Things I wish I could tell you..

Mom and Dad, I'm not okay I never was okay you two put me through hell its hard for a kid to never know what I was supposed to learn instead I got used to saying goodbye so stop acting like my depression and everything is all my fault its not and I'm sorry I am an inconvenience to you by needing to talk to a complete stranger about my problems to feel better

Mom, I don't get why you always tell me to get a grip when you can't even control your own life. You act like I'm not allowed to cry and you keep me from the only thing that makes me happy. "Dad", you're a fu.cking cu.nt and I hate you with everything I have in me. What you did to me is unforgivable and I hope you have yourself for it. Jack, thank you for being my only friend. I needed one, but now when I need one most, you left. You were the most important thing to me, but you're just like them. Everyone, I'm sorry I was never good enough. They asked me when they sent me to the mental hospital if I regretted trying to kill myself..now I can finally say that the only thing I regret is not succeeding.

Whit, I can't begin to express how much I love you. Although I am unhappy and continue to struggle with things you wouldn't understand, you're always there. I wish you knew how often I think if you when it's 3 am on a Tuesday night, or when I'm in my loneliest moments. I wish you knew that I think the world of you. Stop criticizing yourself. You're absolutely lovely, and I pray that you'll never have to experience what I experience everyday. I hope to spend a future with you. I love you so much more than you could fathom.

I am sorry..i am so sorry.. I am afraid to burden anyone.. I am sorry..i just hate myself.. Once again,i want to isolate myself. But yet i know i should not..the guilt hurts too much..

Mother, why did you never tell me that my current dad is actually my step dad..? I found out throughFacebook.. From my real dad. I know it's him, he has proof.. And I saw your hesitation atinterview where the interviewer asked "who Is your daughter's birth dad?". Is that why you didn't answer and refused to speak just one name in front of me? Just so I wouldn't find out? I understand why you aren't telling me..and hiding it from me. But I'm already hurt. It's because you and Dad hurt me, and treat me like trash. I've noticed it, how you guys are so kind to my younger siblings but when it comes to me... .. It seems like you guys hate me, secretly wishing that I was never born because I'm a burden.​I just want to be at peace with you guys. I am thankful to God for giving me a home, food to eat, people to call family, and to have an education. I hope one day we can be happy.

If by any chance of good karma happening my way, let it be known that I do not feel comfortable about how things happened between us. I want us to make peace or at least find some closure between us.

I want us to both take a moment to realize we were both really immature. I was going through some things, and I know you were too.

I did feel bad about how others treated you, but the thing I failed to confess to you was that the same happened to me.

I felt too ashamed and embarrassed to really be your friend, because I wanted to fit in as much asyou did. Putting my immaturity aside was not something I was willing to compromise at that moment.

What I didn't want to risk was putting my genuine sincerity on the table for you to reject as well. So I put up a front that I was better than you, more confident than you, etc.

This was wrong. At the same time, there were things I didn't appreciate about your character as well. I'm not going to go into detail about it, because I'm pretty sure you're very aware of your own mistakes too.

After some time passed, I still thought of you. I didn't feel right inside. I guess I needed closure. My first attempt in making peace didn't go as I hoped. I felt discouraged and really angry that your emotions got the better of you. Youunleashed all the past regrets and frustrating moments back at me for (I suppose)your own revenge.

I tried to let it go. I moved on and I believe you did too. At the same time, I felt empty. I felt alone. I soon realized that I was alone. I was alone for multiple reasons. I'm an introvert and extrovert. I sometimes choose to distance myself, or I'll behave in a way to force people to distance themselves from me. At other times, I live to be the life of the "party." In the end, I'm still alone. I have no one to turn to when I need help. I alsodon't want to ask for help, because I always want to stay strong and give the impression I can do everything by myself.

I don't want to let others see that I can't handle something on my own. I think out of all the people I've met in my life so far, you are the only one that I'm truly sorry about. I think if only I was able to take the higher road, and actually help you out in more meaningful ways, that we would still be as is.

Now, there's no one to help you, and there's no one to help me. I am aware of your current situation, and I think it is devastating. It's a lot to handle. I can't even imagine.

