After a breakup friendship?
So I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months. However, I think now, we are just doing the same things that we were doing during the relationship, except without the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend.
Is this unhealthy? Is it okay?
I don't want to lose him as a friend, and am worried that if I say something along the lines of that we should stop being friends with benefits (which we mutually agreed to), that I will lose him.
Plus my love language is physical touch, so it makes me feel loved and valued and important in life when he's touching me. And I don't want to lose that either (kind of why we went to fwb)
If he’s genuinely your friend to begin with, and not just using you for sex he should understand. It’s hard to have sex with an ex without the feelings becoming complicated. As long as you feel satisfied with the arrangement that you have and it makes you both happy, it can be considered healthy. The only problem is if you become more attached and want more (such as wanting an actual relationship, wanting exclusivity when he doesn’t feel as committed). Because eventually he might start seeing other people since you’re not in a relationship any more.
I think you’re at risk of this (of becoming attached) because of how the intimacy makes you feel valued and special, it’s all too easy for your mind/heart to conflate that with HE makes you feel valued and special which leads you back on a path to thinking there’s supposed to be “something more” between you both, that there’s something special about HIM. It happens this way a lot (that sleeping with the ex leads to falling for the ex) and there’s even science behind why it happens! Theres chemicals in the brain that release when holding a sexual partner which causes intense feelings of attachment and bonding and happiness towards our sexual partner.
So if you’re thinking the FWB arrangement needs to stop for whatever reason, it would definitely be UNHEALTHY if you continued despite your reservations, or if he threatened you with abandoning the friendship if you stop, that also would be a toxic/selfish coercive kind of friendship and not in the true spirit of friendship at all.
Please look out for yourself and respect your own personal boundaries and feelings. A lot of pain and suffering can be avoided if you just recognize and understand your own needs, and respect your own limits. It only gets harder to let go the longer you hold on!
CatsInTheCradle