Possible Controlling Boyfriend
My BF and I have been living together for 7 months. We didn't know each other too long before moving in. We're both divorced, no kids. I'm 50, he's 61. Recently, I've noticed traits and behaviours that indicate he could be controlling. My ex husband and I work together which he doesn't have a problem with and is friends with my ex but my ex wants nothing to do with him now due to his behaviour. If i try to discuss something that bothers me my BF will only listen for a few minutes then dismisses it or stops listening. If I push it he says he doesn't argue and if I don't drop it it results in a terrible argument which is my fault. He doesn't want me showing any emotion at all and if I do I'm told to go outside and vent to a tree. This results in venting to my friends and family. One of his issues is going to venues where my friends and ex will be. I love to dance(he does too) and many times my friends are at the same places we're at. My BF says we need to be going places where my friends aren't at. Well, that pretty much means giving up on dancing and not seeing my friends. We're all so busy we don't get to see each other much. I understand maybe he doesn't want my ex there but my BF expects me to tell my ex not to come to public venues or not to be friendly. Makes no sense to me. BUT he says he has no problem with us working together. To make matters worse, his family is very meddlesome. Found that out July 4th. Labor day was another debacle. My BF told me 1 of his brothers hits on his GF's even though he's married. Havent met him yet. Most of his family lives in New York, us in NC. Honestly, I don't want to meet people like this. I don't need the drama. My BF told my ex on labor day(when our terrible fight occurred) that he was having problems with work and family. I don't feel like being his emotional punching bag when issues outside of my control arise. We went to a festival, my BF wanted to get food and I wanted to seat our chairs. He got angry about this, my ex being there and that I wanted to dance. He said I was supposed to follow him and do what he wanted. I'm going to be on the road for the next 4 weeks or so but when I go back I'm ready to make my exit if he can't change. Right now, I don't have the money for another place to live(alot of financial balls in the air) and no one I can live with. So for now i'm stuck. My BF also aired his grievances about me to one of my friends and continued to argue when another friend approached me. Needless to say, they're backing off. It's easy to tell someone to kick their BF to the curb and go live in the woods when they're not actually doing it. I don't mind living/sleeping in my car for a month or 2 or even a few but I'd like to have a plan before I leave. Am I wrong? Is this controlling behaviour? What changes could I make to better the relationship/situation? Without giivng up my identity and being completely submissive to him because he's the man. Advice?
@sassygrrl32
that sounds like a frustrating situation.
In an effort to give you some ideas, I will try to translate some of the things you wrote. I might get it completely wrong... so be patient. It is just things to think about, and I believe that is what your asking for.
I read, your trapped financially. This sucks... figure out how to fix that. I don't know how, but for example if you have a fancy car get rid of it if that is what it takes to be financially sound and independent.
You want to continue in the relationship with your ex, at least as an interacting friend. Perhaps due to your social circle he is also in. From your BF point of view(or mine, as your BF might be ok with it) that sucks. I don't want to be forced to interact with my girls ex, and also watch him interact with her. It does bad things to my inner self. Guys and girls are different about this although sometimes guys will tell it is ok so as to go along... but it really is not deep in side.
In your view is your friends and BF on equal position to your affection. Is he competing with your friends and ex for your affection.
Are you picking a guy that your not that into, because of finances..
If your where really into the new BF then you two would just go be together some other place and have fun doing ANYTHING or nothing.
When we are really into each other, we just do and submit to each other. I believe that the man should take the lead, and the girl will respond perfectly in the case that she is very attracted to the man. I see this all the time. If the girl is not so attracted, then EVERYTHING will look controlling and awkward.
I can try answer anything you think of and follow up for sure, my idea was mostly to give some blunt ideas from what you wrote.
Good Luck, I hope this helps.
