Need Advice, don't want to lose (26boyfriend} or mom *long post*
I'm [25F] college student want advice or to hear any experience anyone has had with a controlling parent. My mother had forbidden me to see my boyfriend [26M] of 8 months because she doesn't like him. She told me that if I didn't break up with him she would disown me, that she wouldn't have a daughter any more and she would take my car that's in her name away. I need my car for commuting to work and school.
I told her I broke off the relationship with him but that was a lie. I kept dating him in secret. It's now been 1 year 5 months we've been together. My boyfriend and I had a fight because of difficulty talking about our future because of uncertainty about where to move when I graduate this spring. I felt like I wasn't being heard when we talked about his idea vs mine. I told my mom because I didn't know who to talk , I don't have many friends here where I go to school. My mom told me she never believed I actually broke up with him. I broke up with him again and she told me that if I ever get back with him again and lie about it she's done with me.
I have broken up with him but I have spent some time talking to him and let him explain some things that I told him that were the reasons I broke it off for real this time. I still feel hurt by him but I now know it was a misunderstanding in our communication. I want to be friends with him and think I want the relationship to work. I still love him. I don't know if I can take it back. I told him I feel like I need some time to figure this out because I am stressed and don't feel like myself.
Since I told my mom about the breakup, she constantly calls to make sure he's not contacting me. I'm not telling her he is actually contacting me and came over several times. She bad mouths him and says things about him that simply aren't true. My boyfriend and I had our issues but it's nothing that can't be worked out. She told me I broke her trust and that once that's gone you can never get it back.
She has co-signed my lease on the apartment I will live in for student teaching and lent me the deposit and down payment because I won't have that money until I get my student refund in the early spring. Part of broke up this time because of the worry about paying and getting the housing because I don't have renters history and they wouldn't do it with out a cosigner.
My mom and I have had many fights a recent one over me having control of my own bank accounts and paying my bills my self and buying with money I earned from my jobs.
I have this big fear over losing my mom forever. If I want to date this guy again I fear she might really disown me. I know partly in my head it's not right for her to do this, but I don't think I can stand to lose my mom. I lost my Dad when I was young. He and my mom split because of his drinking and he took his own life.
I hope I did a decent job of writing this out with as much information that tells the story. I need to hear someone else talk about this from outside.
I can just tell you from my experience with a controlling mother. While it's ok to be aware of what children are doing in their lives, it's in no way healthy to be controlling their lives. She may or may not like your boyfriend, should not have to affect what you have with your mother. Mother's are known for unconditional love.
Having said that, a situation like this is difficult to handle because we are dependent on them emotionally and financially. It gives them control over us. First aim should be to be independent as soon as possible. Choose a best way in career for you which pays you for long term .tell your bf about your plans. Ask him for support and understanding. You don't have to tell your mom about your relationship if you choose not to. Learn balancing. but keep yourself as priority. Neither mom nor bf.
@courteousLand
Thank you for your insight.
Basically it's a choice between family and love. There are plenty of guys to date and love but we only have one mom. It's your decision who you choose. That being said, she has no right to judge you based on who you prefer to spend your time with, she should be happy for you.If he treats you right then he's the one for you. This is a dilemma because no matter what you choose you'd have given up on someone. Perhaps talk to her again and show her he's good for you. What if she was in your shoes? Would she want her mom to threaten with disowning her. Lots of harsh words are said in anger. Maybe she'll change her mind eventually? I wish you the best.
@VeganFeministGenderFluid
That's a really good point with switching the role and putting her in my shoes. Wow, I didn't think about that.
Thank you
The best thing to do for now is become independant of your mother. It is not an easy task, and may require you to do things behind her back she will clearly be angry at you for, but you are an adult now, you are allowed priviacy and freedom and you need space to open your wings. getting a bank account can be done yourself, there are a few banks that do college checking accounts to those will little credit (Chase is the first that comes to mind but there are more.) once you are in control of your money, you will slowly gain control of other aspects of your life.
@Psyphire
Thanks for the advice and listening
Quite frankly, I'm a little disturbed at the degree of how much your mother inserts herself into your life. Some of it is understandable: it sounds like she would be at least partially financally responsible for you, but not having control over your own bank accounts and what not means you'd be forever dependent on her.
As others have said, you'll have to decide what you want and how to proceed. I'm not surprised if your boyfriend is hesitant because your relationship to your mother (if you're looking at the long-term, you'd be asking him to potentially deal with this too). Which is another aspect to this, because unless your mother has a specific objection to your relationship with him, she likely sees him as a threat of the relationship you have with her.
Only you know what you want and what's best but there's a good chance one or the other will have to go. Your mom may never be willing to accept this relationship (or any relationship you have!). Your boyfriend may decide (quite understandably) he doesn't want to deal with this, especially if you've alredy broken up with him. I've seen this happen to a friend and in the end she chose her family. The boyfriend confided in a mutual friend and said that he wasn't surprised she was so hesitant and that he became hesitant because she was so it have never have worked. There were other issues at play and I'm not sure what happened to him (I assume he moved on) but it was just another instance of my friend being stuck in this cycle where she wasn't willing to break away from her parents.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea
Thank you for your help. I really wish their was just a magic wand to make everything perfect. Having to choose just seems so unfair.
