My situation

Hi there I am a new member. I am struggling in my situation. I am legally married , but I don’t feel traditionally married. I dated my husband for over a year before we got married. It is my first marriage , his 4th. I am thinking I shouldn’t have married him. During our year of dating we had several red flags I should have acted on. The first was a text from a female I caught over his shoulder . It made me uncomfortable but we were newly dating so I didn’t feel I had the right to mention it. About 4 months in , I caught another text from the same female. At this point I voiced my frustration. He claimed she was a friend. I shared my concern with his sister who was my friend and she told me she was his ex and more than a friend. He agreed to remove her from his contacts and stop texting her. About another 4 months down He and I were out dinner and drinks and I think he thought I was too drunk to notice but he asked me to text him a photo of him I had taken at dinner, so I did. He immediately sent it to her right in front of me. Cue our first big fight. Again he agreed to stop. The final time was Thanksgiving holiday. He took me to meet his mom for the first time. He turned the gps on his phone and as we pulled in to her driveway a text came thru. It was her. I saw it. My demeanor immediately changed but I had to fake it to meet his mom. He immediately had to use the bathroom and of course deleted it. I was silent the whole way home. He knew. We had another major blowout over it. He again promised to stop. I went to gossip to my girlfriends about it and so ironically coincidentally told them who the girl was and they said she was their neighbor!!! I said well holy hell. I marched over to her house and had some words . I think the communication stopped. I haven’t caught it since. So we got married. In 2019. It is almost 2022. He has not moved me in. We still live in separate houses. We don’t share bills, bank accounts. Nothing. I sleep over at his house like a girlfriend. We don’t co parent our kids. Everything is separate. It’s like we are not even married. I saw his tax return and he claimed head of household. I saw the box checked stating unmarried. Last year something else happened. His dads ex wife died. He got a phone call from ex wife #3. Who apparently was close to her. He claims he ignored the call. Ex wife #3 was a violent abusive drunk. So he says. Anyway he and I went thru a rough patch where we were arguing a lot and I stayed at my house a few nights and did not sleep over. During these nights he returned contact to ex wife #3 and seemingly was rekindling her. She screenshot me their conversations. He told her we had divorced I had moved out and he was single. He was very explicit in recalling sexual memories and even stated he was horny while talking to her and had to pleasure himself. Both claim they never met up and only got as far as talking before I found out . He stonewalls me when I ask direct questions and why. Has never gave me a reason. It has caused me extreme ptsd. I was abandoned by both parents and I’ve always had to beg to be loved and chosen . Being cheated on triggers trauma for me. It has also caused me self esteem issues . There are also other factors in our relationship, there’s no intimacy no connection. He doesn’t touch me compliment me. This may be tmi but the sex is not emotional. He touches me with his finger just enough to work it in to get to the end result. There’s no kissing nothing emotional at all. I sit and I wonder why I stay . I stay because I am alone. I literally have no one. I have no family. As I stated my parent abandoned me . I was raised by my grandparents and they passed . I had 2 uncles and they passed. I’ve had some friends , but because of trauma from parental abandonment and issues I have trouble forming and keeping friendships and relationships. I am one and done . I cut people out easily. It’s partly why I am here for support. I have no one. As far as my husband. I don’t know what to do. He begs me to stay. He constantly says he loves me and wants me. I just sit back and look at this situation and am like where is the love? What is love?