Was I a toxic friend?

I can understand it being hard to get over things if they make a person feel bad enough about themselves, and people sometimes need time which should be given. It's really important at this point that you respect their boundaries, not invade their space and disrespect their wishes in your efforts to fix the relationship.

I'm not actually really sure, but I think as long as you aren't bad-mouthing them everyone needs to talk about these things sometimes, particularly when it concerns someone you care about. We just need to be careful not to go to a mutual friend about it because it can backfire as you saw.. Best to pick someone who isn't going to take sides or be judgemental to you or the other friend. It seems unwise of your confidant to have talked with the friend you're having trouble with for sure, that never really works out.

Rereading your post, it's fair for your friend to be angry if you've hurt her, even though your feelings are valid too. As the person who has done the main wrong you just have to give her space like I said.

It's hard when you feel abandoned and it's easy to desperately try to repair the relationship as it's hard to stop thinking about it. The best way of repairing is giving unconditional apologies, and make sure you focus on what the other person has to say as opposed to being focused on fixing the relationship so you can feel better in yourself.

Perhaps you could reach out to someone else, explain how you're feeling, and try to take a breath (once you're sure you've done your best to try to apologise to your friend and given them an opportunity to explain what they need from you). These situations often bring out your true friends who are able to accept you despite your flaws, provided your heart is in the right place of course. And of course there's always group therapy which is always grounded in acceptance which always helps.

Just like you are hurting remember that the other person has a right to determine how your relationship moves forward. It sounds like they just need a break to process and until that has happened you can't really do much to help. Difficult emotions like anger take a while to get over, and you can only do your best and give them space.

@bluejay04

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My best friend (at the time) and I were like siblings, but there were times years ago I made the wrong choices. I will admit I used her a little but I grew out of that and tried my best to show I was sorry, even though I know I cant fix it. (I wouldn't put all the blame on you because you were unaware of what you were doing at the time. You had this need to connect and open up to someone, it came from the way you grew up.)

We started drifting apart this school year, but I tried to keep us together. (I could see you felt anxiety when she was drifting apart, it must had been tough to relax, so you tried to keep you two together since she was the only one you trusted.)

She sent me a text saying we shouldnt be friends anymore. (This really must had hurt you hearing those words) I was sad and asked what I did wrong, she vaguely said ‘just past things I cant get over. (You are doing the right thing by asking what was wrong, however she didn't communicate in an adult and healthy way. She is very afraid to speak up how she feels openly and expecting you to figure it out (which it isnt fair on you))

After my phase of being sad, I was angry. (It makes sense, specially with the way she ended things) I didnt speak to her but I spoke to a mutual friend to get it off my chest. That mutual friend told her and she came at me (online) angry. (I could understand if she felt upset, but the way she treated you here shows she has anger issues, poor communication and a hard time talking like an adult. This will make her behave in an impulsive way, and often her words will hurt you) She said I didnt have the right to be angry or sad because I hurt her first. (She is being selfish here and minimizing how you feel. What she said comes off like this "You have zero right to be mad or sad, but i have every right to be angry since you hurt me", this shows how she only cares about how she feels, however she kepts things inside out of fear, but then expects you to read her mind. It's almost impossible to have a healthy friendship with her, shes on the wrong here) I told her I tried to make it up the best I could, but asked for her to be specific. (This makes a lot of sense to me, she was being vague and not willing to open up) She couldnt be specific enough to even help me be a better friend. (True, and then she punished you for not reading her mind. This is not fair on you. She is not comunicating how she feels, and then gets mad because of this mindset "shes supposed to know how i feel". This is her issue, not yours)

Most of my friends are also hers and I felt for awhile that I couldnt talk to a large portion of the people I know because they would tell her. (These kind of friends are not trustworthy) This escalated to it being hard to talk to anyone about anything, especially about her.

It keeps me up at night wondering what I did wrong (I could see why you would feel this way, since they always made you feel like everything was your fault, but i assure you didn't do anything wrong here) and it feels like everyones leaving me (two past occurrences, one death in family and my favorite teacher who made a huge impact on my life having to leave because of cancer). (This is very hurtful, sorry to hear about your loses. I understand it feels like they are leaving, but they didn't do it on purpose. It's tough losing people, it really hurts, but its so important to check who are the good friends and who they are not. I feel like she and her friends are not good friends for you) I just need to know from someone else because I cant get an answer from her. (She is being passive-agressive and stonewalling you at this point, this shows how immature she is)

Was I toxic recently? (nope, but she is toxic) Did she have the right to be angry at me even though I did everything I physically could to fix it? (She is projecting on you and making you feel responsible for how she feels, its not okay to do this to you. You did the best you could to fix, however she was too childish to communicate effectivetly where you two could resolve things)

Thanks.