@metalwater
Thanks for the reply. I don't have a fancy car or anything like that I can sell. In fact, I have nothing I can sell. For now, all I can do is save money(if I can do that will all the car repairs I have to do, I would like to get a newer one but can't). I have a host of other financial responsiblities as well. So save until I have enough is what I can do. And staying away as much as I can. This certainly isn't the first relationship I have had problems with and I doubt it will be the last. My 1st and 2nd offline therapists said it was my dysfunctional parents fault. Who knows?
As for not being attracted to this guy that's not the case at all. We have a lot of fun together. For the most part we get along great at home. It's almost like there are 2 JC's, 1 at home that's super sweet, caring, giving, etc. then the outside one that's different. My BF told my ex husband he thought women were dumb. Now my ex is backing off and really wants nothing more to do with him and tells me this is what my BF thinks of me too. It all makes me very angry. Not just at my BF(he's never said anything like this to me) but at my ex husband too. He may think he's telling me what I need to hear but there's nothing I can do about my BF's thinking and it isn't like I don't know I need to make a plan to leave and stay away as much as I can. And I don't want to be in the middle of whatever issues my ex has with my BF. My BF has no issues with him. He invited him to go to a biker rally with him, to come to his house, do stuff together, etc. Anyway, at home he's great. With other men, he can be a sarcastic a**hole which maybe some men don't appreciate.
I work with my ex so that requires quite a bit of time to be spent with him. Socially, we are at many of the same functions. My friends are his friends. I understand your thinking of the man taking the lead but I don't want to give up being around my friends. We don't see each other except at social functions and on facebook. We all have such busy lives. It's taken months to get know the gals a little and still a number of them I know only their 1st names & others that have no desire to know me period. I'm still the odd one out and stepping out now would mean giving up what little I've accomplished. My ex husband has been the conduit to me getting to know these women. I'm friendly and outgoing but they got to know him 1st and one of the reasons people flocked around us is because we are great dancers. Anyway, I'm unwilling to give up my new friends. I don't make friends easily. And I don't think I should be expected to because my BF doesn't want to be around them/ex husband. Unfortunately, one of my BF's fave bands is where all of my friends go to. My BF expects me to tell my ex husband not to come which is ridiculous. It's a public place. My BF doesn't like to dance at other places. When we've went to see other bands/other venues he doesn't want to dance and we end up just sitting there. I don't enjoy that. Bottom line: I don't want any of this coming into our group. No one is going to take sides and they should't be expected to.
My BF met me when my ex husband and I(we remained dance partners after the split) were at a bar where one of our fave bands plays. For the first few weeks we only saw each other when this 1 band played. My BF knew going into this that my ex husband and I were friends/dance partners and that my friends and I go to the same venue and we make plans based on where friends are going to be. He knew right from the getgo what he was stepping into. It wasn't like we got together then all of a sudden all of this was thrown on him. Quite the opposite. If he knew this was going to bother him then he shouldn't have asked me out. I would've been content to dance with him and nothing else. He's been going to bars for years, he knows that women may have dance partners they aren't romantically involved with. Plus, he's danced with other women too. I don't have a problem with it. And he dances with a woman that I don't think was his ex GF(if she was he won't tell me, I think he wanted to date her, maybe, I don't know the story and he isn't sharing). This woman comes with her ex husband/friends. I don't have a problem with it. And nothing I can do if I did. She's always smiling at my BF, waving, being sweet, interacting. But I'm not going to let this woman decide that I don't come to dance to my fave band and be with friends. I won't give her that power. They're bars, live music, etc., you're going to run into exes. I'm going to continue to run into my BF at these venues after we're over. And I want it to be amicable/polite. If another man steps into the picture both my ex husband and ex BF will be there. Maybe a few exes. They're going to have to be mature.
The best option would be to send them both packing on dance night and my friends and I go out while they go do whatever they want which would probably be drinking beer and hanging out.
I know there may be other stuff I wanted to address but that's about the jist of it. It is a frustrating situation, personally, emotionally and financially. My BF takes meds for depression and anxiety. I can't make him do anything. I've signed up for online therapy because before I always had a hard time keeping appts with work. I'm hoping this will give me some needed guidance.
