What Do I Do?? Tricky complicated situation after loss
(26F) Two and a half years ago I got into a relationship very quickly 3 months after my partner of three 3 died suddenly. I had a ton of anxiety and worry already and when he died it only made my anxiety feel validated because of the how he died. Suffice it to say I felt extremely depressed without him and going with what seems to be my tendency, I looked for satisfaction in other people and went with the "as humans we're not meant to be alone" rhetoric.
within the month of his passing a friend of his reached out to provide support and talk things through. I began to develop an interest in him, not sure if it was out of convenience or the shared pain of loss, but he was an attractive guy and I felt he took interest in how I was feeling. all of a sudden he ghosted me--it seems like he had his own stuff going on but was trying to go above and beyond by being a friend to me but ultimately couldn't do it. It felt like insult to injury. I felt not only I was trying to get over my late partner, but to get over this new loss that all was part of the big loss.
I then decided to put myself out there on dating apps because why not; I wasn't working or going to school at the time and let's face it if I was I probably would've quit at my partner's death. I felt ungrounded and untethered without him. so I hooked up with someone and then just felt icky and wanted to pretend it didn't happen. then I met someone I really liked and we had a thing going for a few months which ultimately helped expose me to new things and helped a lot, but he had some toxic traits and issues and it was only exacerbating the depression in the end. But of course being the weakling I am I had to find someone else new before I could really let that guy go. so I went on dating app again and met someone new (my current partner) across the country because I wanted to get out and be someplace new. I had no means of making it work on my own so again I used a person to help me, and things just seemed to fall into place to make this person and I live a life together (he was just getting his own place for one).
this was a mere 4 months after the passing of my partner of 3 years and it all felt right like it was falling into place. after staying a month with him as a "trial" we drove my car cross country together. it had all been going pretty good but I did notice some tendencies I didn't like; he had some anger issues, slight self-esteem issues from a past gf, and I realized it wasn't all as perfect as it seemed.
One thing we had going is we were passionate. Even when staying at his parents' we found time to have passionate and heated moments. a couple months in one huge thing that turned me off was we went out with his friends; I wasn't really into going out and I didn't even feel natural being in this new place which was kind of a red flag looking back. He seemed fine but when we got in the car he immediately started throwing up. it scarred me because it triggered my anxiety from my late partner's death and I had never dealt with a person in that predicament. I truly feel if I had not already driven a car across the country and thus committed myself I may have ended it or distanced myself from him but then again hindsight is 20/20. that is the first instance I can recall like "wtf am I doing here?"
after my partner died everything went up in the air. dreams/goals I had got thrown out the window or so I thought. slowly over the next few months those goals started coming back into my mind and I realized I had only suppressed them. this new life seemed not aligning with my goals. but now I felt I was too deep in to the new relationship. we had a fair share of tension mainly stemming from arguments over my anxiety. after that drinking incident I was extremely anxious of him going out without me in case he wasn't in control of his faculties; it was all my anxieties talking and controlling every move I made for months.
no matter what we suffered almost breaking up or having severe fights, I would just cry and feel I couldn't live without him. all the pet names, cute stuff, I would imagine that and just couldn't imagine the thought of being without it. the worst part is I deal with lust and over a year and a half ago began thinking of other people and fantasizing about them, not telling him at all not wanting to hurt him or anything. yet wanting to maintain this relationship intact for whatever reason. we just kept intertwining our lives more and more (signing lease together getting pets etc).
it's coming up to the third anniversary of the loss of my partner and I just hit a depression the past week. what's weird is I started thinking of that hookup right after my partner died, the person I didn't want anything to do with. I started romanticizing it. it struck me as super odd because the other people I romanticized were people I found attractive and this guy had been off-putting when we met. it's worth stating my late partner and him were both in the military and lived a similar lifestyle so when my partner died the lifestyle I was used to and wanted to be a part of died. I think I am seeing this guy as like a way back into that lifestyle but I just keep romanticizing the idea of him, crying all night, barely being able to talk to my partner telling him I'm depressed but obviously not being able to tell him what it is going on in my head I can't stand to hurt him.
