To my husband who doesn't love me

Here we are in the wreck of our reltionship. You wobbled a while ago and I forgave you your feelings for the other woman - not easily but because we wre open and honest about how we'd come to this point in our lives, and becaue there was nothing physical between you. And after tears and loving, we decide to try. We'd been together for 14 yers, married for ten of those. And it had been hard sometimes but wonderful at others.

And then I got pregnant. We already have two wonderful children and since we met, I'd helped you raise your two children from a previous relationship. We werent ready to be parents again, but we couldn't not go through with it.

And then it was twins.

And despite the worries and fretting, it seemed to be okay. They arrived and for nine months, I was at home and we spent time with our new family and re-cementing the bonds of our old one.

It changed when I went back to work I thought. But it wasn't just me going back to work, the stress of you needing to drop off and pick up the kids, the cost of childcre for two babies, was it?

It wasn't even the 25 year old waitress. I read the texts on your phone, where you talked about plying her with cocktails while she ore something asy, where you talked aout running away together. I could see so clearly what had happened...you'd been flattered by the attention. It was a flirtation nothing more.

It was the woman you'd met at a conference, who you sent poetry too, read books too over Whatsap, shared private thoughts with. The woman who you sent photographs too of the lovely place we stayed for Christmas. The woman you saw every time you went away to a particular town 'on business' The onne you 'wished you could spend more time with' the one you 'had a wonderful eveing of talk' with. And even though there was no flirtation here like there was with the waitress, I knew this was the one that would end us.

Because we used to have that, and now our talk is operational only. Because our house is so small and e hve so many kids that thhere isn't time for us.

We talked. I told you I wasnt happy, and tht I didnt think I wanted to be with you anymore. I was strong. I was determinded. I' worke out the finances and the schedule and it woul be oky.

But the minute that you agreed we should split up, my resolve failed me.

Why can you not be happy with me? With us? What more do you want?

I've tried my best and it hasn't been good enough. You said we've never been right for eah other, but I alwys believed when we put our minds to it, we were brilliant, a team to be reckoned with.

And now we're stuck. We've said we'll see how things are after the building work we're having done to exted our house is finished. Maybe extra space will give our relatonship breathing room.

I'm hoping it does. And at the same time, despising myself for my weakness in loving you, when you don;t love me, and never will.