Dont know what to do after

So, last Saturday, my girlfriend broke up with me. Before I get into the breakup, let me say some other things. This girl was a purely online friend. Met her a year ago, and we became friends. I already had a crush on her. I invited her onto my podcast to do a solo episode. In that episode she says that she likes someone else. I had a big breakdown about it. I manically text my best friend about it. He threatens to post these messages to the server where we record the podcast if I persisted. I kept at it, so he posts it. She sees. She sends a formal response, I fall into a hole of depression for a couple of months and finally feel better and return. Me and her continue to be friends. I was over her. But we still called occasionally. I comforted her with problems she was facing, such as her entire family getting COVID, her own demons, etc. But during these calls, I noticed suspicious signs that...she was into me. Problem with that, she had a boyfriend at the time. Who was in the hospital. So, the time comes where she confesses to me. I deny. We still continue to be friends. A week after that ordeal, I hear from her that she broke up with her boyfriend. This years Valentine's Day come around, We're talking and I offer to be her Valentine. She accepts. We get together after that. 3 weeks of very passionate love, promises to wait for each other, professions of eternal love, etc. So, now I get to the break up. Last Saturday, she suddenly texts me in the night saying she cant do this anymore. She appeared to be very manic, as she usually is, and so I tried calming her down. She just kept saying that this was all her, and that she loves me, but just couldnt be with me. She was also tired of lying to her parents (she had strict parents, so they were never told of our online relationship). She tells me she couldve left me earlier, but didn't because she didn't want me to...stop breathing over her. Ironic considering in that moment she was breaking up with me. She finally says "get the hell out of my life" and blocks me on everything. Through a friend, I hear more. She said she broke up with me, and that "he wasnt bad, it was all me but just...the relationship wasnt happening." She also says her side of breaking up with me. She was laughing, ripping clothes, art, blocked me on everything, etc. And she says she gonna stop talking with people online, because then "this cycle will repeat."

I thought I was fine. I held back some tears, went to tell all my friends, etc. But I thought I was fine. I expected her to break up with me. All of my friends expected it too. I had another girl, a girl I was already interested in before her. Very douchey move, but I saw it as more of...heartbreak insurance. But after that breakup, I find out shes into someone else. So, I was worried. My big fall-back plan was gone. Yesterday morning I woke up in a great mood. But then, during my art class, my teacher plays a song. A song she showed me. And I almost cracked. I held onto my table like my life depended on it. I start breathing heavily, I tear up like crazy. I go to grab my earbuds, pull them both out, pop them in, and blasted some metal. That's when I realized I'm far from being ok. And also lately I've been having...I dont know what to call them, visions? Like just, I'll be doing something and get a flash of something. And it's...her, texting me again, begging for forgiveness and saying she wants to try again. And if she's still as predictable as she is, she will do it. But, I dont know what I'll say. I really do love her. And in the vision, she's better. She gets help, as I am doing. But I just...dont know.

I joined 7 Cups not over her, but because this whole relationship made me realize that I'm still in a bad headspace. Me and her both are. We weren't ready for a relationship, and we both knew it. We just both didn't want to be alone anymore. Every mistake we did towards each other in that relationship was followed up with a "I'm sorry, please don't leave me."

So I guess...I dont know what to do anymore. All my hobbies, she was entwined with them. Every song I hear now is all of a sudden a love song. And so I just...am at a loss.