What is patience in a relationship?
A former friend of mine, MA, told me that patience is what keeps relationships alive? How??
This former friend was telling me that (as a friend) he would always be there for me and that I could contact him if things get rough ... but then could not afford a few minutes of his time to text me a few words of compassion when I informed him of my best friend Cs cancer diagnosis. Nor was he available to be a good listener to me when I needed someone to talk to - even over the phone or Skype or Google Hangouts at that time. He then told me in an e-mail, to end the month of July as well as the friendship (in all CAPS, by the way), Your Friends cannot always be there for you ... There is no such thing as always..
So, what do you think my former friend MA meant by being patient, and what is your opinion on patience with regards to relationships? How patient should one be in a relationship?
@AbbyHarris1976
First of all, I'm sorry to hear of your friend saying that there is no such thing as "always" - that is certainly one perspective, and that may have been your friend's truth at the time they said (or wrote) that to you. But I think we get to create our own reality, so that doesn't have to be yours.
As to your questions:
- So, what do you think my former friend MA meant by being patient, and what is your opinion on patience with regards to relationships?
I am experiencing this currently with an important relationship in my life. At various times we have a certain amount of resources - time, energy, stregnth - to give to our relationship partners. These resources change over time as our circumstances change. Sometimes I can give a lot to my relationship partners, but sometimes I need those resources for myself. When we are in a relationship with somebody we care about, we need to know when the other needs their own resources - that is why patience is so important, I think.
How patient should one be in a relationship?
- I think that a person should be as patient as they are able to be. Every person has a different patience threshold, and I think this changes through our lives (and maybe even through the days of our lives!) I think it's important to communicate to our partners when our patience is growing thin, so they can be aware of where we are. But at some point, we also need to take care of ourselves, which might mean moving on from a relationship. To me, that's always a last resort, but I also don't think we can continue to spend our resources on a relationship where we're not getting anything back. That sounds a lot like co-dependence to me.
Not sure if these answers are at all helpful. These are based on my experiences, and I certainly hope you don't construe any of this as advice per se - I'm mostly just sharing my view on the world. :)
Best to you!
@HerculesMadison
Very good insight! 👍
At this point, I have no real plan to reestablish my friendship with MA because he kept leading me toward one conclusion but doing something else - kind of like he wanted me to be in a codependent relationship with him. If I were to establish communication with him again, somewhere down the line, I would begin worrying about whether he really considers me a friend all over again - and Im not going to put myself in that Feedback Loop from Hell again.
@AbbyHarris1976
It's great of your awareness of potential codependency. I've struggled with that myself in the past - I tend to give too much sometimes. :/
I also think being patient in a relationship is NOT just passively waiting for your friend or partner to talk to you, write to you, or otherwise do their part to maintain a relationship - that goes both ways. its a two-way street.
Any friend or partner in a relationship who expects you to be patient by sitting and waiting for them to communicate with you when they clearly have no intention of doing so is, in my opinion, a hypocrite and is just leading you on into a toxic, codependent relationship where you will be subject to their mind games and emotional manipulation.
@AbbyHarris1976
I couldn't agree more. Patience isn't necessarily a passive state of being. I think there is a balance to be had between giving people space and insisting on important conversations.
@HerculesMadison
There was a placard that I saw on a CTA bus that pretty much sums it up:
DONT WAIT, COMMUNICATE
@AbbyHarris1976
YES, I love it!
@AbbyHarris1976
Wow this post left me thinking what your friend meant, so here's what I think. (This is what I think, everyone is different and I'd love to see more answers to this!)
The literal meaning of patience is - the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. So when your friend said that patience is what keeps relationships alive, is that when he told you he'd be there, you believed him, that's where any strong realtionship arise from. You knew you could trust him for that and when that day came you tried talking to him, even when he didn't reply. After all that you mentioned he's your former friend, indicating you're still friends and this takes patience and understanding. No one can be there for you 24/7 but its the trust that they will and the patience to wait for them that keeps the relationship alive. Patience isn't waiting for the person to come within a time period that you want them to come in, but accepting whenever they come, because at the end of the day, it's these little things that makes the relationship strong and alive. There is no "always" when it comes to being together but there's always "being together no matter what"
Patience like I said is really important in any relationship, we can't expect someone to just leave everything to help us with something always. Though, if waiting seems like you're waiting forever and you keep asking yourself, "Is waiting really worth it?" Then according to me it might be the time you really start thinking about it.
Its YOU who has to decide what is worth it and what is not.
@iiRiaii
Hey there! 🙂 Thank you for the insight! 🙂 Ill have more on this later, but I have to keep it short for now because Im heading to work.
Its true that my former friend cant physically be here in Chicago with me as my best friend C struggles with stage 4 cancer, but he, in my opinion, should have been more compassionate when I told him about it instead of accusing me of being impatient and very difficult. Therefore, I think my problem with him is more of a communication problem.
Ironically, this former friend also happens to be a Listener on 7Cups, though I didnt confirm this until recently.
