telling me how it was my doing that I no longer had work, how I shouldn't quit jobs easily. And am I not afraid that I won't get hired anymore because I'm job hopping? It was. It felt like a painful slap in the face — I could not utter anything.
So I know that the question of "where I am now or am I working?" is perhaps a mere yes-no, but I can't help but tie my self-worth into it. A simple 'no' is enough confirmation that I am a good-for-nothing. And I can't bear ruminating about him thinking the worst of me when it's already what I think about myself. What is left to say? What is there to explain?
That he was right, it's always been my fault. That after losing three jobs, I still haven't learned. That I am a hopeless case, suffering from this crippling anxiety of purposelessness. A fraud. An imposter at any work; who cowers from every minor inconvenience or problem. Or how I cannot get along with superiors because I have an innate fear of them that I can never shake off. That I don't mean to be rude, offend, or hurt anyone for not interacting — it's just every single day, I am so scared and confused out of my wits — that I would mess up with every single thing that I am doing. And wishing, wishing that I could get out of this gut-wrenching pain of my existence, so hopelessly and debilitating that I could no longer function.
Back from my second job, my manager asked me one late night duty what was wrong with me — and these are the things I could not utter. I just sat still and cried silently, looking down at the soles of my shoes as he told me, disappointed and frustrated, that I was rude for never greeting him. Nor smiling; nor telling where I'm going nor when I'm leaving. He said I was the weirdest employee he had ever had — and all I could do was cry.
Cry; because no matter how many times I keep telling myself this sad sob story of mine, the bad things I did will never be any less true. It is still my fault. It doesn't erase the truth that I can't hold a job because I can't handle a conversation without overthinking. Or feeling triggered and offended and paranoid and attacked and drained. Even though I know full well that most of the time, what people say or do isn't about me, and anything that comes out of their mouth is a prerogative I can't control and take away through my selfish interests.
If this is how they see me, maybe they are right. Maybe, I am indeed fragile. Maybe my heart is perversely too small to handle the pain of accountability and responsibilities. Maybe my brain is too narrow-minded for attachments and intimacy, hardwired with pessimism and nihilism that overthinking someone is unbearable for me.
But I'm so tired. So tired and lonely. Underneath all these, I wish and wonder about different things. I wonder what it feels to be sane. To be mature and rational, sensible and in good condition. To get past small talks and greetings and pleasantries and be honest and vulnerable to a person. To feel so secure in this skin that even pouring my heart out to a person, I wouldn't break. To take the high road with pure good intention — appreciate any help and niceties I can get, understand those that aren't. To be authentic and get along with people despite differences. To laugh, love, and be loved. And feel the sense of belongingness again.
Every time I put myself out there, it feels shot in the dark. Every time I finally go out of my room. I still do the same old bad things. Every time I see my family, it reminds me of the many times I've lost my temper with them, and it makes me feel that I'm beyond change.
@fictionjunkie Hey :) Not everything needs an explanation. Especially to people you haven't really been in touch with for years. I mean - that's just my opinion
Sometimes it takes some of us alittle longer to find our place or niche in the world. It doesn't make you any less than anyone else. Some people just find that place quicker. Sounds as though they're maybe alittle judgemental. They don't know what you're dealing with
Maybe you have made mistakes - its ok to make mistakes - we all do. We're human and while you can't change the past you can change the future
Your boss was wrong to say those things to you and I can imagine how it must have made you feel. Instead of taking the moment to understand you better he chose to degrade and demean you. Like there's constructive criticism and destructive. I just don't think that any boss should talk like that to an employee
You showed alot of vulnerability in this post - yeah I know it's anonymous and online - there's a buffer. But you did good - just talking here about this - you did really good
I think if we put in alot of work we can change. There will be good days and bad ones and we have to take them as they come
Try to be patient with yourself - I know its hard but sometimes that all we can do ❤️
@mytwistedsoul Hey there, thank you for taking the time to write this thoughtful reply. It still feels daunting sharing my deepest thoughts and emotions here, openly. As if I am overexposed. But there's also something about the anonymity of writing here that makes me feel safe to be so vulnerable. It is as if writing only a letter to a friend; it feels intimate and private somehow.
