Supporting a Partner/ Internal Issues

I apologise in advance but this is going to be very long loool Theres alot to get off my chest.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. We met at work, he’s a single father. He raises his son single handedly. He’s very attentive and supportive of me, always has been but more so when we’re only alone together. When we’re apart - outside of work hours and weekends there isn’t alot of communication on his behalf and if there is its very limited.

I understand that he has his kid and he’s busy and I’m not the most patient person. I’m trying, I really am. Though this feeling of being put to the side and not considered a priority has slowly developed over the past 3 months - not only due to his communication outside of the work hours and when we’re alone. But many events have happened where we were supposed to spend time together and things fell through or he put someone else (not his child) before me. So over time, I’ve felt less and less of a priority for him. Though he’s told me that I’m number 2 of his list of priorities - his child being first which I completely agree with his child being first. I wouldn’t ever want someone to put me before their kid. But it doesn't feel like I’m number 2 when we’re apart or when we have plans

I want to say this feeling has started to develop around 3 months ago, now, I’m a gamer and I’m online ALOT and I’ve grown up online and watching things with friends, playing games etc. And on many occasions I’ve said to my boyfriend (who isn’t someone who is online alot but also games - he’s a console gamer) that we should watch a show together, or play a game or facetime - just little things that we could do to spend time together. But its never ever happened and he has never asked to do anything with me. He’s never asked me to come and visit him. Or reciprocated any of my efforts to do an activity or to spend time with me outside of work. And I’ve gotten tired of asking because it feels like at this point like I’m burdening him and I’m begging him to spend time with me.

For the past 6 weeks, we’ve basically been in a long distance relationship. I have barely been able to see him, he lost his aunt which cut deeply for him - I didn’t know she had passed away until I had asked him what he was up to through text and he told me he was going to her funeral. That hurt. It felt like he couldnt come to me and tell me about that, he explained to me that the reason why he never said anything because it’s hurt him alot especially as be was close to his aunt - which I understand. So I put all the emotions to the side and focused on him and tried to support him as much as I could - over text because I couldnt see him. And his communication wasn’t the best. Then a few days before we were meant to see each other his son got covid (this man can’t catch a break) so that time of us supposed to spend together didn’t happen and again, it sucked because I was looking forward to that day out of weeks of not seeing him and I knew that I wouldnt see him again for another 4 weeks. But alas, it couldnt be helped and I tried being patient and understanding.

Although I was trying, it was hard because I had the feelings of being a burden to him prior to all of this, hardly receiving any communication unless I reached out, no reciprocation of him trying to spend time with me (again before the 6 weeks of us being in a LDR), but also the worry of him not feeling like he could talk to me about things. And looking back now, I was trying to support him and distract him (which is what he said he needed - distraction and normality) but during that time I had all those feelings pent up with no release.

I like and need to communicate with him about feelings and thoughts and I know its not always easy for people to do that but I sincerely believe its what makes a relationship healthy and work. And the longer it pent up - the more stressed and upset I get.

So one morning we had a conversation and I told him some of what I was feeling, not everything because I didn’t want to make it all about me and how I was feeling. I don’t want to be a selfish person in that aspect. I told him a about the lack of communication between us and hardly hearing from him and when I did it would hours between replies and short worded replies via text which was our main way of communicating through those 6 weeks. Anyway, he apologised and explained that things were tough (which I knew already) and he doesn’t/didn’t know how to tell me about his aunt because he was in denial about it.

Things got a little better after that - say a week? Then it started going back to how it was again. Delays, short replies, no reciprocation of my attempts to spend time with him. I tried to stay and be as normal as I possibly could kept the conversations engaging as much as I could.

But my emotions won over it was wrong of me I know but the feelings that I had pushed aside just set in even more, feeling like I wasn’t someone important, the lack of effort on his part (this wasnt something that started from the 6 weeks of us being in an LDR) . Shortly after that there were some family issues that came up with me, anxiety over other things in my life (work and learning how to drive) and my engaging behaviour went down hill. And he noticed it but he never bothered to ask if i was okay or if i wanted to talk. He ignored it completely and in that instance all I wanted was a little bit of support or just “Are you okay?” But it wasnt there and I understand he was probably caught up in his own grief.

A few days ago was the first time that we saw each other and we were both offish with each other. I wasnt angry at him but he spent the entire day with his friend and never bothered to approach me. I already had some anxiety about being back at work after awhile and I understood that he hadnt seen his work friend in awhile so he probably wanted to chill and chat with him so I left him alone. But during the day, I was sitting alone and I messaged him asking “What are we” and he responded with “You tell me” which is a frequent occurrence for him to do whenever I ask him something about setting up plans for us, he always has me make the final decisions or when it comes to our relationship its always me who has the final say and I dislike it because it should be a mutual agreement not down to one person. - Anyway, I asked if we could talk and he responded with okay and I asked when could we talk. He again said “You tell me” So again, that upset me and I started to get annoyed because I know he is the one who is more busy than me and I broke things off with him there and then. I was tired of the lack of initiative, the lack of effort. And i know a fault or toxic trait of mine is when things get tough relationship wise - I leave. Especially because I get in the mindset of “I havent had this kind of struggle in years, why now?” I love this man, truly and deeply. But I can’t handle the lack of communication, and I know I’m at fault for ending things with him instead of pushing on to have that conversation but if I don’t try theres no communication whatsoever, because it’s extremely lacking on his part.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, we’re back together now and we spoke about things between and the communication issues. But now I feel guilt for bringing things up and being the way that I was. I feel like I should have been more understanding of his situation - even though I tried, I didn’t try hard enough. I’m trying to be more patient and more understanding of what he’s going through grief wise. But the other things that I’m feeling - are still there. And I don’t know what to do, he knows how I feel. But now at this point, I can tell he’s trying his best with his communication given the circumstances. He’s assured me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

But it feels like theres a strain on this relationship. And I don’t know what to do..