Over reacting?
I've been married for 18 years. We have had our ups and downs through the years and recently had a falling out over a trust issue. About a week ago we had a long discussion and both agreed we were not ready to call it quits. We both agreed we would spend more time focusing on "us". Saturday he spent the day on a boy scout outing with our son. When he got back late afternoon, I was doing barn chores. When I came in a short while later he was texting his buddy and rushing around. He said the guys were leaving soon to go to a friends camp, spend the night and go snowmobiling Sunday. He said "We dont have plans right?" I said "I dont know, we haven't discussed it." He continued to pack his things and said "you dont care if I go right?" I replied "I guess you're going to do what you want". As he was heading out the door he gave me a kiss and said "you're not mad are you?' I said "I'm not mad but I'm not happy." He looked at me for a second, shrugged and left. I feel like I've been slapped in the face...just a few days before he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted to work on "us". I cant help but notice that its pretty hard to do that when we are not together. Maybe I should have confronted him and said he shouldn't go...but should I have to?? If he was truly committed to working on things I cant help but feel that he should have said no to the guys on his own. Am I off base here?
@determinedWalker5910
At the risk of sounding politically incorrect I'm going to say this. Please understand that most men need to be told clearly and precisely when you're hurt or upset (if possible with a roadmap on how to fix it.) At his end he asked all the right questions at the time and was glad you didn't stop him. To expect him to say 'no' to the guys on his own required one or more of his questions to be answered with the kind of answer that would clarify that you don't like it. The best way to avoid a recurrence in future might be to have his first question always answered with a definite yes. Always have stuff planned for free time since he has shown that he cares most about not letting you down on that front :)
Wanting to work on 'us' and knowing how to work on 'us' are completely different things and that's just the start of the process.
The whole point of a relationship tuning is exactly to identify and close all such gaps that cause unnecessary hurt to either one of you. Good luck!
@0m. Thank you for your insight. I have done as you suggested in similar past situations and have directly asked him not go...it then becomes an argument of "why not" and if he does stay home he's grouchy, resentful and makes snide comments that he could have been doing xyz. I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont.
@determinedWalker5910
Then perhaps that is exactly the way out of this dilemma. The answer to his 'why not' is to already have plans for all known free time. All his arguments and questions point to the fact that he cares about plans. So if he was ditching something to go running off with friends, he might understand others being upset over that - he gets resentful when his plans are uprooted for no better plans.
@determinedWalker5910
Another alternative could also be setting boundaries for non-family time. So maybe a half day every week or a couple of hours, depending on how much time you both want together and have to spare might be set aside for personal leisure, whatever that may be. All other time needs to be discussed mutually and spent together, even if it's spend discussing what else you could have been doing!
