Where do I go from here?

Me and my husband have been together for 12 years and just got married a year ago. The first 10 years of our relationship was great, he had always been good to me and good to my daughters that I have from my previous marriage. I always felt lucky to have him.

Four years ago in March 2015 I lost my sister to suicide. She was my best friend, the only person on this world I could really talk to. I think for a long time I was in shock and denial. I tried to get back to my regular routine as quick as possible, I didn't want to worry my husband and kids, even though inside I was a complete mess. I bottled up those emotions until I couldn't anymore and fell into a deep depression. I spent the last three months of 2016 in a very dark place in my mind. I hated myself, I cried all the time and distanced myself from everyone, and my husband started distancing himself from me. A few days after Christmas I told him I was suicidal. I was scared of myself and what I might do, I didn't want to live anymore.

He told me to find help and went back to his phone. He didn't care what I just told him. After that I started noticing what he was doing more. He spent all the time he was at home texting.

I asked him who he was talking to all the time, he said it was a girl at work, and they were talking about work stuff. This went on for over a week, him texting her from the time he got home to when he went to sleep. I told him that they couldn't be just talking about work stuff and I wanted to know more about her and what was going on. He told me that they were friends, they have a lot in common and that with the way I was acting those past few months it was good to have someone to talk to. He was ignoring me and the kids because he was too distracted with her. Another week passes, we go out for my daughter's birthday. While sitting in a booth with him I try to hold his hand, he shook it away and got on his phone. He was texting her. I looked and saw that he told her that he hated that he had to be there, and that he wishes he was with her.

When we got home I ask him who that girl really was to him. He told me that since I was sad all the time he felt that he wasn't getting enough affection, he started making a connection with her. She was having problems in her marriage too. He had feelings for her and they have been flirting, and talking about going out and "seeing where it goes". I told him that I would start working on myself to get better, I didn't want to lose him, and he told me that he would distance himself from her as much as he could and we would work on us. The following day was good, he didn't talk to her we were happy together for the first time in awhile. But the day after he was back to talking to her. He didn't even want to be near me.

That night he had his phone on the kitchen counter, I was standing in the kitchen trying to make conversation, he was ignoring me, said he was going to sleep, pushed me out of the way, grabbed his phone and left. I followed him and asked if he wanted to be with me. He said that he didn't know. My girls were at their dads so I left. I stayed with a friend until the next evening and went home. I sat down with my husband, I wanted to work things out, but he didn't he said he was in love with her and he didn't love me anymore. He blamed it all on my depression. Three months of me grieving because my sister died. I was still struggling with it. He didn't help me. I was drowning and instead of him helping me he pushed me even further down.

We rented a house in a small town far from the city. I knew I couldn't support myself and my girls there so I gave up a job that I loved, in a town that I loved. I left my home. I felt like I lost everything. My girls were staying with there dad while I figured everything out. They were stressed and sad, I was trying to be strong for them. I did find a new job very quickly. I found an apartment and was ready to move out. M

My husband told me he made a mistake. He wanted to be with me, he would do whatever it took, and I took him back. I already had everything set up in this new town so he moved with me. He continued working with her for a couple of months before he was moved to a closer location. He still texted her a lot while he worked with her and that bothered me a lot. He told me that they were friends and since they worked together he was going to text her. So when he was moved and no longer worked with her. I told him he wasn't going to talk to her anymore. He talked to her less but still did. I told him that if he felt he needed to be friends with her, that I was going to meet her, I was going to know her. But that didn't happen. So I told him unless if it was work related he wasn't going to see her or talk to her. I thought it was the end of that.

No more messages, no indication that they were talking anymore. We got our relationship back on track and a year later (June 2018) we were married.In December while at the grocery store he was acting distracted and texting someone one his phone. I asked him what was going on, he said he was talking to his friend Beth, but it was nothing. He had a long conversation, he was acting strange and I felt that that's not who he was talking to. i asked him again at home what was going on and he wouldn't tell me. I texted Beth and she said that she had a 2 minute conversation with him. So I asked him again. He was talking to that girl and hiding it from me. They have been meeting for lunch twice a month since he stopped working with her. I asked him why he was willing to meet with her behind my back knowing that he was at risk of losing me. He said she was a really good friend and he didn't want to lose that. I told him he wasn't going to ever see her without me. He promised me he wasn't going to see her again.

Two days later I went into my husband trunk to find an ice scraper and found a Christmas gift for that girl. It was a drawing he did, it was of her and her daughter with a poem about a mother's love under it. For years I have been asking him to draw me something. He was always too busy or tired. But he found the time and energy to draw her something so personal. When he always buys me something from the cheap gift section and shoves it in a bag for me for Christmas. He drew her that picture put it in the nicest frame, he had wrapping paper and bows for it he also had scissors and tape so he could wrap it in the car. He hid it from me so he was planning on meeting her soon. That hurt. He lied to me again. That gift was so over the top and special. And again I talked to him. He asked why did it matter so much? If he was giving me love why did it matter that he lied to me about seeing her. If he wasn't sleeping with her it shouldn't matter. I told him that if he was going to give it to her then I was going to go too. I honestly wish I destroyed it instead. Meeting her made me hate her even more. I told him that again if they are going to continue talking then I was going to know her. Two years they have been friends and I didn't know her. And the fact that he was willing to leave me for her and later keep up a secret friendship knowing he could definitely lose me I had to know who she was. Anyways two months go by and she always has an excuse why she can't meet. She doesn't want to meet me. I didn't like any of this. I went through 4 very hard years. I want to be happy again. He was not making me happy. With all the lies and secrets. And that gift he made for her, that alone made me just want to give up. I was mad all the time. I told him that I wanted to be happy again and his relationship with her is making that impossible. She doesn't want to meet me. So I told him that he will no longer contact her again. There is no reason for them to have contact at work anymore, they are too far away from each other. I told him he has no more chances. If I ever find out that he has had any connection with her at all that I will leave him. He has apologized, told me he realizes that he was being selfish. I keep an eye him right now. I don't trust him, he has lost that at least for now. I am prepared to leave him if he can't keep his word. He left me alone when I needed him. Because of her I uprooted my life. And he didn't care. He gives me a lot of love now. But I'm not really sure I want it. I know that I wish we didn't get married when we did. A part of me wants to leave. He hid it before he might still be. I don't know if I want to wait around to find out. But I really don't think they ever did anything sexually. If they did I wouldn't still be with him. But two years of lying. I don't know what I should do. Or if he is right that none of this really matters.