Thoughts on age difference between couples
I'm falling in live with an I've known for a long time. We have been friends and have been there for each other through a lot of situations, good and bad. He was dating my best friend. They broke up several months ago. We recently reconnect with each other. I've been in live with him for a very long time bur never acted on it because of whom he was with. We have talked and want to be together. My dilemma is our age difference. He is 19 years younger than me. I'm afraid that if we do get together he will regret it later. He says the difference doesn't matter to him but what will happen when I'm in my 60 and he's only in his 40? And his ex(my best friend) doesn't know about us yet. She is not going to like it at all. But she is happy in a new relationship. I'm not sure how to tell her. Any suggestions and help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all!!
@Drgnld1968- go for it I say. Unless he really wants children in his life - that is something you should truly discuss. My husband is 5 years younger than myself and our age difference didnt matter. Life is too short to put off true love.
He has 2 kids already. I've raised my 3. They are grown and gone. I'm not sure if I want to raise more children. I love my kids with every thing in me but this was supposed to be my time. I do love him have for a long time.
@Drgnld1968- ah, the situation is more complicated than age difference. Makes sense that you understand what is involved in raising children. Such a huge responsibility and committment. You know the answer in your heart and gut.
I've raised 3 myself. We have decided to raise his son together.
@Drgnld1968- How sweet, this is one of the most hopeful things I have read today. Best of luck to the three of you.
Thank you. I've loved him for a long time. Just circumstances made it impossible for us to be together.
@Drgnld1968 - absolutely, go for it. My parents are almost 20 years to the day apart with my dad in his 80s and my mom in her 60s. They are going to celebrate 48 years married at the end of this year. This is my father's second marriage. As I grew up and watched them as they grew older, no relationship is ever perfect, but love is eternal. No matter what happens, if the two of you hold love first, and always communicate, a good life together is very possible.
Thank your for telling me this. He says he loves me no matter what. I love him no matter what also. I can only love him and hope for the best. I will live every day with him and be grateful for every second.
So, I will share a bit of my experience on this topic. I have seriously dated a guy 11 years older, 8 years younger and my bf now is 14 years younger. OP has a point that there is much more to consider than just age. But in regards to age, significant gaps do have an effect. That doesn’t mean it can’t work. It’s just important, imo, that you’re prepared for the differences in perspective that occur in different seasons of life. With the guy who was 8 years younger than I, the gap did matter. I knew going in that he couldn’t understand how he would grow over the years. He couldn’t imagine a day when he might feel differently. And he was more sheltered and inexperienced than most. To his credit, he truly tried to stick by his promises for a long time. But after 10 years, I knew when it was time to help him step out so he could keep growing. We still love each other and I wouldn’t give up the amazing experience of watching him develop. However with the 14 year gap, I find it doesn’t matter at all. But he has been through so much that in many ways he’s seen more than I have. He’s also unusual in his priorities. He’s not looking for what most his age are. And he is very capable of challenging me and making me grow :) So, I suggest you consider how much you have to offer each other more than how many years are between. But without forgetting that a large age gap does mean certain perspective differences. If you can manage that, it’s very workable.
@Shandralyn So the 8 years younger guy didn't work out but 14 years younger is?
Interesting. Can you better describe what it is that makes that so? Like it sounds like it's not so much age as it is mentality, maturity and knowing what one wants.
The woman I have a thing for is 18 years my senior and at 25 I've never really had a relationship or done anything before so I'm always of the belief I'm never good enough and won't ever be. Especially with someone so experienced who started way earlier than me. She also said she knows guys in their 20s are crazy emotionally out of whack.
In my opinion, it is a combination of things. First, regardless of age, I find people have certain capacity levels. I do think it’s possible to break through those limits, but I also know it is difficult and painful. So, the probability of it being worth it when things are not equal drops. Age gap is only one variable. Emotional sophistication, character, drive, intelligence, etc… how many areas can a person be unequal in before they feel overwhelmed and unhappy? With the 8 year gap, he was intellectually very smart. But although emotionally sensitive, I was much stronger. That meant that I hurt him without meaning to. I didn’t realize how much I was “drowning” him with heavy emotion. And he did grow and we’re still very close friends. But ultimately, having to work that hard all the time is exhausting. He could sense that I wanted and needed more, even though I tried to hold back. I think he would have always felt like a failure. And he wasn’t. We were just in different places of growth. With the 14 year gap, there are definitely differences in wisdom and experience, but they matter less because he is deep enough to go where I need emotionally and I need that more. It is very personal, the reasons and areas of challenge. My only concern is that both parties should really try to honestly look at what their gaps are and what they need to be truly happy. The intoxication of love is powerful, but it calms down eventually. People grow and change. You can’t anticipate most of it. So, if you understand what you’re up against, then it’s easier to appreciate the value you do get even if you end up growing apart. Often the adventure and learning is worth it. But there are some things, like if a girl deeply wants children and a guy isn’t ready for that, when time runs out you can’t go back. So, just make sure whomever you’re with and whatever age, that you are both growing and happy.
@Drgnld1968
Hi friend. With regard to age differences in relationships, when it's something between two consenting adults, it's really up to the people in the situation if they're okay with it. If the both of you agree that you'd be happy to give it a try, then go with your gut!
As far as talking to your friend about your new relationship, it sounds like she may not be supportive, based on what you've shared. However, it is up to you whether or not to tell anyone about your relationship(s). That is information you are not required to share if you don't want to. The only person's opinion that matters about who you choose to be in a relationship with is yours. <3
@Drgnld1968
I have a thing for a woman 18 years my senior. I'm in my mid-20s and have never really had a relationship. She's been through more than a few plus ab engagement or so. She's married so it'll never happen but we still joke about my crush frequently. When I was being born she was losing her virginity. I actually find that kinda funny (not as funny as her).
I think women are more in their heads about these things than we are. If a younger guy wants you for a serious relationship then he's typically thought it out beforehand. Especially if you're friends and have been through a lot, dude that bond is already there, he definitely wants you. Like I don't really want kids and don't see that changing anytime soon. I'm happy with my pets. I have a lot of places I desire travelling to so that really doesn't strike me as something changing anytime soon at all. She's been there for me through thick and thin and vice versa, that's something I've been trying to find for my life for so long that I wouldn't trade it at all. Even just the friendship that's going on with the occasional teasing is enough.
Don't pass this up. It's not like it's something scandalous, fuck anyone who says otherwise. Two people in love is nothing abnormal. Just make sure that you remember the campfire rule, which should really apply both ways. And take care.
And with any luck you get some great sex out of it from a younger guy.
We get awesome perks too! Older women in their 40s and up are in their prime physically, peak of their youth and prime attractiveness with all the wisdom, experience and worldliness to come with it. The idea that as a young idiot with testosterone to spare you can pull a woman older than you is AWEWSOME.
Dive in!
@Wolfgang97 And for the record, I've had a crush for nearly 3 years so I don't know what "a long time" is but it's nice to know that some people's crushes can work out.