TW: wattpad stories irl, are not that fun

Hi everyone this is gonna be a pretty long thread, I'm sorry but I need ti let it all out. I downloaded this app nearly one year ago, when I started dating my best friend's brother (I have to be specific in order to explain how hard it is to let go when it's about a person that you can't completely erase from your life). It was a really weird situation that made me feel anxious because I never felt that way for someone and I discovered that I suffer from severe abbandonment issues and overthinking even though our relationship was healthy. This place helped me feeling safe and I chatted a lot with plenty of users that had the patience to make me stay calm during my crisis and I want to thank them all. Even though love makes me incredibily vulnerable and I suffered a lot because of paranoia, I spent 5 amazing months of my life with this guy. But then, in November, my country shout us in lockdown because of covid and then my nightmare started. I started to feel miserable, I couldn't even eat because of how bad I felt without seeing him. I remember not being able to get up from bed or the ugly crying crisis that I had during all the day. I based my happiness on him and it wasn't healthy at all. I started to think that I had to break up with him because I couldn't bear that situation anymore, even though my worst nightmare was being separated from him. I drove myself crazy in that period but then, he kinda of did me a favor. "I'm sorry you're the best person that I've ever met but this month of separation made me think that I don't miss you like I should, like before. I don't know what's wrong with me but I don't feel the same about you anymore. We haven't been ourselves during the relationship maybe we're not made to be together", I still remember those words that cut me deeper than a knife. He broke up with me though a voicemail and while I was listening to it, I had a panic attack and I called him by mistake. I didn't even notice. He heard me crying and screaming at my mom and up to this days, I feel embarassed like I never thought I would feel in my entire life. And a tear just dropped from my eyes by rememebering it. He heard everything. He felt guilty and he came to my house even though we were in lockdown. We cried in each other's arms and we said goodbye properly. I was embarassed, my heart was shattered;he told me I didn't deserve it, and he told me a lot of beautiful things that made me feel more attached to him instead of making me feel better. But I was free. He set me free. I told him that I didn't want us to act like strangers, since I would have spent time by his place with his sister, and I was also afraid that the breakup would have ruined my friendship with her, and he told me that everything was gonna be okay. We said goodbye to each other and everything stopped. I spent at least three months crying and be mad at myself because of how "childish" I thought I acted. I thought that I was ridiculous and stupid. In the meanwhile, after a few messages for merry christmas and "happy New year Thank you for making my 2020 the best" by him, we never spoke again. When my bff invited me at her place, I was stressed and sad all the time, and this affected badly our relationship. He was there but he couldn't even look into my eyes. And then I started to be mad at him because he couldn't even say "hi" and we were in the same house, at the same table. Dining with his parents was the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do but also waiting for her sister to be lifted at my place by him was hard. Somehow he was always there, in my dailylife. Almost seven months have passed and the last time I saw him was 3 months ago, and it gets better. A lot better. But I can't help but thinking about him, not because I want to, but because I have to. DNA is not a joke and my best friend has his eyes and his simile, we hang out everywhere I've been with him and seeing his parents that still look at me with a compassion gaze is not easy at all. I don't like myself anymore. I got to be extremely cynic and I can't be happy for my friends in happy relationships anymore. I feel like I did all wrong and I wasn't even capable of act like a decent person (that unnoticed phonecall still haunts me) and now, that summer began, I feel like I'm missing something. Tomorrow, one year ago, all this started, and I don't even know if he remembers it. It gets better, but it' s hard to let go when his shadow is always behind me.