Opposites not attracting

Hi there. Thank you for your time ☺️

trigger warning.

My husband & I have been married 15 years. I was 18 & he was 40 when we married. (I know seems crazy)

I had so much unresolved/unprocessed trauma from my traumatic childhood & those years of married in my 20s I feel were crucial to processing that. Well I was a wife & I lived for my husband. Who is/was military. He became my identity. His personality, his likes & dislikes etc. We got married & moved overseas. It was a bad experience. We fought, mostly because he wasn’t around & I was enraged with jealousy. Probably because I had gained about 50 lbs & he told me didn’t find me attractive.

Then from them on we moved to Florida & he pursued his after military things (school, work). I finally decided to find a career for me.

then we moved back to my hometown around my family. Which is a whole other situation in itself. & I became extremely depressed. We couldn’t have a baby & I was destined to be a mom. Developed an eating disorder. Suicidal. Checked myself into mental hospitals. I had no support or help. He was not supportive.

I had an affair for about 10 months. (I was determined to be loved & cared for & possibly have a baby on a whim. Again, desperate)

& he took me back. & since all of that I have worked really hard to grow & evolve. I have found spirituality. I am more positive & my self worth is much better. I’ve been determined not to be that person I wouldn’t recognize on the streets. The only thing that hasn’t changed is him. He refuses to growth & evolve. He believes he is perfect the way he is. I’ve asked him to do counseling & he refuses. Some of the main issues with him too are he doesn’t take care of himself.

he doesn’t brush his teeth. He doesn’t clean up after himself. (Since separating he stays in our house & it’s absolutely atrocious). He eats junk constantly & take out & then complains about his health.

I’ve been with him through so many surgeries.

I just feel like I’m beating a dead horse. & I think a lot of shame is making me feel like I don’t deserve to make the decision to leave because I’m the one that messed up years ago.

but I feel like he’s holding me back from continued growth & that he just doesn’t care anymore. He was married for 19 years before me & maybe he’s just too tired to care. & he has so much trauma from that relationship he just doesn’t want help.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so tired. Of losing sleep. Wakin up in the middle of the night making notes in my phone hoping he will do counseling one day & I can be prepared.

I have a hard time sayin words that might hurt someone. But he doesn’t he says what he feels & it’s painful. But do I deserve it? I’m starting to think I don’t.

thank you for reading if you made it this far. I’m sorry for the length!