Not sure what to do anymore

Hi, I just need to talk about things so I don’t feel like I’m just crazy.

I have the most amazing husband in most ways. But when it comes to when I’m depressed things seem to take a turn most times. I have been under a huge amount of stress this year and a lot of things have changed and so I know I don’t normally handle those things well and I was prepared, ya know as a much as I could be. I try to be open with communication about my BPD and he has asked me to let him know when I’m feeling certain ways.

The problem is he was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship before we found each other so he has some intense triggers. This is weird to type out because I don’t have anyone in my like that I ever talk to about anything like this. Anyway so the biggest problem is when I’m not feeling great he goes on edge and so then I just get anxious feeling like my stuff is making things bad. It normally ends up with me not being in a great mood and then he will snip about something and I just get upset.

The real big problem comes after things start going wrong. I am a retreater and so my anxiety response is to freeze. He does not like that and he’s a person that needs to get the the bottom of things right then and there. I try explaining to him that I feel frozen and that I’m sorry that I can’t think straight, the big issue though is that I consistently ask if we could please stop and I try to communicate and vocally tell him that I am feeling a panic attack coming on…he won’t stop…very rarely. Normally it then just keeps escalating. If he’s not home he will keep calling or texting even if I ask for it to please stop. If it’s at home he will follow me and if I lock a door he will stand in the room and mumble and yell things and he always has to have the last word. I always tell him please stop mumbling and yelling it makes it all worse because I just assume they are really mean things that are being said. He also gets in a state of just saying rude things like “things can’t just be sad all the time” “why do you have to do this all the time” “it’s always about you never about me” “I didn’t want my life to be like this” “you need to just control yourself” But then if I get upset about the hurtful things being said then I’m wrong because obviously he didn’t mean those things and it’s just his anxiety that causes him to do and say things. I tell him that what he is doing is making things worse and my panic attack worse but that doesn’t matter I’m just seen as “selfish”

I guess I’m just feeling really tired of this go around and I’m not sure I ever see how this cycle can be broken. I don’t know how to communicate any clearer and I guess I just want to vent and see if there’s anyone else who can relate.