tainted subconscious :(
in october 2018 i was unofficially dating this guy . instant strong connection , very like minded & felt so right . but it was about three months we lasted in harmony then i felt like maybe he doesnt want me anymore . so i calmly asked him a few times actually if he still wanted me . he would assure me w paragraphs & swearing on graves .. something started to tell me to let go but HE wouldnt let me . then i was hooked for 5 more months . 5 more months of being the one who puts in all the effort which previously i was avoiding . it was for nothing bc i was nothing .. to him . from beginning to end he manipulated & gaslighted me but still to this day will not admit it . he still swears he was genuine & that he cares for me but his feelings for me randomly disappeared & he didnt know how to handle it . a part of me believes that and a part of me doesnt . it makes it hard to let go bc idk what was real ... but (heres where things get real complicated) about two months of no contact with him , i met someone . we didnt have that instant strong connection but there was a connection that i couldnt deny . i tried to make sure i was completely over my ex before getting seriously involved with my now 6 month long bf who i love so much . but til this day i get intrusive thoughts about my ex & i want nothing more than for it to stop 😓
I've been in your ex's position, where my feelings for someone vanished. My then-partner accused me of manipulation, of lying from the beginning, but it really was a change I couldn't explain. I loved them, and then my attraction faded. For no obvious reason. I'm not saying that that's definitely what happened to your ex, but it's possible. It may not make you feel better.
I'm more concerned about your intrusive thoughts of your ex. Have you talked to a counselor about it? It does strike me as a yellow flag that perhaps you met your boyfriend when you really weren't ready to date again, and your subconscious is reminding you that you still need to heal. I'm not saying that you have to break up with someone you love. But you might consider asking him to be patient and supportive while you focus on healing, so that you can be a better partner to him. There are ways for him to be part of that process -- you might want to see a counselor together to figure out what those ways could be, that don't overburden him. But you can't wish the intrusive thoughts away -- ever notice that when you try not to think about something, you end up thinking about it more? -- and I suspect that until you actually confront your pain and come to feel stronger in who you are, you'll just be suppressing and avoiding it.
@electra76 thank you for that . i havent talked to a counselor but ive thought about it . i told my boyfriend about my intrusive thoughts months ago and he was very supportive and understanding but i guess i dont know how to heal . when i decided to be with my boyfriend i thought i was fine . some days i feel absolutely over it but i get random waves of sadness and hurt . tbh i thought my ex was my soul mate & he really treated me good for the most part and i thought we had an honest connection . i do feel like i loved him but i dont anymore in a romantic way so i dont understand why im getting these intrusive thoughts . i dont know what to do .
