sudden outburst because of stress in school (i cursed)

Wednesday, 02/22/23 from 3pm to 8pm

I decided to go to a study hub so I can review for my 3 upcoming major exams why I decided to study there because there are a lot of distractions in our house, and I'm the type who can't study if there's noise. Our house is just our 2nd home I mainly live in it because of my studies(in a different city), it's a townhouse with 1 bedroom, and because we only have a small space we are cramped in one room, plus we have a construction going on in our kitchen.

around 9am I arrived in our house, they did not leave a food for me to eat, and I was fine with it.

so after I cooked and had my dinner a studied again up around 2 or 3am

thursday, 02/23/23

agenda:

10:30 exam (online)

2pm exam (f2f)

6:30pm exam (online)

I woke up at 7:30 and took a bath, I readied myself so that after I finished my 10:30 exam I can immediately leave so that I won't be late for my 2pm exam. I need to at least leave my house 2 hours before my class because in the city were I live have a very bad traffic, and very poor public vehicles.

so after I took a bath, I reviewed for my 2 other subjects, by the time that I have to take my 10am online exam I was a bit distracted because our walls are just thin and the sound of their voice really distracts me.

after my exam, I relaxed for a little bit (just few minutes) so by 11 left the house without eating lunch, arrived at the nearest landmark in our school by 1:30ish and I still got to walk (<10mins) from the mall/bus terminal to school, I rushed at eating my lunch. 2pm written exam starts followed by a moving exam after that I still have to rush back home not to be late for my 6:30pm class. walk, ride bus, got stuck in traffic

by 6pm I prepared by gadgets, by 6:30 slow interest plus weak wifi frustrated me got me saying curse words and raised my voice, I wasn't able to take my exam, so frustrated that I reacted similar to a tantrum plus cursing then my mom got mad at me

she think that:

- I'm mean

- brat

- she said she wasn't blessed with a good daughter ( I am really really trying my best to be really patient and nice to them)

- she thinks that I cursed at her (when I was just expressing my frustrations)

- when I cried she said that I 'surrender" just because of that

- i cursed because that is how i can only express my emotions, i cant talk about my feelings because i was never validated (feelings and emotion)

- she thinks she can solve everything, and that I am not thinking of solving my problem and just cry

- she thinks that what I am experiencing is just nothing (she started comparing her childhood and that she was able to graduate without a parent)

- she thinks my life is not hard, and that I am lucky for everything that I've got

- she said that I didn't suffer enough "just because of that you cried? what more in the real world, what would happen to you"

- she said that I was being lazy (when I spend my time trying to balance studying and keeping our house clean)

- I'm close to starving myself, I don't even have proper sleep just so I can study at night cause it's the only time i can do it in our house

- she said that I have no initiative

- she told me not to ask for money, and just wait whenever she have time to send me. I never complained when she sometimes forget/missed it like a week (in our culture its normal, as long as you're a student your parents are obligated to). because of that relationship I started saving my allowance so if she ever forget, at least i can feed myself

- she told me not to call her at night or when I have a problem, and that I have to fix it by myself. so I never did and whenever she scolds me, she would always say that I am a heartless monster. that I never cared about her

- she said that i never ask for help, she never guessed its because of her

i am just trying my best, i tried to study as much as i can even though i am not smart, i tried to be humble and not snap at them when I'm feeling stressed, but sometimes i can't just take it in.

i can take the difficulty of my course (I think) but the other factors just make me lose it.