Things I wish I could tell you..
Mom, I wish you'd stop acting like i was okay because I'm not.I have been dealing with severe dpression and anxiety for the past five years. The reason I started self harming was beacause of what you let happen. Last week while you were at the store I was going to kill myself, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want you to find me. I wish you'd listen to me more and get me the help I need before I'm too far gone. I wish we had a better relationship, but we don't. And I don't think we ever will. I also need to let you know that the only reason I'm still here is because, no matter how miserable I am, I still try to hold on just so you will never know the feeling of losing a child.
Is it really awful that I like a guy for his personality and character but I'm not physically attracted to him? We went on our first date and I have an emotional connection to him but I don't want it to be any more than that. I think I'm leading him on...
Dear Chris,
Thank you for always being there for me. Even when I don't deserve it. Even when I push you away and shut you out. I know you struggle to understand me and many times just can't. I'm so grateful that you don't scare easily. I depend on you so much and love you more everyday for not leaving me for someone less difficult. You are a soft place when I need comfort and a sold rock when I need strength. Thank you for all you do. I love you.
Dear Liam,
Thank you for treating me like an actual person so many people act as though I'm just a second option, or some freak show. You are always there for me even when I push you away, or don't deserve your help. You are truly a great friend, and I don't know what I'd do without you. You treat me like a normal person, and actually have normal conversation with me. You care about each me, and our a great friend, and for that I'm truly great full. Overall though I wish I could tell you truly how amazing you are, but I can't even find the words to describe it, I am forever great full for you being my friend, even is it won't last I'm glad I got to meet you.
Dearmom, im sorry for being mad last night. I just tried to protect myself from ur blames towards me. I didnt do that, things you always thought about me, and im pretty sad because of your lack of trust on me.
I could hear my little heart askin is it just me or you ? I changed much and be patience all time when facing you. Why cant you change for me, for always thinking good as im your daughter.
Dear mom can u hear and feel my tense and fear last night ? Trembling in my voice and all ? Is it change you a lil bit ?
Mom i never want to be in this situation. God please help us.
I imiss you
I also wish I weren't alive.
I am tired of fighting.
getting no where in life.
I'll always remember.
I self harm. I hate myself, so I just don't understand why you love me? I'm suicidal. Fuck. I wish you knew how much I want to be in your life. I just don't deserve you. I don't mean to push you away but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me. I wish you knew how much I want to place my lips against yours, I'm just scared of rejection. The reason I haven't told you about my self harm is because I'm worried you'll leave me, like everyone else does. I want to die, but I'm holding on for you, my friends and my family. I feel unloved, unworthy, unworthy of love. I don't deserve you. You can do better. Maybe you'll realise this when I eventually manage to bring myself to tell you this. I love you. Don't leave. Promise you'll stay. Promise.
Im sorry to my parents,
I lied, stole and dissapointed you so many times. Now an adult I try my best to make up for my past mistakes. But I don't know if I can ever make it up to you. I hope one day just maybe I can make it up to you.
Dear you,
I can feel you slipping away, and I haven't the energy anymore to try and keep you.
All my high hopes, fuelled by your wonderful promises are slowly dwindling away.
You'll be my greatest loss when you go, I wonder if you'll ever realize that I'll be yours though?
That you hurt more than you know. That because of you i hate everyone and cant trust no one. You were supposed to be with me the whole time but you left me to fight my wars be myself and i dont know what to do any more
Dear Devon,
Im sorry... I know I haven't done anything wrong yet, but I can feel it coming. I'm gonna push you away, lose interest in you, not because I don't love you but because you are so much better than me. You don't need my help but I need all the help I can get from everyone. You are beautiful and confident and you don't self harm or struggle with the simple task of eating. Even though I know you love me and I love you, I know my mind will convince me that there is nothing between us. It's not just you it's happened every single time I want us to work out but if I don't get better then I know my lack of emotion in this area will catch up and my efforts will not be enough. I know I should have warned you before we got together but I thought maybe this time could be different but silly me thinks that every time... I'm sorry.
I wish I could just tell you how I'm feeling. I wish that the reality I live in wouldn't judge me for saying the things I will in this post. I love you. I've loved you for so long and I try and try again and again to deny my feelings but they keep coming back. Sometimes I hate you for making me feel this way. It's a cycle that I can't seem to escape. Maybe I don't want to escape it because then I'd have to get over you. And maybe I'm still hoping or maybe I'm delusional but at this point who cares. I love you, I fuking love you and I guess I have to come to terms that I'm in love with a girl. I guess this makes me bisexual hell I wish I could say idc what that makes me but....I'm scared...fck labels ...I wish I could say that . Maybe it's because I've been indoctrinated to " hate gays" because of this fuking religion but ...I just seem to keep coming back to you... And you don't even realize the sadness behind my fake smile...how could you? -CS
