My BF is all over the place.
It has been almost 4 years since we began our relationship and now that I look back there were many red flags I chose to ignore because we reconnected after three decades, and I felt like this was a second chance. We have some great runs of respect, laughter, friendship, excitement and intimacy. Those streaks can last a couple of months and then the ball drops. He rages over things that are untrue in his head. He blames me for things beyond my control. I feel as though he has extreme contempt for me. It can last a couple hours or a few days. In the beginning he told me he had anxiety, and possible BPD, but after much research, I think he has a mix of many PD's. Narcissism being one of them. Often I catch him in a daze, or rewinding the tv show mutliple times because he just can't follow the program. I have read enough to know it isn't my fault. I am conscious of what is happening, but it still hurts, and I also worry about him. I don't have anyone to talk to that will not judge him, so here I am. Looking for someone else who lives with the daily walking on eggshells like myself. Any advice on how to be there for him, but still keep my sanity and avoid being the blamebag for his rage?
@Jasmine1008
BPD can be a confusing and tough thing to be dealing with when a partner has it. It's not uncommon to be subject to blame from a partner as they struggle to handle their own emotions. I would like to congratulate you on your strength for staying with him for 4 years 💖 You are a very kind soul. More often than not, the fear of abandonment is what causes people with BPD to mistrust their partners, and that may be the source of their rage over things that are untrue or you can't control. It could very well be fear. People with BPD have to work twice as hard to trust their partners.
Some tips that may help are:
Attending couple's therapy: Your partner can learn to deal with his emotions in a couple setting
Avoid blaming everything on their illness: Although this may seem like a logical thing to do (ex. Your partner breaks something in a fit of rage and feels guilty about it later on and you blame this behaviour on their BPD. "It's okay, BPD can be difficult sometimes.") It may cause your partner to start thinking of it as an insult or put-down.
Talking only when your partner is calm: Often BPD episodes are highly emotionally driven, try to speak with your partner about setting times to talk only after they have calmed down to avoid strong emotioned (and sometimes irrational and rageful) conversations.
Offer them support: Instead of comforting them about their behaviour, give them room to vent about things and fully express their emotions, let them know you are there for them and are willing to help them in any way you can whether or not it is accepted or rejected. This can help build that trust that may help with the issue of being his 'blamebag'.
Self-care: Put aside time for yourself to recharge your energy and motivation, living with someone who has BPD can feel draining, but doing the things for yourself can really uplift you and prepare you to offer support for them
One thing I'd also like to say to you is, BPD is one thing, but sometimes BPD can mask abuse. If your partner shows no remorse for their outbursts, does not want to help rekindle the relationship or is using you in any way, the behaviour may border into abuse. Be sure to really take into consideration that people with BPD are conscious when they have episodes, but they may not have liked the episode as it hurt you. If that remorse isn't there, I would really consider your own emotional health and self-care.
[Source: https://www.everydayhealth.com/bpd/tips-couples-living-with-borderline-personality-disorder/]
@LavenderFlower thank you. He does have remorse afterward. It can take an hour or a few days but he does tend to apologize. All of the things you mentioned are things I practice when he rages. However, he does realize he has it and diagnosed himself a while back but refuses to go to a "shrink" and be ridiculed or judged. He really doesnt believe they help from past experience with an EX. Things that set him off seem to be things he can't control like family gatherings and vacations. He is very selfish in that way and tends to find a reason for something to blame on me so he has an excuse to fly off the handle before or during these types of events. He is super charming to everyone but behind close doors he is very judgemental so I just listen although it hurts to hear his words of criticism about me, my family or friends. I also believe he takes the wrong medication for anxiety and now BPD, but he will only go to a regular physician and that's what they prescribed him. He had about 10 episodes last year and 3 so far this year. Is that a common number and could it gradually increase over time?
@Jasmine1008
I'm happy to hear he is remorseful for his actions. It shows he does care. I would really recommend him going to a professional who could put him on the right medication, perhaps going with him while he is with the psychiatrist in the room may help him feel less ridiculed? As for the episodes he has, I don't think there is any 'common number'. Much like depression episodes or panic attacks, it is different for everyone depending on triggers and such. It's best to judge the number of episodes on him and not compare to anyone else because it can feel like you are not where you need to be, or make you feel as if he is doing better than other people, which could lead to a deficit of progress. Instead, look at how many episodes he is having as how much control he feels he has over his life, for example, if he is having more episodes it may mean he feels as if he has less control. If he is having fewer episodes, he may feel as if he has more control over his life. From what you are saying, it sounds like how much control he has seems to be a trigger, so I would definitely keep that in mind 💖 Keep in mind we at 7cups are not professionals, but I do hope this information helps in some way.
@LavenderFlower Thank You
@Jasmine1008 Speaking from personal experience, I don't think it should increase drastically over time. My dad says my mom didn't have many episodes at all when they were early in their marriage, but some of the few she did have were some of her worst. Now 30 years later she still has episodes and some are still pretty bad, but it's still manageable. My mom is also triggered by a lack of control, and especially by medical stuff. She also doesn't trust anyone, especially the doctors, which led her to have a kidney infection that led her to a surgery to have it removed because she wouldn't get it taken care of, and those episodes before and after the surgery were beasts, but she was understandably stressed and didn't know how to handle it. She also found a way to blame my father for everything in the process, and I've had her blame me for tons of stuff too. I guess it makes a person treasure the good times even more though. But yeah i know how hard it is to hear lived ones talked about badly. She wouldn't even let me see my family on my father's side until i was about 16 years old, at which point i was starting to worry they really were awful people to be around. I'm glad i didn't listen though. Now we go every year, despite my mother getting into fits and almost cancelling our flights every year.
@ReclusiveReptile I think once a month is the maximum frequency of fits for us. Sometimes there's good years with several fit-free months, but i usually don't keep track beyond that. Though now that my brother has started having fits it's gotten a bit worse since if my mother finds out that my brother had a fit that makes her have a fit, which may influence my brother more to have his own fits. It's a vicious cycle. The family tries best we can to keep negative communication about the other to a minimum, but if my brother is in the hospital or something she has to know and all hell breaks loose if she finds out she didn't know, and then she rants about her theories of what his new family is doing to him to make him get that way, not realizing the irony that she herself is that way, just in different expressions of the traits