I can only wish that your horizons look brighter in the near future. I can only hope that we may be able to come and sit across from one another one day to hold a mature conversation, and be able to speak our minds without anger. Being angry issomething I'm learning to control better. It's challenging. I try everyday.

I can only hope when you are in need of a real friend, I can be there for you and you can be there for me. I care about you, and I love you. If no one tells you so, remember that I still do. Always.

I don't know what made you do this or why you decided that giving me space was too much of a burden for you. You called my request childish, but now you are the one being childish. All I wanted was for you to respect me and for a while now I feel like that's been dwindling, and now it's clear it's gone. I did put so much into our relationship, our friendship and you're the one who gave up. I wish I could know why, know what drove you to this and know what you really think of me because part of me needs that closure. You've made up your mind though and you're stubborn and anarcissist so you'll never see yourself in a true sense. I miss you, I miss us,but I'm done and I can't be sorry anymore.

Always

Matthew,

I wish that you would understand that when I say I hate you I'm not joking. You think I am, but I'm not. You really hurt me yet I still have all these feelings for you. I want to tell you that I write a lot about you and it's just in hopes of getting over you, but it's hard when you make me feel so much.

You make me happy and confident in myself like all of these problems that I have can just disappear for the time that I am with you. I know they aren't gone, but when I'm with you they are. I was the idiot for thinking that maybe I had a chance when I know it could've never worked for one I can't compete with someone you had a relationship with for five years let alone two kids with. Why did I think it was possible!

Yes, you made me believe that you were done with her that you were never going to go back and you made me believe that I was a better option for you. You were my first kiss, the first guy I remotely did close to anything intimate with. It's just why did you leave me in the dark? Why did you let me hang on to your lies if you knew you were going to go back to her, why?

Sometimes I wish I could go back and erase everything. From the first time I told you that I believed that we had a connection, to the first time I let you lay your lips on mine. I'm not sure why I'm still friends with you, why I thought it would be a good idea to babysit your kids for you with finding out that you have a third one on the way. 7 months later and I still have all these feelings for you.

I hate that you understand me, you get me when no one else does and I wish it was that easy without the attachment of my feelings for you. I still even fear that I love you, but that is still in the what if bottle. I'm afraid to tell you all these things with the fear of it jeopardizing our friendship yet I need closure more than you know I need it.

I'm tired of thinking of memories with you and crying myself to sleep. Believing that I'm not good enough. Putting the idea into my mind that you used me because you were lonely and now that if anyone says they like me I fear that it's all a lie and I'll be looking around for Ashton Kutcher.

I'm just done, I won't lie there still is a part of me hoping that you still have some feelings for me, but I know that would be totally messed up and wrong of me and just selfish. I need to move on from you, I need to clear you from my life, but it's hard when you helped me with my self harm. You help me on so many levels.

To cut you from my life, or to stay friends with you with the fear of being in love with you? That is the question that I must ask myself....

Mom, I hate my life bcuz of u. I'm a pointless goaless person. Living not knowing what i am here for? I have nothing to live for. I have no feelings. I'm just BEING. Ur mission is done. U turned me and my other family members to a zombies. I don't miss or love any1. I don't feel sad or happy. I'm just numbing my self woth food. I was never taught to have a target in my life. Never knew what chasing a dream would be like. U killed every life insife me. U r just a vampire who sucked my life out of me. And now i have nothing to do. Living to do nothing. I didn't finish my study. I hate my job. I don't dare to think of relationship. I'm waiting for death to come. Dad, Thanks for being nothing in my life. Thanks for letting my mad mom to take control over everything. U did and still do NOTHING at all. u taught us to be scared negative never fight for our right just to shut up and accept anything that is happening with us. God, i don't know why u gave me this life. And i can't figure out why. Why i had a rough life and a complicated mind. So many horrible situations. I donnow what next? What else is waiting for me. And how much more i can be patient. I'm a very weak person. Scared lost and hopless. I'm very in need to be normal again. Numbing my self with food in the only coping mechanism way i know. Plz help me to get rid of it. I'm weighing more than my three friends together. Plz God help me.

I miss you so much my brown eyed girl