not who I was

Tonight I'm remembering all my last relationship mistakes , ontop of my most recent one and I owe myself an apology for putting myself in situations that was already set to fail.. just for love . everything in me knew they weren't good for me, but I was in a place where I'd love whoever loved me.. even if I didn't actually love. them.

if I look back, I would just hand myself over to the ones that I knew would never judge me because the ones I actually loved.. never loved me. & I guess one day I'll owe the ones I pretended to be in love with an apology too..

I'm just here to say that I have to let go, I have to forgive myself.. when you grow up and you weren't taught how to love others or even yourself, I don't know but it's like you go into life not knowing what's out there.. what's about to happen. And I had to learn the hard way, I had to learn early and I had to cry alone when the ones I loved never loved me, so I guess I would go to the ones who did even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted. I guess I thought , maybe I could place my idea onto them. And so I just got attached to the high and I crashed and couldn't understand why it would never work.

now I'm out of that place, the place that taught me to never go after the ones i wanted and always play it safe. And I'm looking back and I feel ashamed, but I'm realizing that I can't do that to myself anymore.. I can't even pretend anymore. I can't keep searching for a love outside of me, and even if I don't know exactly how to love myself that's what I need to do. My heart has been telling me it's broken for a long time, but it's now here at 4AM that I'm listening to it.