Rebound Relationship Advice Please?
Hey guys, I just wanted to advice on this situation I have with this girl I met over a year ago in my class. She and I got along pretty well, but I didn't know that she was in a relationship at the time. Apparently she was having trouble in her current relationship and started going out with me at the time. I find out a week or 2 later that she was in this relationship and just broke up with him. She initiated the kiss, and things moved forward from there. She was always talking to me, hanging out with me, and spending time after class with me. I thought this was perfect. Too bad I didn't know what a rebound relationship really was at the time. Fast forward to the start of 2020, and she's acting distant in class. She doesn't talk to me as much anymore in there or joke around like we did in the fall semester. People already think we're going out at this point, so I asked her what exactly we were, she said she didn't know, so I stayed around. Things got weirder, because she seemed hesitant to kiss one day, so I started feeling suspicious and felt anxiety creeping up on me. This wasn't good for my mental health, and I start imagining all the stuff she could be doing behind my back (I got cheated on twice in a row before this). Quarantine rolls around, then I feel even more distant to her. One of my friends tells me to clarify what we are again. I've asked around 2-3 times already months before this, but she usually dismissed it and I didn't want to seem persistent, so I stopped asking. This time, I was getting to the tipping point, so I asked. She said she only thought of me as a friend and "wasn't looking for a relationship". I felt hurt because it didn't seem like that when we were doing all that stuff. I probably coped with it the worst way possible and agreed to be friends with her, because she didn't want to throw away what we had. In my head, I felt like it'd be a waste too, but I was also worrying about how she'd feel instead of how I felt. I still feel like she doesn't feel remorse for what she did, but over the summer, she didn't help my mental health at all by mentioning all these crushes she would get. I'd feel insecure and jealous about that and end up being passive aggressive about her comments. I don't know if she did it on purpose or not, but her one comment about this one tok we watched a while ago, where this girl broke up with the guy in a cruel way stuck with me. She said she felt bad for him, but agreed with how she went about breaking his heart, saying it was like ripping off a bandaid and he'll get over it quicker. I couldn't get over my feelings for her until recently, when she started doing suspicious things like hanging out with a new guy I've never heard of before, who according to her is an old friend from school. She got invited to volleyball with him and his friends, then went out to a cafe at night with him and one of his friends all dressed up. She says it was nothing, but I highly doubt it. If she had the guts to go out with me while she was in a relationship, then I feel like she probably did something similar with her ex. My feelings for her turned into feelings of resent and hatred. My feelings of jealousy were way more apparent too, and I know it's unhealthy, but she lead my feelings on for a while, and I hate to admit it, still felt attached. Today we went back to class for the first time since quarantine, and she was distant during class. She didn't talk to me at all, and just felt distant. I confronted her asking if she didn't want to talk to me or just didn't want other people to see her talking to me, since it feels like that's what she's been doing since the last semester. She got pissed off and started going off. I apologized for my comment, but she still kept going. After some thinking, I feel like she doesn't have a right to be angry when she put me through all that pain and expects me to move on just like that. She brought up an unrelated point of her not getting in my business when I started talking to another girl in class. She said something along the lines of her not feeling anything about that, and I shouldn't feel anything with her talking to her "friends". I feel like it's unrelated because why would she feel anything about me talking to a girl when she's the one who broke it off with me in the first place... Of course she's not going to feel jealous or anything. My feelings of love for her turned to resentment and hatred, and now I'm so close to just feeling nothing. I just want to move on and get rid of all lingering feelings for her, but I'm stuck with her in my class, and I don't know how to go about moving on. I had lingering worries about just cutting all ties, but now I feel closer to cutting ties. I just wanted to make this thread to vent about my frustrations and get any advice anyone could give.
TLDR: This girl used me as a rebound, I caught feelings, she kissed me first and started going on dates with me, she got distant, I felt insecure about the way she was acting different, I confronted her about our status, then she said we weren't anything and wanted to remain friends. I agreed, not wanting to hurt her feelings and wanting to hold onto a shred of what we had. Things got worse as she started talking about her crushes and hanging out with a guy I never heard of before (Someone she hasn't talked to since like high school or something) playing volleyball with him, going to a cafe, etc. My anxiety and insecurities (from my previous 2 relationships where I got cheated on) grew and I felt like she didn't care about me anymore and was just lying. I ended up seeing her acting distant in class again and confronted her about that. She got pissed, even after my multiple apologies, and we haven't texted or talked at all for the rest of the day. My feelings for her turned to resentment, and now I'm just trying to find advice to move on, but don't know how, considering she's in my class and we have stuff like group projects where I can't choose my partner.
P.S.: All of these failed relationships just make me feel even worse and make me think I'll never find anyone. They make me feel bitter about relationships and I feel jealous seeing people that are extremely happy with their SO all the time. It makes me wonder what the point in trying is sometimes.
@Rixazn
Based on your TLDR only
Here are some idea that might be useful in general depending on how much time you want to invest. If you are busy in school, PERHAPS the best thing to do is minimize the effort and angst and mentally move on. But if you have the time and interest then the list below might apply.
#1 PERHAPS consider your situation as an opportunity to learn. That mindset reframes the entire situation. Use the situation to experiment and learn the things below.
#2 PERHAPS Learn how to process a breakup in general like with journaling. Most people want to know reasons why. But without deep thinking, the questions go unanswered. Figure out what lessons you learned and why things happened in retrospect. Forgive yourself for mistakes. Use kindsight (looking back and forward about your life in a kind way about yourself).
