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determinedWalker5910
2 2,898 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts158 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes23 Current upvotes23 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 1, 2019
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Am I over reacting
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 July 31st, 2023
...See more My spouse and I haven’t always had the best relationship but I need some feedback on a recent situation. Spouse wanted to buy a used car…this is not a NEED…he has a “toy”summer car and a truck. I have a car as well. His rationale for the car is to drive for work when a truck isn’t needed to save miles on the truck and fuel. (He is in sales) I initially told him I didn’t think this was a good idea since we are saving to build a home. While we can technically afford it, it would take a chunk out of our savings. He told me I was right, and he would forget about it. A couple weeks later I learned that he had test drove one nearby. He told me the budget was 7-8K, and again explained how much it would save in the long run. There is a specific model he wanted and few available. He found one at a higher price point, just under 14K…lots of extras, low miles fair deal. I reluctantly agreed. The seller was a bit of a jerk and pulled the deal. Spouse was very disappointed and frustrated. I sympathized , and said that we would just keep looking and reiterated that there was no rush and need to do so. There has been another one he’s been eyeing, but it was halfway across the country, we are on the East Coast, and listed at 19K. He called the dealer about it while I was working (I didn’t know about it) to find out what their bottom dollar would be. ($18K) we both work from home so he kept asking me to look at this listing and photos. It was a VERY busy work day and I had several meetings. I was able to quickly look at the photos during a 15 minute break. I told him that I would like to look at the photos closer and discuss more after work because I just didn’t have the time to do so at that moment. He was a little irritated and said there was really nothing else to look at on the photos and that he had told the dealer he’d call them back before they closed. I apologized that I didn’t have the time until after work. A couple hours later work is done and I find him watching TV. He proceeds to tell me about a female friend of his who lives near the dealer, how he told her he’d be in the area, wanted to see if she might be around for a visit and she invited him to spend the night. (This is a childhood friend who he was in love with for years, and has always held a candle for. She is married have kids and successful. He hadn’t seen her for years though they had kept in touch occasionally. Her mom passed away last year and he attended the funeral, spent a night with a house full of family and reconnected a bit.) to say I was shocked, is an understatement. Not only had he moved ahead with the purchase of the car he had made travel plans to fly out to get it and stay with this friend. Thursday there is a TV news story being aired on our local station about us and the loss of our son a few years ago. This will most likely elicit some emotion, and I thought we would be watching it together to support one another. This is the day he has his flight scheduled. I explained the three issues that were most upsetting 1. he made the decision to purchase the car without further discussion. It was not a joint decision. 2. He made the decision to accept spending the night with a friend who’s husband will be gone.(we have had trust issues in the past.) 3. He didn’t give any thought to being gone during the time of the new story will air. His responses 1. I want the car. It’s a done deal I’ve signed the papers. 2. I had feelings for her when I was a kid there’s nothing to worry about. She’s not interested in me that way. 3. I am recording the new story so don’t watch it until I get back then we can watch it together. Then his concern was, how long are you going to be mad at me for all this? I feel that he justified and dismissed my concerns without any attempt to resolution or compromise. He thinks I’m over reacting. Feedback??
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Clearing the air with a partrner's friend
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 February 6th, 2020
...See more My husband (Mark) has a friend that he's known for a few years, Joe. (He and his wife (Sue) are our neighbors) We don't hang out on a regular basis but we help each other out now and then with chores/pet care etc and Mark and he go away on guys weekends atv/snowmobiling a few times a year. This past fall I found out that part of their "routine" on these trips is nightly outings to the strip clubs. Joe goes there early evening and stays till close at 2am every night they are there, like clockwork. (This is a long story but was an issue between Mark and I that we resolved. In a nutshell I think it is a form of cheating and the compromise was he will still continue to go on the trips with the guys but promised to go back to the hotel instead of the clubs) Sue doesn't know about Joe's outings to the clubs and there is some tension between he and Mark...that I may discuss this with Sue. Joe has made several comments to Mark about it. While I don't agree with the whole thing, I have no intention of approaching Sue to let the cat out of the bag. If she ever came to me and specifically asked me I wouldn't lie, but also wouldn't give any extra details, and I'm not going to go out of my way to start any drama. That's between her and Joe. I have told Mark this but apparently Joe still has concerns. A few weeks ago was the first time Joe and Mark have gone on this trip since I found out about the clubs and Mark excused himself from going that evening. When he explained to Joe the reasoning (our resolution) Joes response was to encourage him to go because "she'll never know". I am considering contacting Joe discretely to let him know that I have no intention of discussing the clubs with his wife, that their relationship is none of my business...but that the club is an issue between Mark and I that we have resolved...that Mark wants to continue to go on the trips, but just won't be going to the clubs. I'd like to mention that I hope he can mutually respect Mark and I's decision and not continue to encourage/convince him to go to the clubs but will still continue to invite him on the trip. I don't want to damage the friendship, but I feel like I need to clear the air a bit so we all know where we stand. Anyone have any thoughts, advice or suggestions?