Perhaps I am still hanging in the hopes that by writing them all down, I would be able to get them out of my system. Like a therapeutic form of exorcism for all the unreleased feelings, I am too afraid to share in real life. And that's why I understand your opinion about how not everything needs an explanation. How some things are better left unsaid — and I think for me, it's more of coming from a place of uncertainties that hold me back from divulging anything to people I know or used to know. It is; not giving anything concrete yet since I still don't know the direction of my life. I find that sometimes a premature disclosure puts so much pressure on me. It leaves me feeling more confused. Or maybe there's always an embedded pressure when it comes to people who know us. When I resigned from my second job, that said former coworker made me feel unsafe sharing. He said I should not feel sad about leaving because I made a choice. And that's exactly how it feels. Yet I still feel guilty. I feel like I owe him an answer and explanation. The truth is, it's not only the explanation I withheld from him; I deliberately did not reply when he asked whether I was working or not. A simple no might have sufficed, but I got afraid that he'd pressed on more details and would say the same opinion of me as before — that I said goodbye as fast as I could. I wonder if I had given him a chance again or the benefit of the doubt. I don't know; I am still learning not to overthink and berate myself when I choose not to give an answer and explanation.
I guess; this relentless need to over-explain myself comes from how my old manager made me feel, too. He got mad at me for not talking to him and not looping him in with simple things such as where I was going or when I'd be leaving. And I know he was right, which made it strings more. But I guess it had to happen for me to differentiate when to divulge and not. I still can't discern the two sometimes. Maybe trying would be enough.
Trying. And making peace with the fact that — life is a series of constant mistakes and improvements where some days are good, sometimes are bad.
It is probably rhetorical to ask this, but — are there people who don't go through a quarter-life crisis? How can one get out of this labyrinth? This rat race?
Anyway, thank you so much for all these reminders, @mytwistedsoul. I know that sometimes the response to our problems may seem obvious. Yet it still feels comforting to hear them from someone now and then. So, thank you. All the best! ❤️
@fictionjunkie I can understand that. Its hard to share things even if its anonymous. Because we still know it's us and making ourselves vulnerable is hard anonymous or not
Journaling is therapeutic and it does help to get the thoughts out. I like how you phrased that - therapeutic form of exorcism. It makes alot of sense - like you're pressuring yourself over expectations? Your's and other people's. Someone once told me that it's ok to be sad or hurt or anything you feel - even if it was something that we made the choice to do or not do. We're still allowed to have feelings about it. This is something I struggle with
Maybe it would be better to look at life as a series of learning experiences instead of mistakes? We learn as we go. We take what we learn from each job - each experience and apply it to the next until we find that niche. Like with your old boss - maybe it's best to tell them when you leaving for the day but you might not need to for lunch break if it's at a set time each day
Hmmm - I had to think about this question. I would imagine there probably are people that don't but they may have had their future mapped out allready for various reasons. Family commitments - like being in a family business or something
You're welcome :) it's nice to have someone help us untangle things. I know I'm just some random stranger but for what it's worth - I believe you will find your niche
Take care :)
@mytwistedsoul All noted, thank you. You put the mistakes part into a better context. And got it; let my manager know when I'm leaving. That was my bad, not saying goodbyes. I thought it was implicit once I clocked out. When truthfully, I was afraid of approaching him. It was a painful eye-opener for me, but I laugh about that experience — now; sometimes.
It is a struggle indeed to validate our feelings about choices. There are still always negative feelings that come around when we make a choice that we like or not. Sorry that you are also struggling with this. Hugs and grace to that.
I had to think of my question too. A family business is one reason for not going through a quarter-life crisis. If they do love what they're doing, I guess?
Thank you for believing; that means so much to me. I hope that writing all these replies also helped you in some way. 💛
