Love isn't real.
So.... Im gonna preface this with, if anyone gives me any of that 'you shouldn't worry about a relationship or love or you're so young' crap. I just... Please don't. Ok?
From the time that I first knew what love was, ive either fallen for the wrong guys or had a lot of them reject me. at this point in my life, I don't know what love is. And I don't know what ppl want but clearly I'm not it. Ive tried loving who I am and I've tried to enjoy my 'singleness'. I've read books about waiting, ive listened to podcasts. Ive heard every thing I can under the sun and tried to do what they said. I wrote out my feelings, I did the letters. I grew up w/ a spiritual belief, I even prayed. I thought I did things right. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I tried to heal from the past bad relationships. I tried to forgive every person who I let in. I thought maybe I was holding onto baggage. I tried therapy at one point. Ive tried and tried. As all around me I watched my female peers finding their person and praising 'God' for answering their prayers. When I'd been on my own knees asking 'God' to open a door to love. When that love I wanted didn't even have a chance because the person I thought was the peace at last didn't even want me. And at last. After all these years. I sit here and watch as a family member prepares to 'get engaged' to her boyfriend of five years. While I've never even been on a DATE! no one has ever looked at me and wanted to take me out. No one, as I sit here with tears in my eyes and such an anger in my heart. As I sit here and hate. Love. I hate it with a passion because come my birthday I will still be alone. Come next year I will be alone. No one wants me. And sometimes it is like the 'God' those same girls in my female peer circle, must have put some invisible sign on my back that just says 'this one doesnt get to have a boyfriend, don't say I like you too, to her' God. The universe. Whatever you may believe. Its like I've been singled out and it angers me. I try and try to be good enough. Kind enough. I try to be the woman who supports and is there for those around her. But no. That's not quality to be dated. That's 'YOU'RE JUST A FRIEND' material when I am WORTHY. I am worthy of being looked at as beautiful as the rest of these shallow walking women who are so ugly on the outside I couldn't fathom a man looking at them. I can't even look at them. But that's what they want? Shallow people? Yet I'm the one who's passed by. Rejected. Again and again and again. There isn't love In my future and it hurts. It honestly hurts.
@FaithfulGeekyGal20 Hi. I know this is a really painful time. I’ve been there myself. Maybe try to stop praying for what you want and stop asking why you are in this position when others seem to have what you want. The cycle of circular reasoning about why and why not, why me, will certainly take away a lot of energy. Right now, you see a future you are certain is cold. What may help is to recognize that you’re not a fortune teller. You can’t really know what is in your future. That may give you some energy. I know you have tried everything, but maybe it’s more accurate to say everything you have tried so far hasn’t given you the results you want. My guess is there is still more information available to get you toward your goals. In my own case, I was pretty convinced I knew what the limits of life were in terms of my being in a relationship. But it turns out I was largely wrong. And while you are looking for that special partner, remember that there are a lot of things in life that might be worth spending time on. Things like exercise, self development, art, music, etc. And some of these can be sub-goals for your main goal of finding a loving partner. It may also be helpful to not hold so tightly to any one goal. That is, if you can make a plan of action and then follow it, don’t worry about the results much. Don’t put a timeline on any of it because if you reach that time and haven’t met your goal you’ll just feel depressed and question if your plan is working. Keep moving forward with a little faith that you’re going to try this experiment and see if it works. Reevaluate and change what you’re doing if necessary. Pay attention to “small wins.” Be willing to engage with people as “friends,” rather than setting your sights on romantic partner. It’s ok to hope for that, but if you’re laser focused on love it can get in the way. Finally, if you’ve read this far and you’re thinking, “yeah but this will never work for me,” that response is common for most humans. We indeed know ourselves and our history better than anyone, but we have blind spots. It’s as if we are standing in a hole and we conclude the world must look like dirt and just a tiny window to sky. If we peek over the edge and finally see horizon, we have a better feel of what’s available to us. All the best sweetie, you deserve love and I’m confident you’ll find it.
@hopefulPond6108
I love everything you wrote here! ^^