Relationship struggles

Hi I’m a 20 year old woman, if anyone wants to be friends or acquaintances , first of all. Anyone can message me, I’m here to listen if you need it, and although I can’t seem to take my own advice I feel like I’m not that bad at giving it. I’m in the most toxic relationship, and I have a lot to rant about. You don’t have to necessarily give solutions, it would just be nice to know someone is listening. Also friends make it easier to leave toxic relationships. I could make this long story short hit I feel like I’m going to get a lot of questions so, I’ll try to be detailed so maybe you can take a peak into my daily life. TW: Sexual and Physical abuse The relationship I’m in right now is only my second serious one, and the first one was just as toxic. So when we first started dating we just jumped right into it, he wanted to be with me and he barely knew me. I had met him on app called discord, he wanted to date and we never met and it was only our third day of talking. Big big big red flag right? But I wasn’t worried, I wasn’t planning to take it serious. A week into our relationship and he called me out my name, twice. I was so ready to leave but he used to beg me to stay, I would break up with him almost everyday for the next two or three months and in that time frame I did slowly fall for him. I’m a very emotional person and I don’t forget anything that’s said to me, when you hurt my feelings I hold on to that feeling (not on purpose) which is why I was acting that way. I used to hang up in his face when he went quiet on the phone, he wanted to be on the phone 24/7 and I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to get attached to him. I didn’t want to become dependent. I used to decline his calls when I’m in public because I don’t like people listening to my conversations and he would assume I’m cheating. Im a super emotional person so I would try to keep my emotions pretty controlled and not come off as “soft” or weak. At this point I did love him but he was already toxic and I didn’t want to be hurt further. Meanwhile he apologized frequently for calling me out my name within the first week of dating, He expressed to me my actions made him feel like I don’t love him and he wants me to change if I was to save the relationship. I started to feel bad because I was holding a grudge over what he did even though he continued to behave toxic after that one situation ( just wasn’t as serious). I started to change for the better and I let go of the past and treated him better: This all seems minor, I know. That’s how I thought of it anyways, this was something easy to get past. After about three months we met in person for the first time, and we told each other whatever happened before we linked up in person doesn’t matter. I was also now taking the relationship completely serious. I was no longer breaking up with him or anything. But as soon as that happened, the gaslighting started. He started doing to me, exactly what he begged me not to do to him, and then he went 20 extra miles and did horrible things. So, things are going to start getting a little more serious. S*x is very very very very important to me. My body is a temple, I believe when you invite someone into your body you’re inviting their energy into you. I used to take pride in knowing that in a world run by S*x my body was still untouched even though I was an adult. This is the reason that up until this relationship I was a virgin, no matter how many relationships I had prior to this man. Our first ever argument, I expressed to him the importance of safe s*x and he got mad at me because I told him I would never want to go do it without a condom. That started an argument. I asked him if he was a virgin and the answer to that question was very important to me. I do believe in the term of “ran through” just because I don’t like the idea of you having s*x with someone who has bad energy and then passing it to me or being easily accessible. Having sex with multiple ppl isn’t a bad thing but the average man does not want a woman with many bodies and if a man can expect these things from women I should be able to do the same, especially when men are known to only care about women’s bodies. but that’s not the reason I asked. I ask every partner I have because if they are not a virgin I want them to get an STD test because you never know. You could have an STD and not even know it, and if I wasn’t a virgin I would have got a test with my partner, we could go get one together. But I was a virgin so there was no need. He told me many times he was a virgin and that turned out to be a lie. He lied to me and claimed it was a joke. A joke that went on for 9 months. It’s scary to know that he could have had something like HIV and I would have never known because I thought he was a virgin. But I told him how important my body was and I told him I’m not ready. I told him I don’t want to do it yet many times. And I told him how I wanted to lose my virginity, I wanted it to be special. Basically he got me to have s*x with him by using the world please over and over and saying he just wants to put the “tip in”. and I wasn’t turned on. Not saying I didn’t