I don't know if this is supposed to be a breaking or turning point because I want to go back home but I feel guilty leaving my partner. I want to spend more time with my family and regret up and leaving after the loss. but Idk how to do that without feeling I'm letting my partner down. I'm so conflicted and just don't want to cause pain for him or me.
what I want to add is the passion died in our relationship. I honestly don't remember when. I wonder if it's the birth control device I have and it just kicked in after a few months but then when I see other attractive people I feel something, but i haven't been physical with anyone else so I can't say if it's only with my partner I feel this way or not. I don't really enjoy the intimacy and I can tell he does. I keep feeling like maybe with someone new it would feel good and all work but I just don't know. I don't know how to get the passion back it just seems like it's not coming back.
@heatlightning
First of all, so sorry for your loss <3
Not only of your late husband, but also that you are going through an uncertain and chaotic time with your goals and dreams, and sense of identity.
Reading all of this, a number of things were illuminated to me quite clearly.
1) You’re very self aware.
You wrote all of this down in great detail, methodically. But more importantly, you are able to accurately perceive and assess aspects of your behaviour and motivations, and reflect upon your feelings and how they have contributed to your actions and your current circumstances.
2) Your relationships subsequent to your partner passing have largely been driven by fear/anxiety, loneliness, and a desperate need to re-establish the stability you previously felt in your marriage.
You described it very well, your sense of derailment, of feeling ‘untethered’, that you felt your goals and dreams are suddenly all up in the air. When your husband passed, it must have been terribly traumatic and sudden for you. It’s something that we can never adequately prepare ourselves for. Our world is inverted in a moment, our lives and everything we thought we know, everything that was once certain and eternal is gone in a moment. A lifetime of plans and dreams suddenly replaced only with questions and doubt and emptiness.
Your natural response seems to have been to latch on to the nearest person that reached out to you (who eventually abandoned). And then a hookup which led to feelings of discomfort. These partnerships were brief and and didn’t end well because as you recognised yourself - you were just ‘using’ them to fill a void. It’s understandable. But they would never function or have a future because they were reflexive connections (the first person having your husband in common), grounded in your need to avoid your sense of grief.
Your current partner represented to some degree at least the stability you were grasping for after your husbands passing (he was getting his own place, he hasn’t abandoned you, he’ll sign a lease with you and so on). But again, this relationship was also reflexive, taking place so soon after your husbands passing. Essentially, in the aftermath of your husbands passing, you did not confront and resolve your grief, but have been using relationships and the companionship of other men to avoid/ distract yourself from the grieving process.
3) You’re too authentic to live this inauthentic life.
None of this do I say with any judgement at all. Like I said above, you’re very perceptive and self aware and I am certain you already know much of this in your heart. You are an authentic person who loves sincerely and passionately and craves that desperate all-consuming kind of love. But also you have fears and anxieties, and responding to them often leads you in directions you might otherwise not have taken. You look on those moments with regret. Even now you see that this current relationship is not everything that you seek. You feel unfulfilled because in escaping your sense of grief, in grasping for security - you found it in a relationship that is ‘safe’ and stable enough, that vaguely resembles some elements of what you instinctively thought you needed (at the time), but fell short of everything you actually want and need. Your heart yearns for something else, something more.
It definitely might be beneficial for you to spend more time alone/with your family right now. Process your unresolved grief. Remember your husband. Remember who you were with him. Remember who you wanted to be. Remember your goals and dreams and all those things you wanted then. Because it seems from this feeling of unsettlement that you feel in your current relationship that you still want all those things for yourself. It will hurt, and it might be terrifying, but it will also help you.
Maybe what you need is to stop escaping into relationships that only distract you from what you really feel and the things that you really desperately want. Live with intention instead! Attune yourself to that consciousness that thrives inside of you. It’s vibrant even among all of your fears and anxiety. When you don’t allow your fear to drive you, you will find yourself in the right place.
I apologise if I have been too forward in anything I say here. I wish you every happiness. I trust that you will find your way!
CatsInTheCradle
Cannot thank you enough for this empathetic response. It is what I needed.
