So lost.

@Lilwal

Been married 17 years, together an additional 2-3 years. Have three kids 16 14 12. I am nearly 40 and wife has turned 40. Never had any major fights in our entire marriage, then 3 months ago my wife just turned off sex. It is her right her body etc, but I am someone who needs affection, and this was really the only affection I received. She has never been a cuddles person,(maybe it's time to introduce a few cuddles? Since she's turned off sex there might be the need to find alternative ways as a couple to physically communicate love and affection until you're both able to understand what has changed in the sex department) so my only intimate physical touch was sex. I am having allot of trouble with this and if I start to talk about it it turns to a fight, which we both hate. Every night the rejection s kick in even with out me asking, she will randomly turns to cat, kids whatever is around and repeated make sure I know she is tired, or shattered, or sick (what kind of sick?) every night. Them on the night when there is no pre excuse, I try in bed and still get told no, but never a reassuring no, just a go away. (so this is her rejecting the sex but not rejecting you.) I have bent over backwards for my wife, flowers gifts, massages, cooking, dishes etc, and she is stay at home mum and I am the one out all day yet still doing more around house. The nicer I treat her the worse it feels. I use to get angry, but now at the stage I thin I am past angry and just given up. I sleep on the couch now (this may be the wrong message you're sending. It says that you don't value affection or intimacy unless sex is involved. If she rejected sex you equate that to creating this physical distance) just to avoid the hurt, but then every morning, everything seems.ok again, she kisses me goodbye, kisses me (Is it possible to make the kisses mean more? Become hugs or general communications of care/love/affection? )when I get home, have a good chat. I am really just lost, lonely, and I think a bit depressed. (understandable, the change in her ability to physically connect will take some time/effort to find a way around) I really think I needed to rant so thanyou for listening It may not all make senses as my mind is running so fast ATM.

@Lilwal

It really sound like something has occured with her that has caused this shift in behavior. She could be going through menapus or she may be currently uncomfortable with her body and sexuality. It's hard to say. I can only go by what you wrote. However, I can tell you that it is most likely not your fault. Women usually withdraw from sex because they are struggling internally with something, especially in concern to intimacy. My wife withdrew from me on several occasions as well. One time it was because she felt dirty or indescent because we weren't married yet. Another time, she was experiencing PTSD of sorts and remembering past undesirable sexual experiences. Yet another time, she was unstatisfied with her body and felt unattractive (despite the fact that I was as attracted to her as ever). A lot of things go in both women's heads and bodies that affect their limpido.

My best recommendation is that you stay patient and try to be as understanding as possible. Try to understand what she is going throug. At the same time, you have to try to help her understand what you are going through. If you are depressed man, she needs to know. Unfortunately, this means confronting her and having a very blunt conversation about this issue. I know it leads to fighting (it did with my wife too) but I think it is more important to try to resolve this issue and figure something out than it is to avoid fighting. My wife and I hate fighting but there are sometimes when we both admit we are glad we did.

That's the best advice I can give you. I really hope you two can figure this out. Best wishes.

@Lilwal

@Lilwal

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Been married 17 years, together an additional 2-3 years. Have three kids 16 14 12. I am nearly 40 and wife has turned 40. Never had any major fights in our entire marriage, (This is usually a sign that one of both sides kepts things hidden from the other which may have lead to issues accumulating and then they became unresolve. This could lead to one or both sides backing away or checking out of the relationship even if the marriage is still going on) then 3 months ago my wife just turned off sex. (This is an indication theres something on her mind, she isn't feeling the connection, there may have been not enough dates and theres a chance you may have stop doing the things you did when you first met her. Its very important to take her out on a dates and slowly get her open up before things get worst) It is her right her body etc, but I am someone who needs affection, and this was really the only affection I received. (I understand everything you are saying, this is part of your needs so i see the way you feel. I would like to say that theres also a chance you could be relying on her to feel loved and possibly projecting some unmet needs on her) She has never been a cuddles person, so my only intimate physical touch was sex. I am having allot of trouble with this and if I start to talk about it it turns to a fight, (This means there could be one side thats expressing feelings and emotions while the other person is becoming defensive and shutting down which leads to arguments. From the sounds of it is a communication and past trauma triggers going on here which is harming the relationship) which we both hate. Every night the rejection s kick in even with out me asking, (One thing I would like to mention here is that you could be right, but also this is part of hypervigilence where you are looking for every sign she could be rejecting or leaving you) she will randomly turns to cat, kids whatever is around and repeated make sure I know she is tired, or shattered, or sick every night. (The part i meant you were right is here because it seems like she isn't being emotionally present with you, so this will make you feel disconnected from her and then is where she will often get defensive. There's no safety in this marriage, and is where one side stopped investing) Them on the night when there is no pre excuse, I try in bed and still get told no, (Part of the problem here is that you may be coming on strong, expecting her to be ready to have intimacy with you. Women don't operate this way, and at this moment she doesn't feel safe. I understand she is not meeting your needs, but you have to keep in check those feelings of anxiety and this overwhelming need to connect) but never a reassuring no, just a go away. (She is being rude and disrespectful here...)I have bent over backwards for my wife, flowers gifts, massages, cooking, dishes etc, (This is definetly going to make her lose respect for you and then she will be even less interested in intimacy. You are rewarding her lack of effort and manners which gifts and love, so she will take you for granted each time. You are also investing heavily on a woman who is not investing at all. Your way of love is to please others on order to gain love, but in most cases this will backfire) and she is stay at home mum (She will feel resentment at some point. This woman is investing nothing at this point...)and I am the one out all day yet still doing more around house. (She is being inconsiderate, rude, and ungrateful to you by doing nothing around the house or you) The nicer I treat her the worse it feels. (This is essentially a manipulation, it comes across like this "Ill treat you nicely and handle your bad behavior on order to gain your love", however this makes her behave worst. I dont see you have put boundaries, communicating your needs on an open way or the kind of relationship you want to have, so this makes her disrespect you. All she is doing is taking and taking while you are losing yourself and gaining nothing from her) I use to get angry, but now at the stage I thin I am past angry and just given up. (I don't blame you for giving up, this woman has a bad and inflexible behavior) I sleep on the couch now just to avoid the hurt, but then every morning, everything seems.ok again, she kisses me goodbye, kisses me when I get home, have a good chat. (She is being inconsistent and rude. You might have to think if this marriage is good for you because she is doing zero investing, not showing you respect and keeps taking and taking)) I am really just lost, lonely, and I think a bit depressed. I really think I needed to rant so thanyou for listening It may not all make senses as my mind is running so fast ATM.