To swing or not to swing
Hi all.
I'm having a relationship problem that I'd like some advice on.
My partner and I were together for a year and a bit after which we broke up for 2 months. We have been back together for 3 months. When we got back together, we did so on the understanding that we would try an open relationship. Now, I'm not sure why I agreed to that. Possibly because I love him and wanted him to be happy, and partly because I genuinely thought I could do it. I couldn't. We agreed to swinging instead (as a couple), and I've also found that really hard. Something inside me just feels it is wrong. I should explain that I used to have experiences in threesomes/fetish clubs etc, where I was the third and never when I was in a relationship myself. Of course, when my partner and I got together, he had an impression of me and the kind of things I got up to. He expected our life to include those things, which was fair enough.
Now we are in the horrible position where not both of us can get what we want. I asked him for a couple of months to work on my confidence and own personal issues, so it might be something I can consider again, but feels let down because as far as he sees it, I have said one thing and done another since we got back together and is struggling to take me at my word. Obviously, if I don't want to do it, we don't do it, but does this mean we can't be together? Is he just going to resent me?
He, unlike me, can separate sex and love. He sees the swinging lifestyle as adventure and excitement. For me, it has so far caused anxiety and stress (I have an alcohol consumtion problem which is worse under stress). He wants to see me enjoy myself and have fantasies, which I don't really have. I'm not honestly sure what has lead to me being more adventerous as a single, and not in a relationship, but I do think it is to do with insecurity. I used to get up to all sorts, as a way to fee special, now I don't feel the need to do that, the same scenarios fill me with dread. My life has been pretty chaotic, and I do think I just want some 'normality' in my life. Something I have never really felt I've had. For him, he doesn't want a 'mundane life until he dies'. Neither do I, but not mundane and swinging are different things!
I have accused him of having a midlife crisis (he's 39), but he claims that's not the case. It's just what he wants. We are very good at communicating in a lot of ways, but we are struggling to understand each other here. We love each other, that's not in doubt, but is there any hope for us?
He also has a much higher sex drive than I do, and while our sex is great, I'm sure it is far too infrequent for him.
Please help! I want us to get through this!
Thanks.
@Ribenaberry
Hi, that's a tough spot to be in! Balancing sex in a relationship can be difficult, especially when going into one with certain expectations as your partner seems to have done to some extent. It's certainly confusing to be on different pages at different times, with you sort of 'settling down' a bit and him still or newly in this place of excitement about swinging and the like. While it is fair enough that he had certain expectations, it's also fair that you changed.
At this point I think it's all a matter of compromise and who has the harder limits. Though it sounds like you've certainly already communicated about this, there's still more to talk about - maybe even in a professional setting, with a relationship or sex counselor?
If I were going to have this kind of talk, I would have us both write down our limits and go through them one by one and see if there is a compromise to be made with some. For example: I would say, 'okay, I have a soft limit on threesomes, when the third person is a stranger and we don't ever see them again.' So this kind of exploration can be negotioable. I would also have something like, 'No seeing other people separately, hard limit.' This is something I will not be willing to change at all. I think it's about weighing how many are negotiable and agreed on and how many important ones are not. If there is disagreement on more than two hard limits, I would personally consider going separate ways. If I say 'no x' and 'no y' as these would cause me great stress/pain/confusion etc, and they can't agree to allow me that limit after understanding why they are my limits and how they would affect me, I don't think I would find it worth it to struggle through with that.
And I agree that mundane and not swinging are totally different things. It can feel a bit pressuring when someone plays that kind of card, implying that if you're not sexually open to the same extent they are you're boring. That line is completely subjective.
So I guess in the end, it's about weighing if his drive for exploration/adventure/sex is higher than your 'wariness' of it and vice versa, and whether either of you can live with that.
@WildUnknown Thank you. We have decided to get some counselling.
@Ribenaberry
I am sorry you are feeling this way, insecurity makes things hard for us :( and relationships definitely get tricky when the two people involved are seeking different things, but if one thing remains: you love eachother, that is what is most important. Have you guys tried meeting in the middle? What would that look like if you could both get the things you want out of the relationship?
My partner wanted me to add this:
"I have *never* had a satisfying sexual relationship with any of my past girlfriends. I thought when we got together initially, knowing your history (TG etc) that I was finally getting the whole package - someone I loved and who would also fulfil that side of me. The difference in our relationship has been about expectation setting. In previous relationships that has never been an issue as I've had no ambitions for anything more than mundanity, whereas with us I did. That was hard to take and was a big contributing factor to our break up period. Obviously once we split you appeared to become more adventurous, get back to your old self (might have just been for my benefit - hard to tell). With that apparent change it seemed worth giving things another go, and I tried to make it clear from the start that I wanted more from our relationship sexually than before. Again expectations were set when you agreed to a less conventional relationship. Since then you have deployed salami tactics (see Yes Minister if that doesn't make sense) to move the border back and back. I don't believe you any more when you say you need to work on your confidence. You don't have any desires other than to have someone take care of you (sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how it feels to me). Yes our sex is great, but way too infrequent and nowhere near enough variety. That's probably enough for you, but I am struggling with that. "
Also:
"Hm, well I thought we were meeting in the middle, but the middle kept on moving...
I suppose the mid life crisis thing might be slightly fair, *but* that's only because of a growing realisation of my own mortality - I've always wanted more, it's just that now I realise I don't have much time left so I'm less willing to accept compromise."
