I feel like I ruin all my relationships

I don’t even know if I have friends. The people that talk to me are nice but yet I still feel left out of everything, I don’t get invited to anything, none of my friends check up on me and it feels like they just use me to be their clown at this point, so I can just be there to make them laugh. I’m already scared enough to talk to my IRL friends about my personal problems because I feel like they won’t understand, or they’ll tell my business to other people, or make it seem like it’s not a big deal. All of which has happened to me before. Growing up I’ve always been an outcast and I’ve always been seen as weird by some people but I don’t know how I’m weird, even during sophomore year when I did stupid things to fit in and copy everybody else I still felt like an outcast. No matter what I do I’ll always end up at square one. All the things people find weird about me is stuff I can’t really help, for example me being shy. I just wish I had a friend group that understood me and was there for me, that didn’t make me feel left out. When I graduate I wanna cut everybody off and just start over. I hate this whole city and this school. I’ve met the most toxic people at this place and it just stresses me out bad. I would’ve been better off with no friends, why even be friends with me if you don’t care about me.

i don’t know if I’ll ever find people who care about me in the future.