What was I thinking?

I havent heard from my ex since October 28th. He was finally opening back up to me! And what do I do? Get drunk on nov 4th and nov 18th and said some really disrespectful things. I did the same thing last year. It's like a self sabotage cycle. Idk why I even try when I know I'm a wreck. I lost a good man drinking poison that clouded my vision and turned me into a monster. I know i ruined any chance of reconciliation. And I'll never forgive myself. Why would I say hurtful things bc he wasnt moving as fast as I'd like? Bc he didn't want to see me? Who would!! I was doing so well. Then I get sad and pick up a bottle. Wtf is wrong with me!!