Repairing a relationship after partner’s infidelity and sexual abuse experiences
I (female) have been with my partner (male) for over 8 years and I found out 3 months ago that he had been unfaithful with one of my best friends (also male). I knew for over a year that my boyfriend was curious about sexual experiences from his back side but we were exploring those sexual experiences together. This friend of ours is gay and grew up with the both of us so we were very close friends. My boyfriend told me that when he confided in the friend a year ago (around the time that my boyfriend lost both his mom and grandmother) about his curiosity the friend was very happy and wanted to immediately try things with him to “explore” and despite my boyfriends constant refusal the friend would tell him things like “you can’t marry her until you know” and “she will never accept you”. The friend would also harass my boyfriend and touch him many times all of which was unwanted. My boyfriend was manipulated by this friend into trying things out with him and he would often tell my boyfriend things like “we need to try (blank) for you to know” and “this isn’t cheating this is exploring” and all the while would threaten my boyfriend with my possibly leaving him. Things between them did escalate sexually and my boyfriend said he did not like the things that happened and that he kept telling the friend that he did not think he was gay anymore because he didn’t like the experiences but the friend kept pushing to try new things, again all the while using me as an excuse for why my boyfriend had to be 100% sure he wasn’t gay. My boyfriend told me about the experiences in tears. We have cut all communication with this other guy and are working through repairing our relationship.
Things have been better lately but I still have trust issues since my boyfriend was led to distrust me and betrayed my trust to then do sexual experiences with this other person. How can I begin to trust him more? How to I talk to him without triggering trauma from this sexual abuse he experienced?
@CloudySkies536
Thank you so much for openly sharing. It sounds as if you're making great progress. Listen carefully, don't push, and let him come to you. Make sure he knows that you're open to hear him, and talk about your needs to comfort you, instead of fears with him. Those are my thoughts.
I believe in you, and again I say you are doing well. You're also not alone here. Whenever you want to worry - someone here will talk to you. You're safe here. I'm glad that you're with us.
Jeff