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Sacrifices
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 October 18th, 2019
...See more My husband and I are having relationship issues and have been going to therapy for several months. So far we haven't made much progress. We initially seemed to make a little progress but then he left on a weeklong camping trip and we lost our momentum. Unfortunately we haven't gotten it back yet. He says he wants to work on the relationship but it doesnt seem to be a priority and he hasnt applied much effort in my opinion. In a few weeks he has a hunting trip planned. He goes every year. He drives 2 days across the country to meet with a friend and a few relatives. Initially it was going to be 10 days but he is talking about adding a couple more days. I'm concerned that time apart will not be beneficial for our relationship. Would it be wrong/selfish for me to ask him to forego the trip this year so we can spend time working on us? We are on the brink of divorce so if I asked and he refused I guess that would give a clear idea of where his priorities are. I just feel guilty because he looks forward to it every year. Shortening the trip wouldnt be feasible for him since 4 days are travel days. Thoughts?
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Trust and 2nd chances
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 August 11th, 2019
...See more A few years ago my husband and I had an issue that almost ended our marriage...in a nutshell it involved a lot of lap dances, money, & deceit. I viewed it as cheating, he disagreed and said he didn't know I saw it that way. He promised he would never go again. It took a long time to forgive and trust him again. A few days ago I found out he broke his promise and has been going fairly often and has been for at least a year. I'm devastated...I feel betrayed, disrespected, hurt and angry. I am in shock. I'm not sure how I can trust him again or how to even forgive him. He has no excuses this time that he didnt know I'd be upset about it....My head tells me I should leave, but I do love him.
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Trying to figure it all out
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 July 11th, 2019
...See more My marriage is in crisis. This is the 2nd time in 6 mos. We have some significant issues...communication, trust, honesty, resentment, emotional disconnect, etc. We were able to get to the point last time that we were going to work on communicating better and focus on each other....things were better for a month or so, then we started slipping and here we are again. One of the biggest issues is anytime I come to him with an issue that bothers me, if he doesnt agree I should be upset about it he is dismissive and tells me it's my problem and I need to figure it out. (whether it has to do with him or not) I dont expect him to always agree, but as my partner understanding and empathy go a long way. I leave the conversation feeling frustrated, and questioning if my feelings are valid. (He is great at manipulating and turning things back on me) There is no resolution. I end up feeling hurt, resentful and disconnected emotionally. Over time I find myself distancing myself from him emotionally & physically, which then pisses him off. It's a vicious cycle. I've explained numerous times, in a variety of ways. All these feelings build up and I finally get frustrated to the point that I'm ready to walk away...I feel like I have no other option. At that point he comes around and says he wants to work on things, that he will try harder etc. Crisis diverted, things are better for awhile then it starts all over again. **continued in next comment**
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Separation boundaries?
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 July 10th, 2019
...See more The last 6 mos have been especially rough in my marriage. We hit our lowest point and decided we were going to work on it...things were better for about a month, then we fell back to the old ways. We have reached crisis mode again. Many of our issues stem from core relationship values...communication, trust, etc. I know at this point our only hope to save the relationship is counceling, but he says its BS and wont help. I dont know if I can convince him to go. I plan to go by myself since I dont have anything to lose at this point. It seems separation is likely. Unless he tells me otherwise I still hold out hope he may come around. My concern is what happens during the separation...I'm thinking we should discuss some "ground rules" for that time. The biggest one for me is fidelity. (One of his buddies was recently separated and had a new partner within a couple weeks in retaliation. Now they are trying to work things out.) Seeing someone else while we are separated is a deal breaker for me. Are there other "ground rules" we should discuss? What is the best way to approach this discussion?
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How do I explain the importance of confidentiality in marriage?
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 March 14th, 2019
...See more My spouse and I are at an impass. We are working through some issues and I believe our ups and downs and details of our marriage should be kept between us and not shared with mutual friends or family. He disagrees. He says he needs to be able to vent/share with friends. I disagree because they only get one side of the story, may become biased etc. It makes future encounters awkward knowing/wondering what has been shared with them, and makes me hesitant to share with him. He told me a few weeks ago he was fine with not sharing but recently admitted he didnt agree and only said it to pacify me. So how do I get him to understand the importance of this and if he does agree...how do I trust that hes telling me the truth and means it this time?
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Involving friends during a fight
Relationship Stress / by determinedWalker5910
Last post
 January 23rd, 2019
...See more My husband and I have been having some significant issues in our marriage that have recently come to a head. He was on a snowmobile trip with a couple buddies over the weekend...left Sat pm and said he'd be home Sunday. (Typically when he has gone in the past he has come home mid afternoon on Sun) He usually texts or calls when he heads out so when I hadnt heard from him by 3 I started texting him...no replies. By 7 I was beginning to get concerned. I called our neighbor/wife of one of the guys and asked if she'd heard from them. She said yes, they were at a bar watching the games, and would be home late, prob 2-3am! (a few days prior to this he and I had agreed we were going to prioritize and focus on "us", so when he left for the trip last minute I was upset) Now finding out that he he would be back so late and more importantly that he hadnt had the consideration to call to let me know, I felt it was a slap in the face. The story is that his phone had died and wouldnt charge due to the cold. I know cell service can be spotty. I was relieved that something bad hadnt happened but hurt and pissed that he didnt contact me. He said he replied as soon as he got my messages. (he replied 5 mins after I sent him an angry text at 8 ) I believe he had issues with his phone. But the other 2 guys didnt. Service is spotty but they stopped ***to be continued in reply below, running out of characters***
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