choose to do it with him, just letting you know how it played out. I’ve been told I got raped because I said no multiple times and I didn’t actually consent, and I had to be convinced. But I don’t want to claim anyone is a rapist and ruin their life. Fast forward two months after this and I find out he cheated on me with his ex gf. But he keeps telling me it’s not cheating because he never met her in real before and he was just trolling/ leading her on because she cheated on him in the past and it’s funny. I never let it go and was still hurt, I brought it up constantly but I eventually forgave him for the most part, he somehow convinced me it wasn’t cheating and he was just joking, or the words he used is “Trolling”. Oh and that whole time I was trying to heal from that situation he kept telling me I can be single and I need to hurry up and get over it, then eveytime I broke up with him he tried to guilt trip me into staying. The breakups never lasted and our longest one was three days. Well he ended up going to the military and we “broke up” but he basically didn’t want me messing with any men while he was gone. I sent him letters while he was at basic training and I remained loyal even though technically I was single. He had his mom call me while he was there and all that stuff and things were okay. He came back home two months later and again was trying to mess with me and telling me he lives me. It was about three days since he came home and I found out he was still flirting and fw the online ex he told me he cut off. So I screen shotted the evidence and told him I’m leaving him, and he blew up my phone like usual. He basically “poured his heart out” to me and explained how he wants to be Muslim because he relates to it more than Christianity, and how Muslim men have more than one wife, and he wants to do polygamy with me and his ex. This isn’t the first time I had heard about this. When we first met he told me he was finding himself in religion and he now considered himself Muslim but he didn’t know how to go about practicing. He also asked me if I would be interested in polygamy and I told him no, and he told me that was fine and it was just something he wanted tot ty, it was never something he needed or cared about. I used to ask him if being Muslim is just an excuse to have two girlfriends and he told me no. So now he’s telling me he’s in love with both of us, and he wants us to be in a three way relationship and he’s begging me to try and claiming he doesn’t want to lose me. I actually met his ex when we first started dating and he claimed she was just his friend, but we had a falling out when I found he was texting her sexually or as he claimed “trolling” her. I basically agreed to the three way because I was starting to emotionally check myself out of the relationship and I thought I had nothing to lose at that point. I knew I would never want to share my man and I told him that many times but I did end up liking her. Another big problem is that I’m also not gay tho, I’m bicurious, but I don’t ever see myself being attracted sexually to women. Even if I was gay I would want my woman to myself. Still would not want to share her. But we all became a trio and they were basically my source of comfort and I spent my time with them 24/7. Both of us women were only there for him tho because she definitely wasn’t gay or into polygamy either. But there was a lot of arguing within the group and I broke up with them multiple times. I continued to be gaslit, and treated like garbage. Except when there was Ana rhyme reason between him and one girl, he would ignore that girl and go to talk to the other one. He kept telling me that whole time to get over him cheating on me. It took him months to admit he actually cheated on me whether he was “trolling” or not. I was tested so bad. It was our one year anniversary and he went to go hang with homies. When I used to come over to his house I’d have to stay on the phone with the girl while we did our thing cuz he didn’t know her in real life. He used to hit me and say he was being sexual or kinky but when it hurt I’d ask him to stop and he would continue or I’m going to hit him back. I would tell him I’m serious. And just like when I tell him I’m serious about not wanting to have s*d he would say “I’m serious too” and still out his hands on me. Then when I hit him back he would pin me down on the floor for hours until I cried and almost passed out. He told me it’s not abuse and it’s just retraining someone. Today I learned he’s been talking about me in group chats with homies. Well his homies talk about me and he just laughs at what they say or doesn’t defend me. It’s just weird asf, so I ended up breaking up with him like 2 hours ago. I just feel so bad for him because his mother steals his money and gaslights him, she’s a narcissist and a hypocrite and an ex addict. All her friends around her enable her behavior and their also ex addicts and she talks shit about him to them. It makes it hard to leave sometimes the way he preaches about having nobody and everyone always leaving but he self sabotages himself and it’s killing me staying. Thanks for listening to my rant tho have a nice day