alone in a sea of people

during my high school years I had no friends to be with a large portion of the days. I always felt alone, unhappy, and i would especially get angry with myself because of my inconsistencies. For example, some days I would be funny and chill with people, while other days I would be quiet or annoying, being less sociable than what I had desired. while all of this was happening, I had a constant voice in my head calling my names and kicking myself while i was down. this has been persisting since I was in 6th grade, but it became unbearable my senior year of high school(12th grade). my only goal was to survive till college so I could change my life around.

fast forward to now, i recently started college, which has gone well so far, i am passing my classes and am getting in a cycle, which is a huge step up from high school. i am surrounded by people constantly; however, i still feel alone quite often. I always question what I am doing, my purpose, and on some days, why I even wake up in the morning. this leads me to what i hate the most about myself, my constant self pity. I should not let depression get in the way of my daily life, yet i still let it in anyways. i put on a poker face each day and act like everything is okay, which works pretty damn well to say the least. i dont know how to tell someone about this, as i feel as if it will be awkward and weird.

because i dont want to tell someone, i feel very alone and exiled out of a sea of people. i wish there was a solution for this, but i just cant think of any… please help me