Numb to Relationships & Love

@LostTurtle22 Hi, thank you for your post and apologies for the delayed response.
I'm finally on the computer, so it's easier for me to keep track of my posts this way, mobile app is a bit difficult....

No, no one in my immediate family has an addiction, not really...My mother has an addiction to coffee and my father is addicted to pop, which in other regions people would call that "soda". They used to drink heavy, but that was before I was born...My younger brother has an addiction problem to (heavy) drugs and alcohol unfortunately though...Sometimes I can't be around him for that reason, but I do check on him so he doesn't get himself killed.

However, I did grow up in a dysfunctional family. My parents were abusive growing up and highly religious. Almost got disowned and kicked out a few times. My mother used to hit me and committed SA...Which I didn't know counted as SA but was told it is....My father was more verbally abusive, he has attempted to physically harm me, but my mother stopped him, despite the fact she still hit me during that time... I ended up leaving the house as soon as I turnt 18. I have no contact with my father for about 2-3yrs, and my mother is on and off contact, only due to the fact that my oldest brother lives with her.

I think I tend to be attracted more so to people who also grew up in dysfunction like me. My ex's father was a wife-beater, and his biological mother tried to cause harm to ex and his sister by chasing them around with a knife while intoxicated. His parents had a heavy drinking problem. My ex no longer drinks, and it's been about a year, but I'm still feeling cautious, because he can slip up at any time. He'd tell me he's done, then a few months later, he'd blame work for his drinking. The gentleman friend I was courting, his father was a sleaze bag that left the family, so his mom was a single mom. He found himself in a lot of trouble as a kid. He has depression and is suicidal, I had to drive over there once with my child asleep to make sure he doesn't do something to himself....

I guess I'm just tired of being everyone's rock, and not having that reciprocated whenever I'm struggling. I'm numb to "romantic" love at this point. The only love I have is for my son, and he's my entire world. I don't feel anything like that towards anyone else. My "friends" in the past have used me for free rides, as a designated driver and a free meal [I usually pay for my friends whenever we go out, I'm just accustomed to that, might just be how I was raised or a cultural thing...]. Either that, or I don't feel any real connection to them other than "we work the same job" and...yeah...Maybe that's why, I keep making work friends instead of putting myself out there.

I think it'll just take me some time before I'm able to love again, and I'm OK with that. I want to focus on my son and myself. I love my son, and I love myself. I just need to grow a bit more and maybe I'll find someone with similar lifestyle/principles/priorities. Right now, I want to grow my career and provide for my son and work on my inner-self. I don't mind making friends though, it's just that I'm really picky these days now...I don't want to be around people who make me drown instead of uplifting me.