This Is A Long One/Advice for "Love Bombing/Gaslighting" Relationship (I know I should just leave)
I am 26, and I met my on again/off again boyfriend at 19. He is the first & only person i have ever loved. He is the only person in my life that is truly there for me, but simultaneously makes me feel like complete trash and triggers panic/anxiety attacks.
A little background: My parents divorced bc of my father's infidelity when I was 12. He was never really in my life after that. This really broke my mom, who had always been a "stay-at-home" mom. She was too depressed to keep a job and was emotionally abusive. Growing up I felt like I had to be the "parent" to my brothers and sister, and also, in some way, to her. I paid for defaulted bills when I was old enough to work, and bought food/supplies because we often went without food.
(This is relevant because, I realized that growing up I never felt like I had someone to take care of me. I always had to be that for other people. I did not realize I was missing this until I met my boyfriend. He took care of me, and made me feel I was worthy of being "taken care of." I mention this because I know to this day, this is reason why I still struggle. I also know my Dad leaving has something to do with the way I handle myself in relationships )
Being on/off for 7 yrs, I have noticed a really toxic cycle with us. First, everything will be wonderful. He would call me mulitple times a day, and wanted to see me every day. However, just as I start getting comfortable in the relationship, I notice that he changes in an instant. After a few months of "love bombing," he starts become distant, cold, and unavaliable. He accuses me of cheating and lying. In me, this triggers feelings of anxiety, desperation, and fears of getting hurt. I feel he accuses me bc he is doing it himself. I end up lashing out at him, sending crazy texts, and attempting to break up with him as a defense mechanism. It ultimately never works, and just ends up making me feel stupid and worthless.
Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I don't know how to let go of this person, even though I should, have attempted to many times. He broke up with me in September over the phone without an explanation. (I strongly suspect this is bc of a relationship with his co-worker, who I think he was seeing while we were together)
Just as I suspected, he has started coming around again, trying to get my attention. This happens as soon as I block him or stop reaching out/responding. He has been paying to fix my car, buying me groceries, helping me with my rent. I am dealing with a really scary medical issue, and he is constantly there to support and help me go to the doctor. My family couldn't care less, and honestly, I do not have any good friends that I feel I can rely on like this. I am a student and living off loans, so I do appreciate him providing me with financial help.
However, even though I keep telling myself to just take the help and leave my heart of it, I cannot stop myself from hurting. Despite him doing all of this for me, & telling me wants to start a family with me, (even though we aren't even back together) I know in my heart he is still seeing the other woman that I suspect he left me for. Sometimes I believe he even comes right from her house to mine. This triggers anxiety and panic attacks, which i dont have time for, seeing as I am in law school and need to focus on my studies.
SO, my final thought, and what I need advice on, is I am scared to cut him out completely. My Dad has loads of money, but doesnt talk to me and refuses to help. My mom has no money and often asks to borrow from me. I don't have close friends, just party friends from back home. I am scared that I will have no help without him, but also scared to keep living like this. I know that I can't. It hurts too much, and all I want is a happy, stable relationship.
I know this is really long, and thank you for reading!<3
Happy Thanksgiving :) I am supposed to be studying for law school finals right now, but instead needed to come on here and pour my heart out due to severe anxiety.
@goodOcean6775 I think Im almost in a similar situation. My boyfriend is also financially supportive, I started a business and I lost everything so hes someone Im relying on for financial support. One minute we are happy and the next we are not. In fact, he only wants to be with me when Im happy and not confrontational. Im 29 and most of my friends look like they have happy, healthy relationships and I would have liked this one to ideally be my last as Im tired of hopping from one relationship to another. He gets mad at me when I confront him about things he does. This past weekend I found long hair in his shower and I pretended to be okay with it even when I showed him the hair, he didnt apologize for it and I was scared to fully confront him about it because I didnt want to spoil our day. Last night, he ignored my calls and he called and lied about his whereabouts, and it got messy when I started questioning him. He always suggests that we break up but I dont want to breakup with him because I know hes temperant and hes only saying it because hes annoyed. I dont want an unstable relationship of break ups and make ups but hes making things hard for me.
@LeeB26
Im sorry you are also going through a similar experience. It's really hard. I know we both deserve better. I feel the same as you, I want to settle down in my next relationship and feel like I'm constantly in a relationship that is going nowhere. The only thing I can think of which gives me clarity, is that if I stay with him, he will probably never change. And I will constantly be in pain over and over. It seems like you are at this point too.
My guy is also the same, and refuses to get confrontational and will absolutely not talk about our relationship problems. I feel like if he really cared how I felt, and where it was going, he would obviously want to talk about those things.
I keep trying to talk to him, keep trying to get a sense of clarity or closure from him and it's never going to happen.
I think it's gross that men know they are hurting us, but refuse to either completely leave, or stay and work on it. It's like the "one foot out the door" mentality. It's not okay.
I hope you are okay and hopefully we can both move on from these crappy relationships into more supportive ones <3
@goodOcean6775
Gosh, I am sorry that this is happening to you. Although my situation isn't quite like this, I have been treated similar to that. I had a boyfriend, I am 19 by the way, who broke up with me because "he wasn't ready for a relationship" and then after that he dated about three more girls, yet he still talks to me. I don't know what it is- first he's angry at me for loving him so much and than he talks to me, pretending like he hasn't even hurt me. I really loved him, and that's why it was hard for me to block him. I can't imagine him not in my life. But, this is for the better. And it will be for you too. I know that it sounds cliche, but it does get better, and you deserve better, SO much more better. Someone who will put you first. And I know it sounds hard to believe, but everything will work out for you. Until then, just take it one day at a time-listen to some inspirational music (I recommend "I Will Get There" and "Doin' Just Fine" by Boyz II Men, if you like RnB😁) When that special someone comes, you'll know. Hopefully it happens soon for you, I believe it, the pain will all be worth it for a better life😊