Here are some example web resources for doing that, but I'm not saying they were meant for you. Their just examples of things to look for on the web if you think it's worth it.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/10-journal-prompts-to-hel_b_6508122
https://op-talk.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/16/the-best-way-to-get-over-a-breakup/
#3 PERHAPS Learn from your past relationship patterns too with journalling.
#4 PERHAPS Learn to set boundaries in your current situation like here
https://www.google.com/search?q=HOW+TO+SET+BOUNDARIES+AFTER+DATING+BREAK-UP
videos - preview directly on this page by click speaker x button: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=HOW+TO+SET+BOUNDARIES+AFTER+DATING+BREAK-UP&FORM=HDRSC3
Or google whatever you think is most relevant.
But the main thing is to avoid being obsessed about the situation and avoid ruminating.
Please forgive any typos above.
@7motivation Thank you. I try to get my mind off of these things, but the way I think ends up obssessing over minor details, and just spirals out of control. The stress of school on top of that doesn't help me at all. I have not been able to talk to my friends or do any of my hobbies in a while either, due to my parents pushing me to finish school and not get distracted by them. If I could, I would be at the gym sweating away my anxiety and depression, but I haven't been able to go at all since the quarantine started. I do not have a membership anymore because it was cancelled over the quarantine, and I have other stresses piling on top, such as the fact I might be losing my job to covid soon and don't have much money left, especially since I've had to give away and call out for my shifts to concentrate on school, and the fact that I'm so close to failing this semester and can't go back and redo it if I do. If I fail nursing school, they'll have me redo it from the 1st semester again after a year of not doing anything. My life feels like a mess right now, but I will look at the links you sent me and try journalling like you said, especially since I do not have any other outlets right now. Thank you again
@Rixazn
Here are some ideas that may or may not apply to your situation. It's up to you to decide.
You're parents are right. Don't get distracted. If distraction comes up, PERHAPS write it down but decide to not do it now. That can ease the mind because it's written down so you can let it go mentally and get back to school work.
PERHAPS journaling does not have to be long. Just write down a few words. But avoid journaling as much as possible if you need to do school work because you need to think just about school, not open other anxiety areas by journaling. If anxiety comes to mind, just write down a few words if that helps you forget about it and get back to school work.
Regarding gym, PERHAPS one can do all exercise needed where one lives as shown in resources below. You can look and find one or two that might help relieve stress, but don't try to see them all. Just be satisfied when you have found a solution that works for the moment.
I posted a lot of new threads in Healthy Living Support that are all self-care (top of which are good exercise & stretching, sleep, and eating)
Here are some links you could try if interested. School work should be top priority. But PERHAPS look at only one short exercise video and do it only when needed. As soon as you find one that works for you, stop searching for others unless absolutely needed..
My favorite is standing Tai Chi stretching and breathing. I do it for self-care before bed to totally relax. It's very easy to learn the moves. You can do them without the video. It works very quickly to relax one because of the movements, breathing, and mental imagery from the names of the moves. I never would have guessed it works so well. Now I know.
MOST RELAXING TAI CHI STRETCHING & RELAXED BREATHING VIDEO
standing version here
seated version here
See explanation about Tai Chi stretching at bottom of this reply here down below.
FUN INDOOR WALKING WORKOUT - FEELS GREAT & 100% FUN
ULTIMATE PLAYLIST to TURN IDLE TIME into BODY TONING TIME!! - FAST! 1 MINUTE EACH!
MOST FUN EVER KIDS YOGA & STORY TIME - STAR WARS... THE FORCE AWAKENS!!!
I LOVE DOING THIS STORY TIME YOGA
BEST EXERCISE & STRETCHING VIDEOS ALL IN ONE THREAD!!!
MOST FUN EVER EXERCISE - IT'S A GAME YOU CAN PLAY RIGHT NOW!!!
SLEEP WELL PLAYLIST - TOP TIPS - FROM EXTENSIVE RESEARCH AND EXPERIENCE
Those Tai Chi stretching & breathing moves videos are the very best I've ever seen.
I like to do them before bed with my eye's closed from memory.
I also like her voice and the music.
And I like how the moves all have names and the relaxing imagery that creates.
I think a lot of the relaxing sensations come from the blood flow shifting as one raises and lowers the arms and does the breathing.
I don't really pay attention to the Chi idea.
But I do imagine gathering up and releasing all my stress so it leaves my body.
She demonstrates the moves so well.
Her movements show how to do it an really become relaxed.
All of those kind of moves make the body naturally relax, like when you tilt your head far back.
All one needs to do is copy the fluidity shown and breathe at the right times for maximum benefit.
It's better than any other stretching & breathing routine I've ever seen.
Here are some of the move names. I like the relaxing mental imagery they create.
Calm the water (make a circle).
Push and pull the water.
Roll the drum over the hill or mountain.
Circle the globe (ball of Chi).
Cloud hands.
Bird wings.
Rise and fall hands.
Gather up the energy and push back down.
It's all very relaxing and flows so nicely with the breathing.
Please forgive any typos above.
@Rixazn
I meant to mention, when I was in school, I always did homework and studying for a certain time or until I needed a break. Then I took a healthy break for a short time (like on a schedule).
By healthy I mean, get sunshine... fresh air... short exercise... take a very short walk... do something fun for short while (away from screens or reading or eyestress.. like a hobby... or make a meal and eat it... anything healthy... make a routine of it... and look forward to it as a reward... for doing the school stuff... and make a game of doing school work and getting reward for finishind part of it by taking healthy break (gamifying).
Please forgive any typos above.
@Rixazn
Also, it helps to regulary be grateful for the things in life one has and that makes one feel better regularly then and helps one keep things in perspective. If necessary, when thinking bad things, one could stop and say but I am grateful for ______. It helps change bad mental habits of ruminating.
