Messed Up a Good Relationship

@TheyCallmeKC yeah its normal to want to be desiered by him but maybe try to work on your anxiety so this doesn't happen again when you develop another relationship but i am truly sorry it didn't work out between you two.

@TheyCallmeKC

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

So, I dated this guy for 5 months. He treated me so as well as he could even though he's circumstances wasn't ideal for a relationship. He was sweet, texted me everyday even though he doesn't like texting in general, surprised me flowers, and tried to be there for me emotionally. The thing is, my anxiety and insecurities has been on a all time high for a while now ( after I got sexually assaulted and cheated on) so I didn't feel good enough. (I understand, its not easy going through those two things and often they can be very traumatic to experience. This would definetly make you feel not good enough and with low self esteem, so it takes time for you to feel comfortable with anyone or in a relationship) I knew this coming into the relationship... I wanted to change though. Be more confident and be more happy bur I lose that confidence after a while. (This is quite common, specially when you have a lot of things going on and then it keeps pilling up. I do feel you have the strength to do great things, however the fear, shame and anxiety tend to make you focus on the negative aspects of your life when in reality you have more positive aspects) Especially when I realize he and I don't talk much about anything at all, it's very small talk-ish type and that drains me so much. (Its this related to a fear of getting hurt? because often certain conversations topics can trigger your fear of getting hurt. Theres also a chance you felt anxiety before or after conversations which made you feel drained) I get bored. I worry about my inability to talk to him casually was because I can't be open to him all the way... (I see why you would say this, its not easy to open up fully about what happened. It's normal you can't be open to him all the way, it takes time. I do think they were times where you kept him at arm length to not get hurt) The put a strain in the relationship. Lack of communication. Me acting aloof (This is like surpressing your feelings and not wanting him to know how you deep down) or upset but unwilling to talk about what it is that upsets me. (This probably felt like this strong fear and anxiety that prevented you from expressing yourself openly. it feels horrible wanting to speak, but at the same time being afraid of saying how you feel) It made him so mad... After trying to make it work, he broke it off. Saying it wasn't meant to be... I felt so guilty because I feel like it's all my fault. I don't know why I had hard time talking to him.... Is it okay to feel that way? (A lot of the behavior you showed in the relationship are things you were unaware of and couldn't put those feelings into words. I do feel you were afraid of getting hurt, terrified of expressing yourself out of fear of being criticized or abandoned, of your feelings being minized, fear of closeness and other things. It's really tough going through this, and it really feels awful wanting to share and connect, but at the same time feeling afraid) To want to talk him and to desire being with him?